2 teens a dog and me

Crotch Sniffer

2012-01-30T20:13:00.000Z

There you are, minding your own business, when suddenly there is a prod in your groin area. An insistent slightly damp kind of prod. And you know as you look down there she is, Peanut, the big brown bear of a Labrador that belongs to my sister. Not content with one crotch sniffer sister dearest has gone and got herself another one who has taking on the temperament of her old mentor. So in the no to distance future I predict crotch sniffing tag.

Meanwhile my own hound prefers nuzzling and ear flapping. Not at the same time though. One of those activities usually takes place around 2am right outside the bedroom door. She can also clear 6' fences which troubles my sister greatly and means she can no longer go stay when we are en vacance.

Other family dogs habits included Tess who had an obsession with Grumps wellies and would become amorous with the ol' welly at very embarrassing moments. Like when you are paying the milkman or saying good night to your boyfriend.Givin it laldy was putting it mildly!

Winnie, my first dog, ate beer bottle tops and chewed a lot of stuff. And good ol Coco who could do no wrong on one of her last sleep overs at Aunties. Thanks to her I have an image etched permanently on my brain (even though no one actually witnessed said event ) of my brother in law naked sliding on a vast pool of doggy diarrhoea and having to crawl back upstairs on his elbows and knees lest his feet touched the newly laid creamcarpet with his shitty soles.

Brrr

2012-01-19T22:04:00.000Z

We are in deepest darkest winter. The central heating is on and my kids don't like my attitude to keeping warm. The instruction of put another jumper on falls on deaf ears as they prefer to wander around in very little. Meanwhile I am like a demented heating engineer turning rads off faster then perting nipples.

Chatting with colleague at work today we compared our childhoods of Calor gas heaters, no central heating, condensation thick on the windows and those funny white strips your parents put at the bottom of windows to suck up all the moisture.The kids today just don't know how lucky they are. I can remember the cold cold air as a child. The running from your bed to clothes warmed in front of a fire. The art of getting dressed or undressed neath the bed clothes or with your dressing gown on. You always wore slippers, You always wore Pj's or a nightie and a thick thick dressing gown. I can remember I was 16 when we finally got central heating with my bonkers grandma warning us all we would be for ever ill from all those germs we would be harbouring.

With the heating bills rising all the time I am ever vigilant and with no fires we rely solely on radiators for warmth. When Grandparents came to stay at Christmas my fathers penchant for a warm house had me wringing my hands at the worry of the heating bill. That came in between the inability to stay awake on an evening because the sitting room was so god damn hot narcolepsy kicked in. Still the heating stayed off in my room for the festive period due to the rest of the house sweating with the heat wave.

The thickness of my winter duvet has Hot Date insisting that I have put 2 duvets together. Nope it just good old duck feathers and they keep me warm. Though when it comes to cold houses he doesn't put his heating on at all if he can avoid it. If its really cold then the hot water bottle goes in. If its really really cold then we have a tee and if it brassic then pj's bottoms too. I'm not sure what happened the other night I think I must have over heated with my hot water bottle, thick duvet and full pj set combo, and ended up having nightmares of being on holiday in Benidorm with the current cast which rose me from my deep sleep ripping off my clothes as I did that scary sleepy shouty thingy that I do so well.

Cat shit, the awful terrible and Damocles

2012-01-02T18:34:00.000Z

There is lots of blogging reflections going at the moment looking back at the last year. 2011 has to be up there with 2008 and the worst F*ckin year of my life! The lows were horrendous but the highs were wonderful and they kept me going. I'm not going to kid myself that 2012 could be my year. I'm not going to waste wishful thinking on that. However there is one thing that 2008 taught me is that I am a fighter. I am strong and I will get through this however painful. Christmas managed to arrive with out the sword of Damocles falling ( thought its still there swaying in the breeze.) In fact it has ended up being the best Christmas in long time. See my sister's blog for a full report. By the way the second batch of Orange liqueur tasted a damn sight better than the first!
Then we get to New Year. I have funny feelings about new year. All that reflection shit and looking back can reduce to me tears and looking for the gin bottle. My friends throw great parties but I've tended to avoid them over the past four years watching Jools Hootenanny instead and snuggling up with a hot water bottle. This year I thought bugger it. The year was so shit I needed a lift. With a number of options on the table, in the end I went for the best possible one of all. Friends party. There may have been the overwhelming smell of cat shit in the house, there may have been the the best fireworks ever set alight when no one was looking, the host may have been the most pissed I have ever seen him and ended the evening naked sprawled over all our coats. Laugh? I cried! It was the best I have had in a long time. Even Hot Date accompanied me despite being in the dog house declaring it to be a fun night. Jan 1st was good, not least for the post party tweeting and long walk, despite Dog House Joe ( hot date's alternate name ) trying to fathom his reason for top entry into the BAD BOOKS,
2012 may turn out to be fantastic year and I know that it could be worse than "the awful terrible" of 2008 but whatever it is I will be wearing killer heels, a nice bra and laughing.

Gagging, Robin & Jolene

2011-12-20T13:03:00.001Z

This blog mainly was inspired by a VGF at work. I have in fact hi jacked her from my sister, we do lunch at work on occasion. She's a hoot. We've both been navigating the new boyfriend scene together over the last year or so and swap stories that can be so similar at times. However I think she might have just trumped me. Both chaps are health/exercise junkies but hers definitely trumps mine. His love is a bike. So great is this love for his bike Jolene that her own photo as his screeensaver has been bumped off his phone for, you guessed it, Jolene the bike. It sounds like Jolene has a personality and is moving in on my mates chap. She needs to arm herself with nails and a puncture kit and show them to Jolene next time she comes around.

Robins are a special bird to me. They were my mothers' favourite, she did a great impression of one and knew bizarre facts such as their aggressive territorial nature and their sound they make when defending their said territory. In our old house I had a family of robins live in our garden but since moving we don't seem to see them anymore. Call it sentimental but I always felt that I was watched over when I saw a Robin, particularly when they had a habit of popping up when you were having a hard time. A programme featuring robins came on the tv last night and I burst into tears. How wet am I?

Gagging - C'mon ladies we've all done it. In this instance it was rife. It was strong, it was over in a heart beat but the experience is still with me now. Grating a shit load of Parmesan for the tonnes of parsnips that are going to be coated in them for said Christmas Day banquet left me reeling all night. The smell permeated every floor of the house and I actually woke up gagging.

For the rest of the week I have the following to look forward to. More Parmesan! Star pa and wifey arriving for a long stay, wrapping presents, cooking, shopping, a gig, a birthday and girls night out.

Rocking the Christmas Spirit

2011-12-08T12:37:00.001Z

My darling sister has tagged me. Perfect timing as I am in FULL CHRISTMAS SPIRIT ( apologies for shouting but I'm excited ) We have had 15th Annual convention of wreath making society. That first glass of mulled wine has never tasted so good, especially when it's rocking up a gale outside. To accompany said evening the essential ingredient is the Music. So I hit the old Spotify account and queue 'em up. To be made to choose a fave out of all of those titles is just criminal. I'm an old school girl at heart currently working the retro black eye liner, red lippy and pencil skirt look which moment should give you an indication of which era I am heading. I pause briefly over Phil Spectres Christmas sounds - The Ronnettes, The Crystals but continue on back onto the depths of time. Could it be Bing? Could we go Classical? I think we shall have to settle for this one. Get yourself a large sherry, mince pie and a blanket. Go Christmas!

Tagging continues to these choice few - Betty the Wood Fairy, Auntie Gwen, Sarah Maison CupCake, Fenn girl, Reddskinygal. Cmon ladies who will you be roacking ot this Christmas

Dogs, Shouty Monday and Washing machine wank,

2011-12-03T10:09:00.001Z

First blog of the Christmas month is short and sweet. I have taken 5 mins out (ok it ended up being half hour from the domestic goddess chores) just to forward a website I recently discovered to a friend who also likes to make stuff for Christmas.

This site is so up my street!

I know I have left it a bit late for the Orange Liqueur but is on my to do list as is Turkish delight. I would also have ago at doing the Christmas Pudding Cake Pops but it gave me flash backs to my jewellery making days and the year we introduced novelty stuff ( never again.) With the Annual Wreath making just around the corner there will be much foraging for stuff this weekend.

The rest of the day will be spent unblocking drains - glam
Cleaning bathrooms - more so
Making beds - love fresh sheets, they were in desperate need
Waxing just about my entire face not the floor
Lady garden pruning
Food shopping - groan
Christmas shopping
Trying to get in mood for Hot Date
Speaking to bank about my LOST BIRTH CERTIFICATE! - Yes you know who you are! ( might leave that till Shouty Monday?)

I have already had banter with the Butcher, the Post Office ( over lost post ) and chastised the dog for running off, collected a ton of dog shit from the back garden and groaned when the white came out of washing machine covered in washing machine wank. I just know that at the end of the day there is a large glass of something yum with my name on it. Welcome to my world.

Kitchen mama

2011-11-30T18:12:00.001Z

It's the gallery and She-ra has yet again commandeered the camera. I am mortified because
A- the kitchen looks filthy - probably because it is.
B- it doesn't come out well but I will let you make you own judgement on that.
Ideally I would have open plan to dining room so I could look across and see a child there working away but we just have a small table for two in the kitchen. This gets used for brekkie with Hot Date and I ( yes that's still going unbelievably ) or when there is just me and an off spring. On weekend I like to sit in the warmth of the kitchen with radio 2 on, lap top on cruising the blogs and web with large coffee in hand. how old am I?!

We go through vast quantities of dried fruit nuts and baking products in general. All stored in a variety of jam jars and kilner jars covered in sticky finger prints

The eggs are provided weekly from my chicken lady at work from her small holding. Some of them are enormous - wince away.

We have 2 fridges. The dairy,veg and condiments.

And the meat and booze fridge. Fortunately you cant see the booze * ahem ( you need to read my previous blog to realise why )

the Jaffas!

I love my birds. The middle one is Amy Cluckhouse!

Fabulous darling

2011-11-28T21:53:00.001Z

This weekend has been splediforous. My Scottish BFF, co egg roller and mother of 2 came down for girlie time. Up, or down as the case maybe, to the Big city with the bright lights and people she didn't know.
We lunched. Sainsurys Taste the difference Pea & ham soup as thick as snot and the same colour to boot, delish! and home made fennel ciabatta - yum
We shopped. Harvey Nichols, Liz Earle, Space NK, Jo Malone, (River Island for the wee one.) We smelt fabulous. We had beautiful wrapped parcels in fancy bags.
We bought M&S dine in for 2 for 4 plus extra wine. This quickly became dine in for 5 as He-mans girle joined us. Still in ballet regalia, bizarre.
We had gin & tonic and nibbles.
And a couple more.
We fully intended hitting the local high street however the howling gale and lashing rain put us off. what were we to do.
It kind of went down hill and ended up more like this.

Berrocca, chocolate and coke followed teh next day but we didn't behave any better either. Cue She-ra and plenty of eye rolling though she whisphered "mum you are having so much fun you haven't stopped laughing all weekend"

Silent Sunday

2011-11-27T15:06:00.001Z

Cheating as cant decide between the two.Go here for the original Silent Sunday

A day in the life of a 15year old

2011-11-15T20:28:00.001Z

Tara's challenge was to document your day for 11/11/11. I haven't done the gallery for some time and thought this was a challenge worth rising to. Only to be quite frank my day would have been dog walk, dog poo, drive to work, a terribly plain office followed by drive home in dark more dog walk and more dog poo. Boring!
However She-ra, aged 15 and half thought this would be fantastic. I am so pleased without any reminding from me that she captured poppies ( there were a lot more ) the essence of what this day is all about. So I give you her day in pictures in chronological order.

Cures of the Over hang

2011-11-13T13:52:00.001Z

Perusing twitter this morning there was a common theme running through it. Over indulgence of an alcoholic type. Given that I was fresh of face and a non indulger the night before ( a rare occurrence it tell you ) I asked for hangover cure remedies. It was no surprise that my kid sister was first off the mark with...

@LauraAWNTYMLaura Chora

@Mmeworthington Diet coke, the sofa

quickly followed by.....

@InsomniacMummyEllie H

@Mmeworthington The only hangover cure is a McDonald's with a coffee and fresh orange works every time! Fats, caffeine & vitamin C. :D

@ElsieAndertonElsie Anderton

@Mmeworthington 1)bloody Mary made with gherkin juice 2)handful of satsumas 3)Heinz tomato soup with grated cheese 4)bodyweight in frazzles

Elsie - that's just plain weird, since when has gherkin juice been a cure?

Not forgetting....

@MostlyYummy(Mostly) Yummy Mummy

@Mmeworthington Bacon. Berocca. Coffee. In that order.

I have my own remedies based on the severity of the Hangover

Red Bull and ibuprofen
Red Bull, ibuprofen and Thick white cut bread slathered in butter
Coke and snickers
Having now discovered Berroca I turn to this too. Found this most effective on our recent Palma jaunt
In most severe cases I turn to mac of D's. MacDonalds can be the only true saviour in this dire time. A big mac, fries and huge coke. I feel disgusted with myself afterwards and will probably do a walk of shame as penance.
Fresh air may be added but if you really cannot move off the sofa then I suggest a good run of film classics a la Star Wars, Sound of Music, Singing in the Rain and maybe a bit of Leon.

Please feel free to add your cures and comments.

Las Palmas Ocho

2011-11-08T21:09:00.001Z

I have no idea if that title is correct and hell I don't care. What I do know is that when it comes to October the highlight of that month, maybe even the year, is that girlie holiday away. 8 ladies of a certain age with a kind of confidence that has grown men quaking in their boots and young men curious as a cat, with only a thought for themselves and the laughter they might have away for a long weekend somewhere warm

As designated map reader I failed miserably this year and we got lost several times but I feel I redeemed myself with the a very good find of an apartment in central old town Palma.The apartment always has a quirk. This year it was state of the art bathrooms that had no doors. They also led straight off the main room and had a non flushing toilet but given there was a high state of constipation going around this was not too much of a problem.

There are compulsory activities. We have the eating, the late lazy breakfasts, the long lunches and the late dinners, the Cava, the bimbling, the shopping, the browsing, a bit of culture and a bit of dancing, the flopping down after a hard day of nothing and the vava vooming as we get ready to go out again.
We also had bicycling which was immense fun and ended in ... yes you guessed it a long lazy late lunch with nicest of staff ever who even gave us their wine glasses to take home.

There were themes as always to this jaunt.
Songify -This has us in hysterics

Who has had the most poos and who hasn't had any? This unfortunately was a strong theme
This rightly leads on to Constipation cures of which there were many. I give you fruit, seedy fruit, strong coffee, sniffing library books, a phone box ( I kid you not,) a shower, a run, cigarettes, pulpy orange juice and a roast dinner to give you, and I quote, " a good gravy smell". As you can see we gave this a lot of thought and came up with a lot of remedies most of which were tried.

On still a note of high sophistication as us ladies pondered one day a certain word. there is always A word that grabs our imagination one year it was Camel toe. This year it was Queef. Look it up.

There was another running theme of being wild like you didn't do in your youth. I didn't need to participate in this because ahem well I was. This mainly seemed to involve doing fake tattoos, including a spitting cock, jumping in water fountains, getting terribly terribly drunk and coming home terribly terribly late

I suppose I should also include the mad dash to the terminal where we ran through the airport at break neck speed, in wedges I'll have you know, in case Mr Ryanair left without us.

Roll on 2012. Which European destination will be our next target?

I lost my bottom

2011-10-31T21:18:00.000Z

This very small piece of my phone has been causing major problems for the last month.
It is the bottom bit of my HTC Legend which up until recently I loved. We are now is stand off relationship mode. I no longer caress its screen just before I go to bed to see who is cavorting on twitter or who is challenging me on Words with friends ( is there a addiction group for this because I am in major cold turkey ). No longer do I start the day with @Gail8 putting the kettle, @Kateab weekly menu planning or keeping up with my blogtastic sister. Is it possible to have virtual friends, those you have never met but seem to share a common bond? I know I miss mine.

Meanwhile the folks at HTC let me down badly, twice. Hitherto I had been their biggest fan, particularly when I got to talk to the south African guy ( top 5 fave accents .) HTC told me to by pass Vodafone as they would only send the phone to them anyway. However I found myself in Vodafone last week throwing myself on their mercy to sort out my phone which is still in warranty and clearly not working.

Not being the type of girl to leave things unresolved I also bought a part from the nice people e-cell on ebay. Nope that didn't fit either and they are left scratching their virtual heads trying to work out the problem too. They have recommended a video showing brute force. Vodafone slapped their hands to their face in complete horror at such a recommendation. I hope the nice e-cell people will honour their t&c's and give me a refund.

I blame myself. If I hadn't been egged on to take a photo on the plane of my snoozing friends I would never have lost the part.

gritty eyes and wwf withdrawl

2011-10-17T23:02:00.001+01:00

I am sat here on said Monday night having cooked up a splendiferous lasagne for tomorrow night out of Sundays left over beef joint. I am doing this in excruciating pain - ok slightly painful but blooming irritating all the same; I have grit in my eye. The dog walk earlier in the blustery evening kindly blew sand into my eye. It is now dripping and itching. I have bathed it, I have blown my nose, I have shoved tissue around it and its still in there. By this time tomorrow I think it will be all swollen and maybe weeping slightly - attractive.

To add to this irritant my lovely HTC died on my jaunt to Palma. HTC have been lovely, tried to fix and sent it back - unfixed. So back it went today. In the meantime I feel like I have gone back about 10 years unable to check my emails immediately, tweet rubbish and follow others activities. (its how my sister and keep tabs on each other ) and most of all I have major words with friends withdrawal. I am sure I was whopping Tara's ass.

Should you find a snivelling bulging eyed person coveting your android it isn't me. And was I really on holiday just a week ago in hot sunshine?

The girls do......

2011-10-06T06:59:00.003+01:00

In a few days I will be packing my bags and heading off to sunnier climes for our annual girlie weekend away. It started about 6 or 7 years ago and has been pretty much a constant for us all. This years destination is a repeat visit, the authorities don't know our plans so we are good to go.

Pre holiday the emails fly round. we have lists of who brings what - which we all ignore. We spend too much time talking over one another to pay attention. We have maps ( my role ) and music. We have restaurants and a list of things to do that for the most part we will try to do.

We already know that we will peak too soon and even though we will arrive at lunch time by 5pm we will be a wee bit too tipsy probably have a snooze and be slightly deflated by the time we go out for dinner.
The proceeding day will involve dark sunglasses and hang over remedies after a a breakfast of croissants coffee tea, fresh oj and a lot of talking.

Shopping will be involved and I am guessing we shall play Celebrity lookee likee and bird beast fish and fruit. We may get told to be quiet more than once. The local nutter always seems to know of our whereabouts and digs us out.

Its not so much Ladettes, we are far too sophis for that but more of a cross of Good Life/absolutely Fabulous/Inbetweeners. Evidence of a weekend of sobriety will be posted hence forth.

Is that me?

2011-09-28T22:21:00.000+01:00

I have been looking at my wee bio on my blog. Then I looked at my twitter bio. Is that me? Really?
40 something mum - check. Well actually try act like 27 look 37 *cough and feels 67
2 teenage terrorists - check. Yep getting bigger and scarier all the time
Keeping it together - really? I'm not so sure. The empties are in my boot cos the rather large recycling bin got full. The rattle of the bottles as I drive around are a constant reminder that A - why the hell haven't I gone to the bottle bank yet and B - you alkie
With help -I get by with a little help from friends
Red lippy - once my signature colour now I hardly ever bother. My pout is firmly nude. All those years practising to be Chrissie Hynde a la Pretenders and I've got nothing but the start of smokers lines on my upper lip and I don't even smoke. Good job I don't wear red lippy anymore either otherwise those lines would have seeping red lippy running down them like the Nile Estuary
Wine - yes that's me, more white these days than red. Or is it that I drink both in equal quantities. Plus I'm back on the gin and if I wasn't so skint there would be a bottle of jose cuervo Tequila in there too for margaritas
lot of laughter - Ah- not as much as I would like. In fact this needs boosting enormously

I think if I was to write it again it might be more along the lines of

Bring me sunshine, just like that, boom boom, what a carry on, Oh matron look at the swelling! What kids? I have kids?

Giant Cushions, Chickens & Sharp Corners

2011-09-20T20:47:00.000+01:00

I love my niece (the big one too but this blog is about littlies ) and my nephew to bits. From time to time I get to keep them all to myself. Even though they are in bed at a reasonable hour I am exhausted for a full 24 hours afterwards. We had a recent unexpected sleep over that had us doing all sorts of things as usual. They clearly have a list of expectations when they come to stay solo and even though their stay wasn't as long as usual they still tried to cram the same amount of stuff in.

First all the toys out of the garage that I keep in the special box. I try and put something new in there for them to discover each time. This time they found the DUCK & CHICKEN!

A lot of plastic army men then form battles across the entire ground floor of which I inevitably stand on one and we have a man down. Like every Toy Story viewer knows a soldier never leaves a good man behind.
Then we have the are the GIANT cushions. 5 year old nephew goes hunting, piling them at the bottom of the stairs taking care to leave all sharp corners uncovered and possible obstacles to avoid in full view. He then starts jumping from the bottom step, the next step and so on. At the last look he sneaked to step 9 when I wasn't looking but his sister dobbed in him, she of the "I only go to the 5th step auntie K"

Baking is always on the list so this time it was helping me make tea. Cheese souffle to be precise. I do hope when they show Mum & Dad how to check the egg whites are ready by holding the whipped whites in a bowl over their head that they are, er, actually ready.

If Dr Who season is in full swing then that's allowed. There was much hiding behind the cushions from the 7 year old niece and nephew was oblivious.

He chooses the same bed time story every time he comes. The Story of the Little Mole who knew it was none of his Business by Werner Holzwarth/Wolf Erlbruch and Clark the Toothless Shark by Corinne Mellor. She will find as many books as possible to read. Bedtime is called and I relax into a pint of wine
Morning arrives abut 2 hours earlier than I am used to and we are in the park before 9am. We come back for homemade pancakes before doing stuff with big cousins/ aka as the 2 teens with the wee ones in awe as we go. Neice watched wistfully as She-ra cantered around the arenea on a lovely horse. Nephew jumped off the mounting block before feeding the horses. I counted his fingers and they were all there. Then it was to rugby to watch He-man where mum and dad were waiting, hangover in evidence. Nephew learnt some choice phrases from the big lads as we watched the full body contact on the pitch. You just know that those phrases will appear at the most inopportune moment

I would just like to add on my watch that my kamikazee nephew managed to avoid any major disaster involving a trip to A&;E. He saved that until he got home and cracked the back of his head open invovling ltos of blood and rasied eyebrows at A&E when the doctors saw he was a frequent visitor. *ahem

Silent Sunday

2011-09-18T09:39:00.000+01:00

Happy memory- The Gallery

2011-09-14T12:52:00.000+01:00

I am finding Blogging hard work at the moment. The inspiration has gone. I look to Tara & Cosmic girlie to suggest things to keep me ticking over until I get my mojo back. ( If anyone finds it can you please return to sender along with the lost keys and money down the back of the sofa )

Taras challenge last week was shoes. Right up my street. My daughter had a Shoe-gasm - her words not mine. Alas she also had a brace fitted and much of last week was spent giving cuddles and wiping away tears. I missed my chance. This week's challenge, A Happy Memory. Easier said than done.

I have a terrible memory. Looking back at my own childhood is like looking down a black hole. I look at photos and can recall very little about the circumstances. My sister on the other hand can recall things in meticulous details. Pity we were born 10 years apart or that could have been useful.

Best to look at my kids for happy memories. So I chose this taken nearly 7 years ago. We were on a blustery Northumbrian beach in May. We were the first guests at my friends newly refurbished house and had au pair and 2 dogs in tow. Happy times

Curry Cava and Ring Sting

2011-09-03T20:33:00.000+01:00

Recently we had an impromptu mid week girlie get together. At least those of us who were able to make it. Incredibly we have become wiser as we get older and realise that whilst we love to talk ( all at the same time and over each other ) that is if we don't get a move on and order our take away ASAP 2 hours will have passed and we are now too drunk to remember what we were supposed to be doing. Last night was an example of military precision of Cava in hand menu in the other and order placed within 45 minutes of arrival.

The talking was non stop, no change there. But when will I remember that after a couple of glasses of Cava it is time to move on. Choose a different beverage maybe even NON ALCOHOLIC!? But no. Today I am suffering. Several bottles of Cava later my friends left and the Cava then made me dance round my dining room pulling dance moves in the patio window reflection. Thank god He-man was out and She-ra was away. Embarrassing mother time yet again.

Oh and the ring sting? I can conclude that curry and cava do not mix. Ain't that the case Mr Porcelain?

Bark and the world will listen

2011-08-13T21:25:00.000+01:00

We have dropped off the dog at kennels. She knew it was coming. First it was the annual trip to the vets. He gave her a thorough going over encouraged with biscuits. But all she could say was ouch that hurt. Thne there was inevitable suitcases. At that point she knows most definitely that we are going away. The question is, is she coming too? The eyes get sadder, she sticks to your leg like glue. The last walk of the day is like dead man walking. Then it's time. Time to drop her off. All the other dogs are up at their pens barking " are you here for me? " "Take me home" and she is looking uneasy, hackles rising. Then we have to leave her. The other dogs are barking mad. Then all you can hear is our wee dog and the others all fall silent and you can still hear ours. I'd like to think she was saying " Right you lot, who's got the gin and get out the cards"

Surviving the longest car ride ever

2011-08-11T21:01:00.000+01:00

As many of peeps are already at their holdiay destination with the journey a distant, but painful memory in the past and still the rturn journey to make I thought I woudl impart some of my tips. I think this is the only area where I can feel like a smug mummy having failed in just about other area quite spectatularly. However when it comes to sleeping and long journeys I confess to scoring quite highly. I was prompted to write this article after reading someithing on a similar subject by Professor Tanya Byron. She was all well and good but giving tips like being prepared for a long journey? well you handly need a Prof to tell you that. Anyway my tips which have got me from the North of England to the South of France and further on many occasions are as follows:

This is an ABSOLUTE. You must never ever ever feed your child a combo of haribo and cheese strings on an empty stomach early in the mornign pre breakfast. I am afraid the excitement of the forthfcoming holiday causes a Veusious effect and be ejected at any moment. Usually on a Toll Road with no place to pull over.. You then are likely to have to travel several hundred miles with the worse in car freshner ever. I would also like to point out that I did not provide these items to my child they helped themselves rather sneakily to them. Anyway horror story over...
Invest in a Magna Doodle. With this you can then play games like Monsters whenre you all take it in turns to creat a monster. One by one you pass the doodle round starting with a head shape then passing it to the next so they can add an ear or an eye or oustache. Great fun buit can give you a bit of a cricked neck with all that turning to the rear of the car. You can do it with paper but the Magna Doodle thing seems more fun.
Audio books. Depending on the age of your children these can be an absolute god send or may drive you slightly crazy. Once we got onto Lemony Snicket our holiday journeys were as much as part of the fun as the holidays itself. This can gain you upto 4 hours of peace and quiet in one long stretch. It can also have you all sat at your destination waiting for the audio book to get to a suitable spot to pause as you are so gripped in the tale
Snacks. The healthier the better - see point 1 as for why. Dried fruit, fruit, sandwiches. Plenty of water. The key is not to hand the out the minute you have left your drive way. In fact that can be said for all of my tips. Wait til required and not a moment before.
The number plate game. Take the letters of a number plate and make up 3 words. Eg AFT Air Floating Turnip. The randomness usually causes hilarity. The older they get the ruder it becomes
Travel Bingo. Make up your own list or picture depending on the ages of things you would expect to see en route. This can either be a check list of pictures depending on the ages of your travelling companions. Arm the littlies with clip boards and get them spotting. Prizes always help. You could also have this as travel treasure trail too
Singing there's nothing like a rendition of Wheels on the bus or Reach for the Stars to get them going
Leave in the middle of the night - Not so good for the parents but can gain you valuable silent travelling time
Top Trumps always worked well for us in the car. We have just passed on our heritage to my sister of nearly 20 odd packs.
Expect to stop for wee and poos and much needed breaks.
Its not a good start to the holiday if tempers are frayed so I always took it in my stride. Now they are older they just tend to sleep ( this is my second success story ) however this is not always so good if you are in need of a navigator.

Enjoy your holidays but if anyone has got any tips on how to discipline a 6'1" 17 year old or a flouncing 15 year old I would be much obliged

You are your car

2011-08-03T11:24:00.000+01:00

A few months ago I wrote about the pain I was having with my car. Or was that the pain of a car. For a few weeks I was a petrol head. I could have been a guest presenter on Top Gear. I knew about mpg, torque, models, makes, the pros the cons, which cars had been on autotrader the longest, the finance deal, the works. Just get me the fur lined sheepskin jacket, the jingle jangle gold bracelets and I was your man, or woman.

This search had a main criteria of reliability at the top of the list and cheap to maintain. Yawn. I'm going to sleep already. My Renault Megane Dynamique - Shake that ass baby - had reached the end of its 7 year life span and spent it's 8th year with spiralling costs and electric faults a plenty. It might have been a diesel but it was turbo and a top of the range model. It had all the knobs on and in its hey day was pleasure to drive. So in desperation I ended up with my new(ish) car. The Ford Focus. It fitted my criteria and price band and here I am with a 07 plate. Petrol. That was my first mistake. Petrol, what was I thinking, this car does even less to the gallon the French gas guzzler before it. My monthly fuel bills have rocketed at a time when I need to cut back. I now drive like an old man and am thinking about getting the hat to go with my new driving style in an effort to save petrol money.Friends have associated me with my French oo la la for so long that they look surprised when the see my silver fox, actually more of a silver trilby. Never associated you with one of those, they say. So what does your car say about really? Is it really a reflection of your personality, what is it saying about my lifestyle? I am actually beginning to panic now. My Ford is like some alter ego ready to take over my life if the real me should choose to opt out. Flat hat, apple turnover shoes, hairy legs and baggy cords. I have them all somewhere in my 12ft wardrobe

Of my car of choice. Of the car that is so much more me. Alfa Romeo Guilietta I love you. We were meant to be together. We would fit each other beautifully. Even down the temperamental bit. There is one on my street that I have been loitering around. I think the owner may have noticed the dribble on the windows. This should have been my car of choice but I ain't got the coffers to fund it. Every recent issue of Sunday Times In gear has given the Alfa the thumbs up. And now I have learnt there is a diesel version of the latest model that is getting all the good write ups. I am even considering of going for a test drive without ever a hope in owning one in the near future. I am proper pining.

Reading n stuff

2011-07-28T22:15:00.001+01:00

Summer holidays are here again and my thoughts turn to my reading list for my jollies. What are you taking on holidays and how many do you actually read? First holiday post separation I took 10 books for a 14 days away. My friends thought it hilarious, I managed to read 7 in the end. My reading list has shortened some what in the intervening period. So here I am with 2 weeks ahead of me and I'm in need of inspriation. Any ideas?

so far I have on my list
Kate Atkinson - Started early took the dog
David Nicholls Starter for ten
If God was a rabbit
Stella Rimmington recently reviewed book but can't remember its names.
Something set in early 1800's - I love all the gore and chaos

I shall probably end up doing what I always do and blag books off my sister who has her own library practically. That and maybe a trip to the local library.

And any tips on how to get my teens back into reading? She-ra used to devour every Darren Shan that came her way and read the entire collection several times over. These days - nothing, nada, zilch. I have tried to encourage her but to no avail.
He-man has recently taken up reading again but is just re reading his old Cherub books. He's nearly 17 and should be on something a bit more advanced but hey at least he is reading, its not porn and has asked for the latest Cherub book to take away with him.

So if you would like to write a blog post about your book recommendations or if you want to link to past posts about book recommendations please use the linky tool thingy below. All hot tips are most welcome.This list will be open until 23 August so please feel free to come back and see what has been recommended. My recommendation by the way;

It's an oldie but a goodie plus you get laughter as added bonus.
Others I would recommend:
A concise Chinese- English Dictionary for lovers by Xiaolu Guo
Framed by Frank Cotterell Boyce
The brief history of the dead by Kevin Brockmeier
The Secret River by Kate Grenville
Fingersmith by Sarah waters - a world book giveaway. I would never have read it otherwise

First time linky tool user here goes. Get recommmending

The Italian Stallion - more of a pony actually

2011-07-24T22:09:00.000+01:00

Over the years I have had various Continentals grace our sheets. Be they au pairs here for a while, or not as the case maybe, or exchange students. The most recent is Italian. 16 years old. Male. That was all the information I had to go on. And his name. Oh and the fact he is allergic to dust and house mites. That immediately had me worried. What! you mean I am going to have clean whilst he's here?

Over the past 2 weeks I have observed the following;
He is very polite
He smokes like a chimney
ergo - he stinks of cigarettes, stale smoke ew
He doesn't appear to have used the bathroom more than three times
He eats whatever is put in front of him
He was quite happy to eat fish fingers when couldn't be arsed * ahem I mean busy scrapping a meal together before payday
He spends a lot of time in the garden just gazing into the distance oh and smoking
He appears to have only brought 3 pairs of underpants for 14 days
He is very punctual
He is quite small. I think I might break him.
He is obsessed with designer labels " Where can I find 'Ollister"
Unless he is shopping everything is boring ( same could be said for most teens )
He has eaten his body weight in jam for breakfast
He sees me as a taxi service - no change there then ( in fact I feel another speeding ticket coming on )
He expected me to pick up him up every night at 11pm. * harrumph
He gets on well with He-man ( in fact he finds him hilarious so he doesn't need any encouragement there thank you )
He is lusting after She-ra. In week 1 she thought he was gorgeous and then gave him the cold shoulder ( or as far as he in concerend the come on ) The more she ignored him the more he sought her attention

Yes we get an allowance for our guest but that has just about gone in petrol money so I am no even quids in, If I could have dropped the taxi service bit and maybe the ponginess of our guest I would have another one to stay. She-ra said it the best "he's not a pet mum"

Silent Sunday

2011-07-17T09:14:00.000+01:00

Silent Sunday. Be quiet and go to view the rest.

I would rather die than do a Ginger!

2011-07-15T13:37:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry if you are of gorgeous auburn locks, of red rubyness, of autumnal colours but I'm afraid when it comes to the attraction stakes I have yet to find one that has set the juices flowing. As a lady, yes I feel lady is the correct description, of the best years ever * the decade of 40's, I feel I have some experience here that I can draw on. My years of expert window shopping of the opposite sex what ever the time of day I have yet to do the old double take when I have already clocked that curly carrot top. What is it about being ginger that had my sister and I worrying when we were pregnant with our relevant off spring that they might inherit the ginger gene from 2 generations ago? Why does the thought of ginger pubes make my skin crawl more than say grey ones? Why do gingers get such a bashing? Why does there appear to be so many in the limelight. Be it Ron Weasley, Rebekah Brookes or Boris Becker they always seem to have high profiles whether it be in the media or the business world. Why does this small representation of the population seem to be taking over the world?

Whilst playing a very sophisticated game last night called " who would you rather" with clearly an equally very sophisticated group of friends it was on the posing question of "who would you rather Ron Weasley or Daniel Radcliffe or die " that my true gingerphobia was revealed ( thanks god they didn't pose one about dwarves because that would have ended it for me ) Yes I would rather die than "do" Ron. Sorry Ron.

Cock!

2011-07-13T07:43:00.000+01:00

There is a time and place for a young lady to have her first experience of mens tackle and the park isn't one of them. As She-ra and I strolled through one of my new walks a police officer on his motor bike was patrolling the park. As we headed off through the woods he stopped us to ask " have you seen a man in a purple top?" Actually it sounded more like " hmunnpf fptt thxye " as he had his helmet on ( his head. ) however we still replied "no". " Oh", came the response " well he's been exposing himself so if you see him please call us."
It was this point that any sane person would have thought that maybe a walk in the woods wasn't such a good idea, turned back and gone home. But being the dipsticks we are we carried on regardless. We are British after all and we wouldn't let the matter of a man's cock come in the way of that now would we? The further we went into the woods the more nervous I became as I realised the stupidity of what we had done. Suddenly I could hear every stick breaking and leaf rustling. There were knobs everywhere! I thought be calm and don't freak out She-ra. Then I thought let's not be stupid about this, it is a man with his knob out. How pathetic is that? We would probably need a magnifying glass to see it anyway and let's face they are quite funny.

Silent Sunday

2011-07-10T07:57:00.000+01:00

SSSShhhhhhh - Take a peek at the rest

Square sausage

2011-07-07T19:17:00.005+01:00

If you are Scottish you will immediately identify with the terms square sausage. Coming from the wrong side of the border this was a delicacy little known to me. At the most recent Egg Roll, my good Scottish friend came positively armed with mountains of the stuff. If I had needed to fashion a garden wall that weekend I now had the ready tools. I have managed to use it on fry up Sundays when we need to soak up the contents of our stomachs. most recently this Sunday much to the horror of brother in law who complained that his VGScottish friend also swears by the stuff. With packets now loitering in the fridge having already been defrosted I was left with a dilemma. Do I now make the sodding garden wall with it or do we fashion it into something else? I give you Sausage pasta Sauce - bastard son of a Jamie Oliver Recipe

bunch of Spring onions

a carrot - not a bendy one like always find in the bottom of my fridge

2 red chillies fresh ones - I keep mine in the freezer cos they last longer. I am addicted to them

4 square sausages or more depending how need to use up * cough or much you have

1 tsp fennel seeds

handful of fresh oregano

Pasta of choice

4 cloves of garlic - crushed

4 tbsp balsamic vinegar

1 x 400g tin or box chopped tomatoes

bit of basil

Boccatini or mini mozzarella to you and me

Whiz your prepared Spring onions, carrots and chilli in the food processor. Add the Sausage, fennel and oregeno. Pulse till well mixed. Add mixture to a hot frying pan with a glug of olive oil. Keep breaking it up. Add your garlic, then your balsamic and tomatoes. Cook off. just before serving sink mozzarella into mixture

Cook and prepare your pasta and mix together.

This has been declared as officially yum by chief tasters and the reputation of Square Sausage has been saved. No pictures as it doesn't score high on the visual stakes. I shall be sending the recipe due north with my youngest when she goes to visit Auntie C this summer. She'll be in for a wee treat.

My Week in pictures

2011-07-04T21:19:00.025+01:00

an an attempt to keep productivity going coupled with the fact that I have hit a bloggers block I have resorted to keeping a diary of my week in pictures. The source of the blockage is Mr EX. Yes something wicked this way comes but we have to deal with it all the same. so some days I have failed to do anything at all and others we were profuse in our photo taking. This was my week that was. I wonder what will the week ahead be like?

oo like Mammooth?

2011-06-27T20:16:00.004+01:00

Tonight we have....

Laughed hysterically at the huge red cyst that is growing under my arm pit. It is painful and even though She-ra tried squeezing it once she is now very afraid of it. Bless her that she tried in the first instance. Doctors beckons now and a possible remake of How To Get Ahead in Advertising.

Sat outside to eat our lovely scrumptious in the top 10 suppers.

We played gin rummy whilst pretending to be the Hairy Cave men from Armstrong & Miller. We found it hilarious I'm not so sure about the neighbours.

I now have a date with Mr Veet -Wax strips and Mrs Tweezers. I blame all that sun - it makes things grow.

Silent Sunday

2011-06-26T10:20:00.002+01:00

Silent sunday -ssh

Spain, Red Wine & A 12ft Wardrobe

2011-06-20T22:15:00.003+01:00

You may need the sick bucket before you read the rest of this article. You see I am in the throes of young love. Yes I know I am not young but the relationship is and as such you do soppy things. I give you recent conversation with Hot Date.
Me ( clearly the soppy one ): What do you think of when you think of me?
HD: looks very puzzled
Me: Ok what images come into your head when you think of me?
No sooner had I said this I realised that was a devilish look that had crossed fleetingly across his mush and not a look of confusion that I mistook it for
Me - still ( I can talk the hind legs off a donkey ): So when I think of you I think of sport, healthiness, clean, and sunshine.
HD, looking crestfallen as I hadn't mentioned sex: that makes me sound very boring
Me: So What.Do.You.Think.Of .When. You.Think.Of. Me. ( Speaking slowly now as he doesn't look like he gets it and I am beginning to lose patience whilst beginning to be fearful of his answers )
HD: I think of Spain ( I am a cunning linguist of which he has recently been a lucky beneficiary ) Red Wine ( If our relationship should falter then my legacy to him will be the introduction of vino ) and a 12ft wardrobe. ( say what )
Me: Que?
HD: You have a 12ft wardrobe.
I do not see a problem with that. Everything is hung up just as it should be. We have summer and winter, work and pleasure. We have shoes and boots, shelves for scarves and bags. Hangers for belts. Drawers for stuff that I forget about. Drawers for holiday documents and drawers for articles I have ripped out of magazines for inspiration for rooms I will never decorate. Drawers for the clothes that I am fearful I might one day grow back into so them there those fat pants will stay shoved to the back. I do not share my bedroom with anyone and therefore all that wardrobe space is mine. Mine I tell you all mine.
Me: What's wrong with that?
HD : Nothing. It's what might be in it that scares me.

Harrumph!

A work day and I was naked

2011-06-17T20:44:00.008+01:00

Today has been the end of very busy working week. To be fair every week is a bloody hard working week but this one just seemed even more so. I rarely leave the office. I seem bound to my desk by invisible cords. A shame when I know the city is calling me, tempting me with lovely shops to spend my money. But no, I eat at my desk and just plough one through. I can't even be arsed to go to the gym like I did last year. Oh no sorry that wasn't last year that was 4 years ago. Nor do I slope off with a book to find some sunshine to bathe in. Nope work work work. Just like the rest of the world.
Apart from today. I was on a mission. To buy a cigar. For father day. It's not often I buy such gifts but hey he's here instead of there and I thought why not. Plus I got one for a very good friend and colleague at work by way of thanks. Thrilled at being in a humidor. Delighted at my purchases and the fact I managed not buy myself any cigars despite being a smoke free zone for many a decade ( but I could at a drop of hat I really could .) This spurred me on. What else was I in the mood for? Getting naked clearly. Having just returned from a week on very hot sunshine what I felt I needed was a bikini. What better time try on a bikini than when you have a tan. OK so the kids have being calling me Benidorm Madge. Really ! Harrumph! Actually less Madge more mottled spam as I had slapped on sun cream like a demented idiot missing more than I hit with the result of a mottled spam effect the next day. This is never a good look particularly when you have gone on a romantic-can't keep your-hands-off-each-other week with Hot Date.

So never one to pass up an impulse I dived into the nearest retail therapy surgery. In this case TK Maxx and dived on the swimwear section. Having harboured bikini envy for a whole week. whilst away along with Summer wardrobe envy too I felt that my next jolly in the summer should be better kitted out. 10 bikinis later I have purchased 2 at a tenner each down from £55 each. Bargain! It did it strike me as bizarre as I was stood starkers at a half past one of a work day that I wouldn't normally be naked at this time of day. But then I quite like the idea of being naked when you shouldn't be - it's so naughty isn't it.

I just cant get you out of my head

2011-06-13T21:48:00.006+01:00

Does the title of my blog get you thinking of Kylie? Do you sometimes have a song going round and round in your head that either irks you or puts a smile on your face. Imagine my horror when I woke this morning humming this.

So I tweeted as you do.
Greenie01
@Mmeworthington Reminded me of the first single I ever bought, jimmy Osmond's Long haired lover from Liverpool. What was yours? #firstsingle

To which replied Gaila88 @Mmeworthington damn you @Mmeworthington I'm humming it now. Grrr

And it got me thinking what was your first single that you bought or can remember bopping around to. ( I should also point out that whilst discussing this at dinner my daughter couldn't get her head round buying vinyl and that it was 2 sided - #totallookofconfusion)Whilst I can't deny that not only was I member of the Osmond fan club and yes Tony Blackburn gave me a birthday mention before playing Long haired lover from Liverpool ( Sorry Jimmy but I actually preferred Donny ) I think it was actually Suzie Quattro Down at the Devil gate drive oh hang on it could have been Alvin Stardust. Damn it I can't remember - can you? Please feel free to comment with your first remembered single

Silent Sunday

2011-06-12T10:09:00.004+01:00

For more Silent Sunday go to Mocha beanie mummy

And it came on my arm

2011-05-29T00:44:00.005+01:00

The last few days seem to be of the ejaculatory sort. As you do. Firstly there was the moth. The moth that as I was drifting off to sleep came on my arm. I realise I have missed a word out here that being "landed." And so it was when I recounted the mediocrity of my life to the giggling teens the next night that when I said " a moth came on my arm" that they fell about laughing. This was made even worse when they asked I got rid of said beast " I tossed it off" I replied. More guffaws. "...and I had to wipe it up with a tissue" They were crying genuine tears. What? What did I say.

However my moth was nothing to The Dachshund. If you are squeamish look away now. There we were, the girls and me, enjoying a glass of three of Sauvignon Blanc giddy with half term holidayitis sharing tales around the table of this busy restaurant. First there was the gaff of Good Catholic Environmental mother of 3 who had told her colleagues earlier in the week that one of their team had died. When in fact he hadn't. Still when he died later on that week they had all had a dress rehearsal. Then there was the story of the grandad who dutifully picked up his grand daughter up from Reception. Only to discover when the parents came to collect said child that he had collected the WRONG ONE! And finally I give you the dachshund. This story followed my moth story as otherwise I have no idea how we would have ever found out that my VG curly haired friend once had a sausage dog rubs his Frankfurter rather to vigorously on her as a teen and came all over her mohair jumper. Enough said.

My Lady Garden

2011-05-23T12:34:00.017+01:00

When Tara threw down the latest challenge for The Gallery as being "my back yard" I though hurrah I can talk about my lovely small garden . That's alright, cry my family, because you are small. ( I am not small I am 5'5.5", that half inch is very important, its just the rest of them that are giants.) So yes it is small but perfectly formed, a little scraggy on occasion around the edge but nothing a quick trim can't sort out. It's easy to tend to and can accommodate all sorts of activities be it bathing in the sunshine, pulling up weeds, chilling, reading, quoffing ( love that word ), entertaining, fire building and last but not least somewhere for the dog to spend a penny or leave a pound.

Over the years I have had varying sizes of back yards. In Edinburgh we had a shared garden that we hardly ever used. Especially after the Old Woman With Scissors incident. In the North East we had a Victorian terraced house whose back yard had been taken up by a garage so all we had left was a space like a large coffin. We used to fish wife on the front door step instead - much more fun. We then had houses with much bigger gardens particularly the last one and doing the lawn was a truly exhausting task; think demented gardener look.

If I could change anything it would be a spot of sunshine that lasts way into the evening so I can enjoy a glass of chilled something and a patch big enough to grow vegetables in other than that I'm quite happy with my small lady garden.

Trading Places with my dog

2011-05-22T09:59:00.004+01:00

Sometimes I would like to be my dog. She has no cares in the world, every day is a new day and she gets lots of walks and fussing over. I particularly love the gone bonkers moments; whites of eyes showing tail going and mad running. I don't want, however, people watching me whilst I have a dump or a wee. And one day, just one day, I am going to catch myself a goddamn Squirrel! I don't want other dogs sniffing my bits either.

The dog goes wild

Silent Sunday

2011-05-22T09:44:00.003+01:00

Mochabeaniemummy says be silent 1 picture no words

Tash-tastic

2011-05-17T18:25:00.010+01:00

for Tara's Gallery - I haven't participated in a while so forgive me if I'm a bit early for once.

We love a good tash. I give you a small selection of tash-tastic fun. There are none of me because I have my very own moustache that will when I am an old lady (so not long there then) be the stuff my nephew would point at and stare. I will probably have a beard too. However I doubt I will win this competition because I am related to the judge and she's seen it all before. but for those of you haven't.....

Happy Birthday Blog

2011-05-15T10:12:00.005+01:00

Happy birthday to you. Can't believe I started this 2 years ago and I am still spouting crap 2 years later. In true me style I missed the actual day but at least I got the month right.

Read The first entry

Or try

The one with the most hits

Or most comments

The rants

The daughter

The Hot Date

The Grandad and another one

In fondest memory

Thanks for all the comments. I think I will have quite a bit to blog about over the next few weeks as going away on holiday with hot date without children & children being taken care of by Grumps will surely give me plenty of blogging fodder

Silent Sunday

2011-05-15T09:25:00.000+01:00

Silent Sunday

2011-05-08T09:59:00.003+01:00

Mochabeaniemummy does other Silent Sundays too.

Ignacio

2011-05-03T19:06:00.005+01:00

These moments have been rare in our house of late. But when they happen it brings me such joy and pride. it just shows reading Dr Seuss and Lemony Snicket all those years did pay off let the ridiculous begin. This was the conversation at dinner tonight

Me; There's a spider on the dinner table

He-man; There's a maassssive spider in the bathroom.

She-ra; I know I think its watching me

He-man; it is it told me

She-ra: ?

He-man; he's called Ignacio and he's told me he is in love with you

She-ra; ???!

He-man; He's been asking me (in Mexican accent ) "Ey, how am I going to get you seester to fall in love with me?"

She-ra's looking even more puzzled but laughing lots

He-man: Ignacio says" I sneak into her room at night to watch 'er"

He-man (pointing at She-ra's face ) what are those marks on your face?

Me; They are spider love bites. Ignacio says "'e wants you, 'e wants to put his eight arms around you"

He-man; He has a brother Ramon in the downstairs bathroom. they work for Diego.

Me- who's Diego?

He-man - the Don. He's in my bathroom. He's huge

Renault Megane for sale

2011-05-02T10:34:00.000+01:00

For sale

One Renault Megane that has lost its vava voom

1 lady owner who was not so careful and reversed into a wall and down the side of another wall, drove over a bump, got bumped, knicked and scratched. It's a well travelled vehicle and has covered just about all corners of UK and even been abroad.

It's been back and forth to the garage so everything is in working order.

Reason for sale? see below

Just how much money can you spend on a car! A second hand one that is. An 8 year old French bag of spanners to be priceise. In the past 12 months I have spent over £2500 on my car and just this week, only a month after the latest escapade of broken drivers window electrics , there is a new fault. White smoke this time. Not some heady scent of Gitanes to take me back to my youth but smelly burn rubber on me kind of smell. £2500! I ask you, that was a healthy deposit on the way to a brand spanking new car. Or a holiday, a fly drive even.

So you great big money guzzling heap of shit I hope you are quivering on the drive way because YOU are going! within in the next 4 weeks.

I've looked Fords, fiestas and focus, mazda 3's, honda civic - new models only with their funky cyclops eye fog lights thing going on there, skodas in various forms ( yes skodas as I am in full who gives a fuck about the frigging badge anyway kind of mood ), alfas because they are beautiful but impractical, flights of fancy such as classic cars or land rover defenders. I know my father will be gnashing his teeth but having trawled through endless reviews and price comparisons there are some good deals out there. And you know what I'd quite like a Golf or a Polo. I just don't know if I will be able to get the current Renault with its fat ass over to said dealers. As for finance- it can't be any worse than I'm currently coughing up for my pile of nuts,bolts and a baguette rammed up its arse.

Whilst most of the country has been glued to the Roayl wedding My weekend has been spent looking for the marriage made in heaven of me, new car and finance deal. Any offers for the old model?

not so Silent Sunday

2011-05-01T09:09:00.005+01:00

The one time I have got my arse out of bed,all be it to do something else, and post to Silent Sunday I find it is on holiday this week. Ah feck it, have posted anyway cos now I can break the vow of silence imposed by mochabeaniemummy. So here's me and hot date swinging as it were. Captured on film by She-ra who seems to have left her adventure gene in Holland and refused point blank to join in.

I could have spent all day swinging back and forth over the water. Tempted though I was to let go the near by sign warning of of blue green algae tightened my grip. I have no idea what this multicoloured algae is but I just had Lemony Snicket type thoughts running through my mind such as lachrymose lake and its leeches.

Spit Spat

2011-04-26T21:34:00.005+01:00

We've had a houseful and now it back us 3 and a dog. Please take a walk through our time together this evening.
I arrive home 6 ish. She-ra is elbow deep in cookie mixture in full baking mode.
He-man is in his lair playing on PS2.
I lovingly make dinner, trying to inject a bit of spice into our midweek tea time meals. Spiced lamb mince kebabs, rice with veggies and salad. A mini triumph mid week so I thought
I manage to talk to She-ra about revision , queue lots of eye rolling and hair flicking and a reach for the ear plugs so she can't hear me whilst staring goggle eyed at the PC.
He-man seems to have drunk his body weight in coke.
All are summoned to table. Within minutes the teenagers are fighting, pinching each others food. licking the rim of each others glasses and generally behaving appallingly. When they then started spitting at each others food I threw a fit. They have never done this sort ofthing before and I don't know where it comes from. It seems to be recent development between the two of them. From snarling and generally avoiding each other we are now entering toddler behaviour territory. Just the other day I had to pull over as they fought in the back of the car over who was being Easter Bunny. He-man invariably starts it. She-ra rises to the bait giggling before it turns into crying. They don't seem to mention this stage in the self books. Believe me I look. I keep these books near my bed like security blankets that can ward off evil teen behaviour. They have failed miserably.
I am now sat on my own in the sitting room. She-ra is floating between bathroom, bedroom and 90210. He-man has got changed again and after pootling on facebook has come to play annoy-a-mother. He's a master of this game.
I hope this current spell of behaving badly ends soon. Give me strength please in huge doses.

Silent Sunday

2011-04-16T22:15:00.006+01:00

The Hat

2011-04-09T13:51:00.005+01:00

( In answer to some of the questions following my recent Silent Sunday post here you go )

This is The Hat that my good friend Meldy lent me to go to the Ball I didn't want to go to because I had a shite day.

I took my daughter & her mates to cadets dressed to the nines with flat shoes on. I have never gotten ready so quickly, granted I was a bit hairy and probably smelly but heigh ho. Note to self - never ever try and apply fake tan to legs when in a hurry or without gloves. Frantic scrubbing came next.

I had taken up the invitation some months earlier from a supplier who is such a nice man in the true sense of the of the word. He was in his kilt and glengarry making a fine figure.

The Ball was some swanky legal bash and we were late.

We were late as the taxi firm are fuck wits sending the cab to the wrong house.

Missing the champagne reception we ran up the steps where we were set upon by a man dressed as a White rabbit. " You're late you're late" he cried waving a gigantic pocket watch at us. I'm not sure if could read my lips but I think it started with an F and ended in off.

I was glad of the hat even though it was a bit tight. No one looks at your face when you wear a big hat and yes I was wearing knickers, bloody great big red ones!

A wee ditty

2011-04-07T09:49:00.005+01:00

Having been brought up on the likes of Dr Suess, Lewis Caroll and Spike Milligan I have a penchant for the daftness of phrase coupled with the need to turn a sad situation into a happy-laugh-your-socks-off one. the latter a skill that my son also possess which can make it impossible to be annoyed with him sometimes and others really pushes your buttons. However such skill was called into play this week ( on a number of occasions ) and I feel that I will be repeating the following ditty on many occasions over the next few weeks. I give you Poo:

cow shit, sheep shit, rabbit shit too

goat shit, dog shit and elephant poo

Silent Sunday - Big Hat

2011-04-03T13:31:00.004+01:00

Silent Sunday - no words just pictures

Right here right now

2011-04-02T08:06:00.004+01:00

Right here right now I have been slurping a cup of freshly brewed coffee in bed after waving good bye to Hot Date as he heads back home. I have drafted my to do list for the day and already know that I wont get it all done. I haven't sat in bed and pottered on laptop first thing in the morning for months. Probably because it is usually in some teens room. But it's my guilty pleasure. I'm pondering tomorrow - Mother's Day - and wondering whether my 2 will even remember. They forgot once, the year after the Great Split , I was so upset. I don't expect gifts, a home made card and kind gestures would suffice but not nothing at all. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but I do know it brings memories of my own mother who I lost so many years ago now that her memory is fragile like antique cloth. Touch it and it disintegrates in your fingers. I have such a poor memory in general that I look at photos and try desperately hard to remember the circumstance around it. I have even considered going to hypnotherapy to see if they can unlock those memories. Then I panic and think maybe there is a reason for all these gaps, maybe there is something dark lurking in there? I could really do with my mum right now as I'm having a horrendous time with my eldest and need support with my youngest. I need someone to tell me that it will be alright, that I am doing my best and that is OK. All of this makes me feel like a terrible mother; I look back at how I have brought him up and wonder where I have gone wrong when the youngest is pretty OK.

WIND

2011-03-28T20:28:00.002+01:00

Wind. By wind I mean farts, bottom burps, an air attack, a bum and flutter, a chunder, an SBD. I have a big list. The problem is this. I fart. Every morning soon after waking I fart. Very loudly. I can't help it. It's something I do. There is no smell but it is like a small bugle band in my own bedroom. I have done this for years. In fact I can't stop it. Or so I thought. Then I met Hot Date. Let's be serious here for one moment. Imagine the mood the morning after a night of passion or even the morning of passion. You cannot under any circumstances let rip with gusto. You cannot let rip at all. So what do you do? How do you hold farts in? I have no idea but I seem to have mastered the technique. All this without having to adopt a silly walk of clenched buttocks as I disappear out of the room backwards to a far away part of the house to let rip of a triple thunder flutter. At first it was only when he was here. Then it seemed to spread to every day of the week. I was silently triumphant. I had controlled my wayward wind bags. The morning bugle party is no more. Or so I thought. Given I knew that I could break the sound barrier I felt after some time that it would only be fair to forewarn poor Hot Date that Concorde indeed had not just flown past it was me, just in case the incident ever arose that I did just let one off accidentally.

(This is particularly true now as I am getting older and farts can just slip out without warning. So I thought being up front and honest about it would make it better. But no. He doesn't fart, ever, it would appear, particularly in front of the kids or anyone else for that matter. This comes a shock to me. My family was raised on good fart humour. My mother spent years tying to decipher what food made Grumps farts so bleedin' toxic - ice cream in case you are interested. My father used to do the most amazing SBD's and then refuse to wind the window down in the car. We even have a fart machine that my 5 year old nephew loves. To us there is nothing like a good fart followed by a good laugh. Whoopee Cushions are a must on everyone's Christmas list. Since Hot Date has revealed his non fart status my bowels have rebelled. Let me out, they seem to cry every morning. The bugles are back with a vengeance. I know any time soon that one day, early in the morning I will hear shrieking as he is blasted to the other side of the bedroom by my billowy bowels. Oh the shame.

An educated follow up

2011-03-24T12:58:00.006Z

My team were feeling about down they needed a bit of a larf. So following on from Taras latest Gallery theme an education I decided to show my team the photos, incuding the worst one I have ever had taken. This is a brave step as work and blog do not normally meet ever ever ever.

The comments were

OMG is that you - you look just like your son! - great I really want to look like a stubbly grunty 16 year old boy - photo 1

OMG you look just like your daughter - photos 2 - why thank you. Im happy to look like a stunning fresh faced nearly 15 year old

OMG that was before hair straightners and you can almost smell the rebellion - Photo 3 - er thanks I fink innit?

It started somethign and we've just had a good ol giggle at everyone else. Thanks tara what a great idea

An education

2011-03-23T19:26:00.004Z

Tara's theme of education filled me with dread. Not the dreaded school photos but I was at a loss of what else to do. Having just come back from She-ra's parents evening I can see that she fast heading towards the last photo. All eye liner, mussed up hair and oh yes a large soupçon of attitude. Anyway and hey ho you have primary school to first years at high school to well, yes can see the rebellion yet? ( I would also like to point out that I am being very brave putting the first photo on because that is also the WORST-HAIR-CUT-I-EVER-HAD-EVER. The hairdresser though I was a boy and made damn sure I looked like on by the end of it. Oh how I cried. ) Fortunately for me my scanner isn't working or I think I would have been compelled to put even more images on. I like to share don't you know. It's a good job I didn't have any of me in 6th form that would have been scary.

Hung out to dry

2011-03-20T09:05:00.005Z

Silent Sunday - I wish I'd found you sooner. First washing out on the line of the year

Too much information

2011-03-17T13:53:00.009Z

My Dahlink sister has tagged me in a 3 by 9 meme. How kind. She knows all of this already, she also knows I am compelled to share maybe a little too much information and then she asks me to partake in this. So I will show you mine, I will tag 3 others and they can show theirs too and so on.

Three names I go by: Mum, Bolly ( you'll have to work that one out ), Auntie

Three places I’ve lived: Yorkshire, South of France (but only for 6 months more's the pity ) and Edinburgh - och the noo!

Three places I’ve worked: For my self, for someone else in the family and a friend

Three things I love to watch: Top Gear, Waking the Dead, Graham Norton

Three places I have been & love:

Palma, sitting outside the modern art museum with my mates playing celebrity look-a-likee, or was that Monte Carlo. Ok make this any place that I have been with my mates and chilled over a long lunch.

A tiny wee village in Scotland home to my Scottish BFF - it rarely seems be sunny but is beautiful and the company more than makes up for the weather. This is in joint place with Budleigh Salterton just for the noise the pebbles make with the sea.

Callela Palafrugell - snorkelling for the first time with my kids. Crystal clear water, beautiful scenery. Take me back now

Three people that email me regularly: My Sister, Hot Date and Star pa

Three things I love to eat: Avocado, steakfrites ( see how clever I was in making that one item ,) cherries

Three people I think will respond: If you are tagged then it would be rude not to

Three things I am looking forward to: Holland in April, The Annual Egg Rolling Championships in April, and my Hot Date hot holiday in June.

I’d love to read a “three by nine” meme post by: Betty, Auntie Gwen, trish @ and mum'sgoneto, manana mama ,and libby. Apoligies if you have already been tagged but please do pass it on.

Love a good bit of wood

2011-03-16T19:30:00.006Z

Trees. Love 'em. When Tara announced this as her theme for The Gallery this week I knew I would have a wealth of photos to choose from. Luckily I already had some on my phone as the scanner isn't working as you could also have seen pictures of me as a tree aged about 16. I have never seen a tree look quite like I did. Think Liza Minelli Cabaret with a few shiny green leaves sown on. I think the teachers were just perving but hey ho. Love trees just love 'em - I am fully paid up member of tree hugging society. Even the Klimt pictures on my stair well are of trees.

I give you three recent images. The first reminds me of Lady Gaga's born to me video. The second and third happen to be the parks where I go dog walking and I love it there. Enjoy my trees.

Mrs Worthington's Mouthful

2011-03-13T14:20:00.003Z

A sandwich - that is all

6 million,1844,5000

2011-03-09T13:26:00.003Z

The Co-operative

Join the revolution

Get involved

Sponsored Post

Numbers numbers numbers. For most big organisations that is all we, its customers, are. In fact I think most customers feel just that; a number. The Cooperative Group has some impressive numbers. 6 millions members, 5000 outlets and founded in 1844 bu its Rochdale founding fathers. This actually tickles me because as a member of Yorkshire Mafia i am fiercely proud of my Yorkshire roots and have an in built dislike of anything from the other side ( of the Pennines that is .) I have in my minds eye a bunch of aged gentleman in smocks rolling the r's and talking about buuks ( books ) and "Luuk here don't tha thinks that its grand idea that we all become members of a group that looks after its members like" At which point they click their heels and tap their clogs. A massive generalisation I know but it works for me. It certainly worked for them because today the Cooperative group boasts a huge number of members and has services such as food, financial services, travel, pharmacy and funerals. I for one use their banking arm and never felt like a number. They are proud of their ethical stance and support of local community groups. In fact so proud they are launching a new TV campaign this week celebrating just that, the impact the co-opters had on the world and urging people to join them in continuing their revolution.

Here are a couple of schemes to inspire to get involved.

A sustainable, co-operative school inspiring young people

The Co-operative’s Green Schools initiative is the most wide-ranging sustainability programme in UK schools. From helping to organize walking buses, to providing visits to green energy sites, and to farms to see how food is grown, they can engage pupils with a broader spectrum of projects than any other UK business.

One school to benefit from this partnership with The Co-operative was Sir Thomas Boughey High School in Staffordshire. It was one of the first Co-operative Business Colleges in the UK and one of 185 schools they have helped to generate their own green electricity.

They helped the kids to get involved by becoming young co-operators, and funded a roof-mounted solar panel system. As a major sponsor, they also support the school, staff, parents and pupils, in all areas of the curriculum. Not bad eh? It's just thing my two would have loved when they were at Primary school, even if it was just the walking bus.

A young dancer with a new goal to pursue

The Co-operative StreetGames Young Volunteers is supported by The Co-operative to offer mentor training to young people. It provides sporting activities in communities where they may not have been available previously, and lets the volunteers explore new possibilities and gain new qualifications.

One such volunteer was Jamie, a teenager from Northumberland, who has used her love of dancing to map out her future career path. After becoming a StreetGames Volunteer, Jamie now teaches urban dance 5 times a week to younger children at her local dance academy – Factory Dance Academy.

Jamie’s expectations have been transformed. Instead of leaving school at 16 as she first intended, Jamie is about to start a BTEC in Dance, Health and Social Care and Business, with the aim of pursuing a career in community dance.

If you want to learn more and how you can get involved then take a look at The Co-operative Group "http://www.facebook.com/TheCooperative?v=info">Facebook pages or have a gander at their "http://www.co-operative.coop/join-the-revolution/get-involved">webpages</a> to see how you can get involved in creating your own Revolution. I think I will see if there is anyway that my son's local Rugby Club can benefit as it seems it all the criteria.

How to amuse oneself in A&E

2011-03-06T10:13:00.002Z

World Book Night Giver

2011-03-03T12:57:00.007Z

On 5th March I will be heading out in the dark with my 48 books * geez what was I thinking when I signed up for this. (I think I have some kind of disorder that makes me want to complete forms all the time, does it have a name this disorder like formaholic?) My title of which I have 48, yes 48, copies of to give away, having to choose from what was on offer there could only be one for me at the time. One Day by David Nicholls. A lovely story that made me want to cry at the end, so sad.

Firstly I have to collect the f*ckers I mean books. I had not thought this through logistically. 48 books are going to weigh a lot. I shall have to see if I can persuade He-man to give me a bit of his muscle. I predict a lot of eye rolling at this point. She-ra will want one but will probably never read it. I have actually forgotten who I said I wanted to give my books to - I think the hospice where mum died was one intended recipient. Each book has to be identified so its' journey can be tracked which I rather like the idea of. Who knows where it will end up? I always love the inscriptions in second books and now I'm taking part - kind of. No doubt I shall probably twitter my night should you wish to find out how I get on.

Brown Paper packages tied up with string

2011-02-26T10:35:00.015Z

There are some things in life that just do it for me. They don't cost the earth, more times than not they are even free. Warm sunshine in winter or early spring. The perfectly cooked steak Frites. The pop of a cork and the glug glug sound of a brilliant bottle of red. A phone call form someone you love. I give you simple pleasures.

Naturally family is a very simple pleasure when done right. the fact that I look rather bizarre in this pose is forgiven for the fact I have both my children with me and they are smiling and he-man isn't pulling a face.

The dog walk - What more can I say? She loves me and I love her. We see the first signs of the seasons changing together, she snuggles & nuzzles me. we have only just started walking together again after 3 long months due to stupid leg. I think she was delighted and extra bouncy that day.

My girl friends. Not that they are a simple but we do find laughter in the simplest of things. they are there for the good and the bad times. I am blessed.

The perfect fresh black coffee. Every day. Does nothing for your teeth mind.

Cigar smoking.The aroma, the size...* in a wee trance. I don't do it any more but so easily could, I really really could.

Perfectly ripe fruit or vegetables. The first of the season. I have to have asparagus or strawberries. Peaches and cherries being a big favourite. Life can be a bowl of cherries.

And sometimes you need batteries.

Bra Wars

2011-02-25T12:12:00.001Z

I needed new bras. Scrap that needed new lingerie. After all I have a Hot Date in my life and half the fun is in the unwrapping. He had even been sending me suggestions via email, with favourite being Ultimo. Sorry but I like to try before I buy and they only do mail order. I had to be in the right frame of mind to be constantly stripping off in garishly lit changing rooms getting the old baps out whilst trying to decide if it fitted or not. So despite the recent sudden dump of snow I was up for it, I was going to town, I was going to strip off innumerable times, I was going to bare all in front of madams who hoist you in and manoeuvre your bosoms about. All very very sexy.

First obstacle was the fact that my boobs have changed cup size again. I know you are supposed to get them measured every year but let's face it they're aren't that many of us who actually do that ( or do they?) I don't actually mind the measuring part it s the fact that my body seems determined to go through every bleedin letter of the alphabet when it comes to cup size. We are now out of Double D's and into E bah gum territory. Then of course each manufacturer sizes differently so you end up trying on a truck load.

So there I was in House of Fraser naked from the waist up trying on everything from Calvin to Elle. I think I tried on about 25 bras in total. When one of them attacked me - see the scars.

These were very painful. You see I am of the school who has to fasten at the front and pull round. I am not of the school who can be double jointed and have eyes in the back of their head and fasten behind their back. I think I might have to try that. I left House of Fraser with one solitary purchase of matching brief and bra feeling wounded and not at all sexy. I thought I'd give M&S a whirl for once but no joy there. I even traipsed into Ann Summers ( there will be another blog post about that one along very soon *ahem.) As I sat with my girlfriends sipping coffee for a Saturday afternoon catch up I thought there is nothing for it I am going to have to go to the local lingerie shop where I know I will get a wow bra all be it a bit pricey. I don't think I have been here since post divorce so call it three years. I knew I would be parting with about £40-£50 quid.

As I stood in the changing room trying on yet even more bras without a tape measure in site whilst being told about my wide breasts and deformed spine pushing them out, yes I felt like Quasimodo, I marvelled at this woman's expertise in bringing out the best in my bosoms in the most gorgeous bras ever. She was delighted I had entered her emporium looking for colourful and sexy bras as opposed to the usual black and white tee shirt bras. This woman could sell coals to Newcastle and ice to the Innuits. She is sat atop a gold mine with her till ringing out all day. I succumbed to a very sexy number with matching thong. A number that, apparently,has been flying out of the door and even women from France have been flying over to purchase because her prices are so competitive. However even I balked at the £150 price tag for a bra and tiny bit of lace knickers opting for the bra only. In fact I think I actually shrieked " how much?" when she told me the price. I might try and fashion something to match said boulder holder and see if I can pass it off as a £65 pair of knicks. I just wish I was one of those woman she kept telling me about who bought 3 or 4 sets at a time and had the budget to do. How much would you pay? I mean what is the average price of a bra? I have to confess though the £85 bra is a joy to wear and gives the confidence a boost nevermind the boobs.

Jive talking

2011-02-24T11:46:00.003Z

I was trawling through some images the other day when i came upon this little beauty. I know it's out of focus. I know we look truly ridiculous. I know I know. But this has to be the best fancy dress outfit I have ever donned.Those teeth were amazing. I think I might nip to the fancy dress shop and buy some more of the teeth whitener as it certainly works and is a fraction of the cost. Apparently we have now grown out of the fancy dress stage but I wouldn't mind hauling Barry, Robin and Maurice out of the bag one more time or maybe a little Lara Croft?

Express yourself

2011-02-23T08:59:00.011Z

Tara's Gallery challenge this week is expressions. I have a few rude ones I would like to consider but have instead opted for these. When ever there is a camera about He-man strikes a pose. Expressions, pah!

I particularly like the expression on Gman-s face of total disdain as this was attempt number 500 to try and get a great grandson/grandad shot

A&E

2011-02-21T13:08:00.002Z

We never have major accidents or health scares but we do have our fair share of mad dashes to A&E. I think out of all the OMG moments this one has to rank in the top 3 although we never made it to A&E.

He-man was using the bathroom *ahem. We had run out of wet wipes of the usual kind and a temporary tub in their place. The sort where you pull the tissue through a circle in the middle. That circle has a cross shape on it to allow tissue to come through,. You get the picture. I hear a yelp, then a bellow. "MUM!" My naked 14 year old son with a towel wrapped round his waist had somehow got his finger wedges in the centre. He has huge hands so how he managed to get a finger down there in the first place is beyond me.Well naturally I tried to help but this was very difficult. The finger was well and truly wedged in. I tried butter. I tried scissors. I tried pliers. None of them worked. It was the hardest plastic tub known to man kind. So I got out my scalpel and walked towards him. I think I may have had an evil grin.

"MUM!" he cried.

The finger was now quite swollen and beginning to turn blue.

There was nothing for it but to call in reinforcements. This was about 10 at night. Mate 1 & 2 arrived. I had forgotten that neither of them were really the best for medical emergencies yet here they were. One didn't do blood the other well just didn't. He-man was very embarrassed at his half naked state but the throbbing finger was now proving such a problem that this was quickly forgotten. As Mate 1 & 2 eventually decided on the scalpel option he had no other choice but to let them have a go. It didn't work. The pain was so much that after a frenzy using his left hand and all of his brute force to cut the plastic with a pair of pliers he released his now very swollen digit. All of this done in the bathroom in the shadow of a smelly poo.

My friends still cite this incident when we recall how they "don't do blood" & how well built my son was/is.

Mine always turn out like fanny's

2011-02-04T18:54:00.009Z

I look to cook. I hate cooking tea. They are two very different things. Having the time at the weekends to try something new is great fun. Trying to think of what to feed the hungry masses during the week is a nightmare. However - blatant plug coming up yet this isn't a sponsored post- Sainsbury's magazine has been my saviour of recent months

I have more recipe books than you could wave a flour shaker at. In fact I purposefully lost some in transit although I have kept firm hold of Fanny Cradocks' booklet - it would be rude not to hold onto Fanny.

So what have we had to titillate out taste buds of late.

Top of the list chili chicken. Served with home made garlic bread ( yes I've dusted down the bread maker ) plus saute potatoes and green salad leaves.

Or how about lamb biryani or beef goulash.

Do NOT however try the butternut squash stuffed with lamb. It is not often I do a meal that is not nice, that makes me want to push it round my plate like a sullen primary school kid, but that dish did. In fact thinking about it now makes me want to gip

the Baking Genius in our midst as done all sorts of wondrous things from amaretti chocolate thing to lemon muffin things

Fanny's husband was called Johnny. And do you know what he recommended that we all wished that ours ( meals that is ) turned out like Fanny's. Now don't you just wish you could have had a picture.

999

2011-02-04T13:29:00.004Z

I have realised I am into my 3rd year of blogging - well not quite but I did start in 2009. I have also realised that my output is a consistent 9 blogs per month, sometimes it less but never more. I am challenging myself to get it to 10 per month for 2011 or maybe that should be 11. I also thought I'd have a look at my web stats today. Haven't done that for months and months. I was pleasantly surprised. I looked at the key search words - OK Grannies wet gusset you know who you are - I hope you were intensely dissatisfied with what you found on my site. I had a look at the country map and was delighted to see my reach is spreading further afield, Hello Japan, New Zealand and Canada. As for returning visitors I am truly blessed that you like to come back and read the ramblings of someone who is clearly in the stages of "losing it" or so Hot Date keeps telling me anyway

Thank you all and I will try and up my efforts to increase my output even if its just wee bit.

Skanky Hair

2011-02-04T13:19:00.002Z

Hey do you ever suffer from skanky hair? Do you need to try and eek it out an extra day knowing its just a wee bit too greasy but do it anyway? Well you need dry shampoo. Just spray on and you'll never the difference. No shit Sherlock. Just don't do it in a rush or too close to your head or you too could look like Morticia Adams crossed with the Mallen Streak.

Please also be aware that when you do wash your hair that your colleagues think you have been to some expensive salon due to the massive transformation of skankiness to foxiness. Insulting really don't you think.

Y shape

2011-02-02T13:37:00.005Z

This is a Y shape for Tara's gallery. I regret I could not get any participants for the bollock shapes I had proposed to Tara earlier so this will have to do. (Although I was tempted to do a display of kiwi fruit.)

One teenager who, instead of asking " why?", assumed the shape of the said letter whilst on holiday ( some might call it that, I prefer week of hell) in Cornwall.

2 buttons, a haircut and a blow job

2011-01-28T17:28:00.012Z

This week it was my birthday. I don't do birthdays very well or maybe that should be bad things happen to me on my birthday.This can be anything minor bordering on the trivial eg bad hair day to major such as the black dog of despair pawing at your door. Either way something awful always happens on them so I have learnt to very low expectations. On the shopping for gifts front January is such a shite month, particularly by the time you get to the end of the month where the shops have come to the end of their sales and even Harvey Nichols as an aura of village hall jumble sale about it. The new season stock is coming in dribs and drabs and lets face it who wants to buy silky chiffon wisps of fabric when you have more layers on than a mille feuille. Going into the changing room when it takes you half an hour to take off what you already have on means that garment must be bloody worth it. And No, Mrs Shop Assistant, I haven't' even got the sodding jeans on yet.

A celebratory evening meal is always welcomed. Last year VGF@Work cooked a lovely Mexican meal for us all which was tarred only by the fact we were late due to He-man being mugged earlier that day and police interviews taken place. Some years a takeaway was all we could muster. This time I was treated to steak frites in little French bistro - yum, big fat glass of red wine double yum. She-ra baked one of her fab cakes - triple yum.

Giftwise my family and friends do me proud. Ex husband was terrible. In fact without wanting to sound ungrateful he was fecking terrible. I think the jar of glacé cherries and cd ( that he liked ) will never leave my memory. So it was with ghosts of partners past that I worried. OK only worried slightly-what would Hot Date would bring to the table? She-ra was on text message central offering tips etc from my scribbly list posted on the kitchen notice board in the vain hope that someone would indeed notice it. And noticed it was. I feel truly spoilt. I thinks someone must have been looking at a recent blog . All Jo Maloned up. Brownie points - Him - bucket loads. He's set the standard now which I will have to return

The title of this blog refers to what I actually did on the big day. Bought two shiny buttons for the jacket that seems to spends its life wishing them to jump off kamikaze style when I'm least expecting it. The hair cut was most needed and lovely to have. And the blow job? Hey you need a lot puff to blow as many candles as I have on my cake.

Film 2011

2011-01-28T09:51:00.004Z

We love the movies in our house. I have been brought up on old black and whites, art house, foreign you name it. I don't think a conversation can pass our lips without some kind of filmic reference comes into play.

I loved Film whatever year it was with Barry Norman, it was even better with Jonathan Ross as his love of film really came through. I quite like Claudia Winklewoman but on Film 2011 she annoys the feck out of me. No one can be that enthusiastic. Just shut up woman!

So far this month we have seen Harry Potter and the latest dirge part 1 - this was OK. we've spent many a movie afternoon watching these guys over the past few years. Seeing the main characters now was like watching your children grow up and go off into the world to fend for themselves. There were a couple of good wizardry bits but on the whole we came away feeling a bit deflated. Why couldn'tthey make it one long film instead. Ol' JK did not do the book in two parts.

Then it was the turn on 127 hours. Cinematography was brill. Some of those shots were truly inspiring. The acting was brill. Even though you knew what was coming it was still hiding behind the fingers moment and maybe even block your ears too. I won't give it away for those who have yet to see it. Lots of" eugh" moments. Can't believe that you manged to be captivated for so long by one actor in a confined space . Brilliant film.

And most recent, Black Swan. Cant decide if it's a bit Emperors new clothes or if it is really good. As I need a guide for the simplest of plots ( James Bond is about my level - just ) this really confused me. We all loved the metamorphosis into the Black Swan. There was way too much sex in it for a 15 certificate for my liking. It was like having to watch The Misfits extended version re the sex with She-ra next to me hiding under her scarf at the oral bits whilst grandad's eye were on stalks loving every minute of the girl on girl action.

Next on my list The Fighter - I mean c'mon, have you see Mark Wahlbergs guns?

Children grow into teens, be warned!

2011-01-24T21:43:00.010Z

The Gallery theme this week is children; Mine are no longer Children but teens. Tara, make the most of it, mine were cute once.

The year was 1995

A family holiday in South of France for 14 of us. Yes 14. It was great holiday.

The kids were happy with a stint on the beach, being buried in sand, ice creams, and jumping into the pool in inflatable heaven. They went to bed at early hour and we could relax.

When I look at this photo I want to turn back the clock.

Instead I have this to contend with.

Skanky Hair

2011-01-23T01:05:00.006Z

A day in the life of a working stressed mother & lover ( that'll be me )

2011-01-23T00:24:00.010Z

Today is the first day of the weekend. I have a house full. It has been a stressful week. Last night I went out with old friends, the night before I had my own adult sleepover. Therefore I AM KNACKERED! I have to do lists at the weekend not because I am anal but because I have the worst memory ever.

So casting my eye over my mental list the day looked something like this.

Have a bit if lie in - say 9am
A bit of blogging drop by as have been very busy of late with a huge cup of freshly brewed cwaffee
Clean bathroom ( rather not )
Fix car indicator ( oh cock )
Go swimming ( looking forward to it )
Make pizza dough for tea later
leg exercises a plenty
cinema

You know that my day did not pan out like that at all for starters try....

woken at 7am by wrinklies
unexpected phone call from Scottish BFF for nearly an hour - this was lovely but also made me want to drive straight up to Bonny Scotland and give her a big hug. It will be alright.
dog comes back from walk with G-man having rolled in a large amount of fox poo. Wash dog immediately in nearest thing to hand, Head & Shoulders. She hates every minute of it and manges to make all her body go very floppy so its impossible to wash her.
now I really do have to clean the bathroom all three of them, including He-mans (ew )
try to coordinate the wishes of 5 people all wanting to do different things all at that same time. Just as you get it sorted G-man changes his mind
go lie down and rest leg and previous point was driving me nuts.
schedule in a quick visit to school uniform shop in dodgy part of town for 2 new school blouses that are made out of the worst fabric ever. All for the princely sum of £21 quid. Toilet roll is more robust than these school shirts.
collect all the dog poo off the back lawn. I reckon about 2kg? How come so much shit comes out of such a small dog.
managed to get my hand into the back of headlights but couldn't fathom how to fix indicator. However the prodding and poking must have worked as it is now working again. Glad I'm not a gynaecologist and this exercise places yet another black mark against the car that is known as the she devil or Renault Megane. Never has a car had so many design faults....* commence chuntering
Realise the swimming will have to go by wayside. Damn now have mega skanky hair #skankysaturday rolls on
Spent lovely time with step mum in town with She-ra in tow.
Was shocked at how many men's heads She-ra turned. Some one get me a burka please!
A trip to Sainsbury's for the pizza toppings. When will I learn to cook something with ingredients I actually have in the house?
Hurtle out of the house to get to the cinema in time, forgetting Black Swan is a 15 and trying to save money on entrance fee announced she was 14.
Had to go to another cinema- caused chaos a ticket machine, booked practically the front row of cinema. Didn't realise Black Swan had so much sex in it. First time G-man has ever stayed awake whilst at the movies particularly at the girl on girl bit, then he had a big grin on his face.
Bloody leg kills
Bed with a smile as have managed to get the buy in of different people to allow me to have the best ever treat in a few months.
Grinning ear to ear

You will notice there is not much "lover" in this post despite its title. Well c'mon something had to give. A few texts were all I could manage today.

I want one of those!

2011-01-14T12:43:00.007Z

Whilst I admit that the offerings I am most likely to receive are in my earlier post and I have even been approached to participate in a Channel 4 Documentary about parenting and teens. (Sorry but no thanks.) However if pr agencies/product launchers should wonder what I would perhaps promote selflessly here goes

Any new fragrance launch by Jo Malone or Tom Ford
Product tester for Christian Louboutin ( or Le -boob-itin as we call him round ours )
Heated rollers - I am addicted to mine but they're not brilliant
Hair products in general
Rigby & Peller or Agent Provocateur - Real women in real lingerie not stick thins please
All of Jet2.com flight routes as a girlie weekend destinations
Luxury self catering accommodation at said destination
Destination restaurants - see point 6 & 7
Review of comedy gigs for our leading lights particularly if performing at Edinburgh Festival
Cars - ones that go forwards and backwards and engines that don't fall out of them
Family holidays for teenagers who don't want to be within 50 yards of you never mind sat on a plane or in a tent
Film premieres - we love the movies in our house and much of our conversations are laced with filmic references much to the horror of Hot Date " you had me at hello " see what I mean
A love nest for me and Hot Date - I would really promote this above and beyond anything else ever in the whole wide world
Mystery shopping selected gym and spas
Breakfast foods in particular cereal of vast teenage boys size quantities
Baking products. I am currently have to buy in bulk to sate the She-ra baking bug. 5kg bags of icing sugar I kid you not and super duper non stick baking tins of assorted shapes. Eat Me - has a lot to answer for.
Clothes - I look in good clothes. They hide the otherwise not so good out of clothes body that hangs off my bones. Preferably tailored, my own tailor who never reveals my measurements
Mortgages - ones that seem to quadruple what you pay in and miraculously pay it all off in a fraction of the time.
Cleaning companies - yes you can come and clean my house and I'll review it with my white cotton glove
Superdry, Jack Wills, Lacoste & Joules. I think these products need testing on real kids in a real home with real washing machines - don't you?

I think I need to stop there as I can feel my list getting out of control. But if you know of anyone who might just be a wee bit interested in a slightly mad reviewer let them know

FREEBIES

2011-01-07T18:52:00.006Z

I am sometimes just a little bit envious of my the gifts that are bestowed on my sister and her blogger mates in the name of PR. I have had a couple of sponsored posts but nothing like the gifts that fall on my sisters shoulders. I am not green eyed with jealousy at the holidays or the kitchen gadgets, the books or the White company bathrobe ( ok maybe slightly at that one ) But lets face it PR agencies reading my blogs are most likely to offer me the following:

Gin or failing that Red wine. I can review that expertleee *hic
Self help books on looking after teenagers
Reviewing camp sites around the UK
Girlie weekends away on the continent
Shoes shoes and more shoes. Heels mainly flats rarely,
Sex including toys and their application rating out of 10
Care for the elderly - see G-man
Poor man's guide to securing a divorce

This list makes me sounds like a hooker from Holland. Maybe they could send me to Amsterdam to try out a window.

My name is Mrs Worthington and I am a crap parent

2011-01-07T12:58:00.002Z

There are some days when I am truly embarrassed to call myself a mother. I'm no good at tough love and cave very easily. My kids are now 14 and 16 and I have failed as a parent and of course now it is too late. So please come and join my crap-parent-aholics group if you find yourself doing any of the following.

There are days when I am shouty mum for absolutely no other reason that I am. I hate myself for it and I act in a wholly unreasonable way and either hope it gets out of my system or that I don't do anything stupid.

I am inconsistent - see above. This morning shouty, this afternoon loving, who knows what the evening will bring?

I have been drunk in front my kids more times than I care to mention. Well more tipsy than drunk but definitely under influence. Most recently on Christmas day when I tried to fix my sisters curtain track whilst balancing in high heels on the back of a sofa before I went flying backwards through the air.

I don't spend enough time with my son. Or this could be my daughter. Mainly my son though. It's hard trying to fit one on one time when neither of us like each other much and one of spends most of their time in bed.

I have spent so much of my life putting them first that's its been bordering on the unhealthy, particularly since the departure of Mr Ex. Now it's my turn it's a bit of a shock to the system.

I can't be arsed with asking/nagging them to do jobs round the house. It's all the arguments that follows. Maybe its just their age but they never do things in the time frame that you want it doing in. If the dog is walked, the dishes cleaned and put away and the ironing mountain under control then I'm happy. G-man ( Grandad ) thinks otherwise and regularly has a go. This turns me into shouty mum. see point 1

I feel like I've let them grow up too quickly and my daughter seems to have gone from 11 to 20 in a very short space of time. She's 14 and is all knowing and far too wise for her age. She looks after me. I think its supposed to be the other way round.

I have to make a real effort to sit out and do nothing with them ie watch tv during the day. It seems such a waste.

I watch Misfits/The Inbetweeners and Skins with them. Cringing behind cushions all the time. She-ra is made to sit behind the cushions too when anything rude comes on the screen so all she hears is the sound effects. Maybe thats worse? She probably watches on demand anyway and just humours me, especially when i give the accompanying commentary about S E X. These are not family viewing programmes.

I struggle to keep a track of school life. Letters rarely make it home and I find homework difficult to understand. Why can't they teach old school like? *wails

If you feel that you share any of these traits then maybe we should form an official society or something. You could get a certificate in the post and be invited for Gin & Tonic evenings on a school night.

Looking Back ( over my shoulder )

2011-01-02T23:49:00.002Z

Can't say "looking back" without launching into the song by Paul Carrack, Mike & The Mechanics, and actually looking over my shoulder. Sad but true. And if my old usherette mate is reading this I bet she does this too. So it is traditional that at this time of year you look back at the year you had and maybe think about what the next one will bring you. I've had a mixed year but I would rather focus on the positives rather than the utter shite that has taken place, much of it in the last 2 months.
In no particular order

We moved house to our lovely new family home. Filled with sunshine and laughter. It's mine all mine ( well and the kids and the dog )
I went to Barcelona with work and had an absolute ball. Sides ached with laughing, and in the name of work too. Normally you are lucky if go more than a 100 mile radius away.
Saw She-ra confidence grow in buckets. She's a much happier person than this time last year
He-man got through his gcse's and even managed to pass some of them
My sister moved house too and its absolutely fab
Brother in law has work coming out of his ears
I got really into my running and could do a 10k in less than an hour - hurrah, It's good for me anyway, have you seen the size of my thighs?!
We are no longer camping virgins but might call for an annulment
I realised there was more to life than Inspector Frost and a cold flat and moved on
There is a lot more laughter in my life these days, mainly due to Hot Date, just hope it lasts.

The thing is I can't help measure this list by the fact that nearly all of these blessings are as a result of overcoming the after effects of my ex. He casts a shadow over every day of my life and right this moment that shadow has gripped my son who is in a very dark place. What an utter bastard who could do something so utterly awful and not face the consequences. It was with these thoughts in my head that I couldn't face New Years Eve partying and felt thoroughly miserable. But the sun rose on a new day and in the words of the Buttercup syrup Capercaillie "I feel better now!"<

Panting update

2010-12-30T14:22:00.004Z

Back In August I wrote my Panting blog. Here I am a few months later and still panting. Still the same Hot Date, still the same wobbly quivering legs, still the same laughter. My heart melts every time I see or speak to him and I love every minute we are together. We've managed just 2 days away recently shacked up in a blustery seaside town in a lovely apartment owned by really good friends. Quivery legs a plenty, even the dodgy one, and lots and lots of talking, falling asleep and fun. Oh yes and the Other stuff too.

So there I am, one weekend, in my wee after glow after Hot Date had departed. In one of my most embarrassing moments to date She-ra sidled up to me wrap her arms around me and said " Next time mum, keep the noise down"

Groundhog Day

2010-12-30T13:59:00.007Z

I'm sparing a thought for Dog, after all it's her Christmas too. Every morning I am greeted with the same routine from our wee black dog. Or as the letter writing neighbour called her, a fierce and vicious beast. Firstly she has crept upstairs to the landing where she waits with anticipation of hearing you stir. This is followed by what we call helicopter ears as she shakes her head, several times. Who needs an alarm clock? If she is worried about you or she knows that they are ill she will sleep outside that persons door. Its quite touching really. Once she has roused you enough to get up she will pretend she has just come up the stairs and you are greeted with this scenario. ( apologies of blurred but she doesn't keep still)

Mad dog, a toy ( if she can find one as she tends to take them outside and forget to bring them back in again ) and a wagging tail that by rights should have her in flight. If she could combine the helicopter flapping ears and tail wagging we would have lift off. She then charges round as if she is about to go on the longest walk ever only to be let out into the back garden. she will then charge back in as if she is about to go on longest walk ever only to find I have sloped off to the bathroom leaving her looking forlorn at the bottom of the stairs. And she does this every morning without fail. That really is looking on the bright side in action.

I swear to god that dog knows what activity I am doing according to the clothes I wear. Her most recent observation was that on return home without the infamous pot leg she assumed the stance of " and now are we going on the longest dog walk ever? purlease?"

I think her best Christmas present was not the red ball on a string toy but the fact that every morning my Dad gets up and takes to the park. He reckons he hates dog, but you know what, she loves him.

How Not To Buy a Christmas Tree

2010-12-14T20:23:00.007Z

If you do not like foul language I suggest you look away now. This is my guide on how NOT to buy a tree.

Firstly do not leave the buying of said tree until late Sunday afternoon when the rest of the world and his wife have spent the entire weekend buying up all the good ones
If you fail to get tree on the Saturday morning first thing then leave till during the week when said vendors have received another delivery unless you like the ugly trees
Ideally take someone with you to carry said tree to your car otherwise much fluttering of eye lashes will have to occur as you try to go solo and get the bastard spiny thing into the car. Some people see the tree buying thing a some lovely family tradition and pity those who go and buy it on their own. I have been buying our tree on my own for years and would gladly hand over that mantle of responsibility to someone else. Any takers? No I thought not.
Ask the nice tree vendor if it comes with a base. THIS IS ABSO_FUCKING_LUTELY essential. In case you don't realise how essential this is I will repeat myself for the stupid ( ie me who do this every frigging year ) "Does it come with a base?" THIS IS ABSO_FUCKING_LUTELY
If, for whatever reason, it does not -walk away now! Go buy a tree where it does come with base and maybe they'll give you a sprig of mistletoe as a kind gesture. So walk away unless you want to do the following.
Hoick tree home with poor visibility out rear view mirror.
Wrestle said tree out of car. It is also not a good idea to do this in the dark and cold. Daylight really can help here.
Get your Christmas tree base that you bought years ago for occasions like these which you swore you would never use again but have, until the next few moments, completely forgotten why you said you would never use it again.
With the aid of one teenager manoeuvre the tree stump it base. Ah, it doesn't fit. Ever so slightly too wide to for the 3" base. No problem we'll shave a bit off it to make it fit. Can't be difficult.
Find an axe, a sharp one preferably. Mine was recently sharpened by Hot Date. He did a good job but alas it was too far gone in the state of bluntness.
If axe fails try a saw. Nope the saw is no good either.
Aha I spy my neighbour maybe he'll take pity and help. And so he did. Much axe wielding and grunting ( what is it about men and axes? ) also nearly a pair of expensive shoes ruined.
Position tree into stand and hurrah it fits! Only... only.. the bastard tree has clearly been drinking my spiced apple cup as it cannae stand up straight. Exit said neighbour at rapid rate.
She-ra, or any teenage helper will do, will then point out that it's not the trees fault but the base. The base is the bad guy here. Let's go buy another base. Hurrah She-ra does it again, she of the common sense I am so clearly lacking. We hurtle to our nearest Homebase. We purchase a new style of base that could not fail ( so the shop assistant said) and hurtle back home.
We manage with much manoeuvring to finally get the base into position. and we leave it to relax, to decorate the next day.
Next evening the damn tree has been at the bleeding spice apple cup again and is propping itself up in the corner of the room. Has it no shame?
Emergency phone call to Pops - him "Oh hello haven't heard from you in a while" me " Can you come and help me sort out my FUCKING tree before I chop it up into little pieces for firewood" I secretly hope that it has heard that last bit and is now standing to attention through sheer fear.
Pops arrives. He too can't master the new bastard stand. He manages a quick and cost free solution. One big bucket. Lots of lumps of firewood to hold it into position. Then he places it onto a table to raise it off the ground because the green grocer clearly doesn't know his feet from his cm. If our tree is 5' then I'm 6'2"
I give you our Christmas tree. I feel better now.

The 14th Meeting of the Annual Wreath Making Society

2010-12-14T20:03:00.011Z

Looking at the title of this blog it reminds me of book titles that have become the fashion of late.

The Guernsey Literary And Potato Peel Pie Society springs to mind. Maybe I could use the 14 years to mark out landmark occasions in our lives. Actually maybe not.

So here we were all were but the numbers were down this year. One was packing for her Christmas family jolly to Barbados. I know Barbados! Another was on a train. Another was felled by a sickness bug about which she felt compelled to share the details. And the other had a sick child who despite being 16 still wants their mum. So we four gathered round the spiced apple cup.

Recipe

1x 2 litre bottle of cider

200g dark brown sugar

2 mulled tea bag things I found in my cupboard

1 tsp of cinnamon powder I should have mixed with the sugar but didn't so it floated like scum on the top of the pan

handful of crushed all spice berries - remember not to let the pestle or is it mortar roll on to the floor and smash into smithereens like I did

a splash or two of brandy

heat up and serve.

You know what, it was bloody delicious. We also had mince pies at the ready and oven warmed but we became so engrossed in our craft that we forgot about said mince pies.

To execute the best wreath making evening you really should have your Spotify music play list at the ready as I did. So we had ol' Dean martin blasting out Let it snow let it snow let it snow with a bit of Nut cracker for good measure and a sprinkling of the Pogues and dash of Mariah. You should also supply lots of wires, wire cutters and pliers of various sizes. the laughs come thick and fast, the wreaths are made and the gossip running through like river. Who's doing what for Christmas etc. I now give you wreath makers and their offering. If you look very closely at one you can see that the minute said friend left the room we covered her effort with fabric, sprouts and even a toy soldier.

I am very disappointed in mine this year. I think the tree wrestling stole my creative chutzpah and the red chilli pepper and sprout confection I had envisaged in my head failed to materialise and will be confided to the front door that no one uses. Fortunately I have my old monkey nut wreath to fall back on which will be given a new lease of life with a fresh ribbon to hang in pride of place. I rue the day I didn't take a photo of my silver chocolate coin wreath as it was my piece de resistance and I have never managed to better it yet. Ah well for your eyes only I give you wreaths.

Sparkly pants

2010-12-14T19:50:00.006Z

The Gallery challenge is Sparkle. I don't feel particularly sparkly at the moment having spent the last two days wrestling with a reluctant Christmas tree. The title is also misleading as there are no sparkly pants in this photo although there is some tinsel sulking in the background

( I don't like tinsel.) However maybe you be amazed at the sparkle we show when it comes to inventing games.( I know I know it's a very tenuous link ) This one was simple. Each guest had to bring several pieces of clothing which was thrown into a bin liner. We then played a board game. Every time you got something wrong you had to put on an item of clothing. eh voilà. I think we actually all wet ourselves laughing. Please do not report the man in the middle, he really is normal. (left to right Laura, Pops, me)

RKJ7JXQMYHCM

What's your favourite foodie bit of the Christmas dinner?

2010-12-14T11:58:00.006Z

Bear with me, I am genuinely interested in what you love about the Christmas spread. I've event left an "other"category and am really interested in what you are going to say there.

Go to http://twtpoll.com/4lakr0 and getting voting

This is not a sponsored post but the inner geek in me just popping out to say hello. Please say hello back.

Coming this week: Sparkly - I really must do an entry for Tara's Gallery, The 14th Annual Christmas Wreath Making Society, How not buy a Christmas Tree

The letter I should have written

2010-12-10T17:10:00.004Z

On a recent trip to the library I picked up a booklet about letters I should have written. Oh my god they were so moving. And it got me to wondering who would Iwrite to. At first I thought of the obvious like my mum to tell her about her grandchildren that she never saw, or my ex husband just so he might know what a total bastard he is. Or what about the job offer I turned down for the one I am now in. Or to the barking mad grandmother who died earlier this year estranged from her family for nearly a decade. Or to the friends who helped me so much over the past couple of years and to whom I will never ever be able to repay all their kindnesses. I thought I'd write this one instead..

Context
Me, aged 18 ventured off to France to be an au pair. I hated every minute of it as I'd been placed with the family from hell and wished I had had the courage to leave and follow my heart. Instead I stayed put for 6 miserable months and on return met Mr ex within a week. Whilst I was away my mum had become ill and was being fobbed off by her GP. She later turned out to have agressive throat cancer and died a year later. She was in the process of buying a village shop.

Dear Mum

First can you let Dad read this when he comes round as I can't afford the postage and have run out of paper.
Second you've probably guessed from our phonecalls that I'm really unhappy here. The details were so misleading. The child I'm looking after is not 18m old but 3.5 and still in nappies! Nor is she an only child but has a 17 year old sister who is at boarding school during the week. She is very SPOILT too ! The mother is nice enough but starts drinking each day earlier than the next, at the moment we are at about 1030am. If I get chased round the table by one of their randy male friends again I think I will scream. So I have decided to move on and leave. The whole point was for me to learn French and have decided I need to be in a city rather than the sticks. I'm not allowed out even on my day off and am stuck in the middle of nowhere. I contacted the agency who placed me here and they have found me a new position in Nice further up the coast. I start next week so will be leaving here soon. I'll ring you with the address when I leave here. In the meantime please go back to the doctors about the lump in your mouth, that doesn't sound like a cold sore to me. Give my sister a big hug and I'll be helping you in the new shop before you know it.
Au revoir

As pure as the driven snow, my arse

2010-12-08T08:57:00.004Z

For Tara's gallery this week with its theme of white there could be only 1 of 2 pics.

Either me and my mates dressed the BeeGees complete with glow in the dark teeth, but I couldn't find the pic. Or my snow woman. Well built circa 1990's. No further description necessary

Simple pleasures

2010-12-06T22:34:00.007Z

This weekend has been of simple pleasures

Friday night - I stayed home whilst Hot Date went out on a works do. All very domesticated. Slippers and hot water bottle for me that night * cough.
Saturday - I was escorted round supermarkets, a little bit of christmas shopping by my carer/hot date as I staggered behind walking like a demented penguin. Going bowling was probably not a good idea in the evening but it was enjoyable none the less and She-ra perked up and got a few strikes in.
Sunday - I waved good bye to Hot date in the morning and pottered at my own slow pace, made a hot water bottle cover out of an old jumper marvelled at my blanket stitch and gusset before making even more felted christmas pud tree decorations after swearing never again. I'm not sure what happened to the rest of the weekend. It blurred in to a lovely joint of ham cooked more for the left overs of ham egg and chips than the main meal, a glass of wine and being absolutely exhausted come 8pm

Not exciting but simple and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Mr Angry

2010-12-02T16:09:00.002Z

I arrived home this week to find a hand delivered letter shoved through the door with what I can only desscribe as old peoples wobbly writing on it. Oh no I thought what's going on here? I immediately thought of He-mans drum and bass music throbbing at full pelt when I'm out has finally made someone snap. Well it did with She-ra.

I read said letter. The beast of a dog had been barking in our back garden and it had enraged our behind neighbour so much that despite being very ill they felt compelled to come round to my house and confront the viscious dog themselves.

I would go round to their house but my wobbly pot encased leg and very bad weather wont let me. I think I might do what Grandad suggested and send She-ra round in her greens ( cadet uniform to th uninformed ) with a sauecpan.
Barking dog my arse! Barking mad neighbour more like.

What is community?

2010-11-29T22:18:00.001Z

The Cooperative Membership Fund

Sponsored Post

Community spirit - do you have it? The Cooperative Community Fund certainly does - in spades. When I got the email to ask me to write about this I didn't really have to think twice. I already bank with The Cooperative - a bank with a conscience, and we shop there regularly. It really is a society that gives something back big style to your local community. However I hadn't quite appreciated just how much they give back to society and the diverse range of projects they support. And all of this is funded through those members who chose to tick the box that says pays my dividend into community projects rather than pocket the money themselves. Bravo I say. After all would you really miss the dividend anyway?

So what qualifies as a community project? Does this mean that you have to have charitable status? Apparently not. However it must carry out positive work on a long term basis, it should address a community issue, be of a long term benefit and address the Coopeartive Community Fund principles and values as well as being innovative in its approach.

Having had gander at the other offerings in my areas I'm wondering whether to propose my sons's local rugby club. It is one of the few clubs that operate a scheme to reach out into the community and get children from less well off areas to get involved, It is the most ethnically diverse club in the area and has representation at every age group. However it is in competition with other more successful clubs in the area who have swanky club houses and excellent facilities whereas our club is sadly lacking here. I think I will have to pass this on to our chairman and see if he can make a successful application.

See a pic of Ann Hayes and her project

I've been toying with the idea of becoming a member and I think this might have just swung it for me with my share of the pie going to other worthwhile causes. Clearly if they have an action group that supports scrummy mummies * cough, who are laid up with a pot leg and cant drive all the better. So what are you waiting for? It's a good time of year to be thinking about community and what we can all do to help.

Gilf, Pot and John Lewis

2010-11-26T09:08:00.008Z

In the cosmic karma of balancing scales mine are definitely weighted against me the moment. This is not fair. This is not fair for a number reasons not least that people who know me unanimously agree that my time for "shit happens" has happened. My shit was so big that it would have blocked the U bend of cosmic karma. There was really no worse a time and things could and should only get better.Its time to move on and up. In the grand scheme of things a couple of of recent events are just testing or inconvenient such as car breaking down and having no transport for a week coupled with a melt down of home pc. However there is one issue that I can't talk about regarding my lovely boy and then there is my friggin leg.

I am sat in my kitchen as I write when really I should be at work. I have a smelly pair of mismatching pjs on and my John Lewis thick dressing gown which was once lovely and is now covered in hair dye disasters. There is a cup of strong fresh coffee, the radio is on and the dog sat on her bed giving me the evil eye as she is afraid of the kitchen ( weird ) but hey it is the warmest room in the house. It's minus 4 out there don't you know. On my leg I have one slipper. These slippers were a a very thoughtful gift from She-ra last Christmas. She did her research and knew I needed something warm and that I could nip outside in. Eh voila the granny slipper. I was hoping for a black peep toe mule with feathers and a heel. Hot date took one look at them and murmured granny or it might have been gilf. On the other foot I have a pot. I have never had a pot before. I have never broken anything and nor have I now. It's just tendonitis. Just makes it sound like it does hurt, believe me it does hurt, in fact is glowing red and throbbing so much I believe I have been added to the hazardous lights list for incoming flights. I have this delightful accompaniment for the next 2 weeks. I can't drive, really should be resting it and n0t doing much walking at all. Sorry dog you can get fat with me. I can't run for at least 6 weeks so that's Santa Dash out of the window. ( Yes I dress up as Santa and run around a park for 5k in the name of charidee) See I do nice things for other people so that's another reason why shit shouldn't happen to nice people.

My greatest challenge is yet to come. Before my Hot Date tonight I somehow how to work out how to have a bath without getting my leg wet. I own big bath and slip down in it. If you hear a gurgling its me drowning. There is urgent hair removal and general tidy up required. This Friday is an important one it has been in the diary for a while. This is the day that Hot Date meets the sister and bro-in-law. This is big. Bigger than meet the parents. (To be fair he has met Bro-in-law briefly and Step dad.) This was going to be a boozy night of pub after pub in the name of getting to know you. Instead I think I might just manage one bar as long as I can have a seat and absolutely no one comes within a 10m radius of my leg. Actually this is not the biggest challenge, the biggest challenge is in fact how do you get your leg over when you cant even lift it off the floor. I'll pass on any useful tips later.

2010-11-22T22:24:00.002Z

My life is a roller coaster. I know that but right now it is a bit too much of a one and not much fun at all, save for Hot Date ( and slightly worried the scary shenanigans of my crazy family will scare him off .) So apologies if it's all a bit quiet here at the moment but I need to get my head together and get a grip.

Hopefully everything will be back to normal service soon

So I took my knickers off

2010-11-11T18:27:00.005Z

Today was ONE OF THOSE DAYS!. I knew it was going to be ONE OF THOSE DAYS because I woke up inexplicably early due to the lashing of the rain and the howling wind against my window. Waking up early in itself was bad enough as I have been out on two consecutive school nights each one making bed time much later than the first. Total sleep over last three days 18 hours against my normal ration of 24hours.

The weather was so horrendous I welched on taking the poor wee dog out. She felt hard done by. I had buyers up from the Londinium and we were going to be dashing from building to building dodging rain and flying rubbish whilst I tried to make small talk with people I had prejudged as being nothing more than tedious even though I had yet to meet them. Plus I had been invited to lunch to make the experience even more prolonged.

On the way to work the bastard of a car made horrendous noises that resulted in The AA man scratching his head and towing it off to my garage whilst I was left to get to work on the BUS! I had to sit next two very smelly people who needed to be introduced to Mr Soap and Mrs Deodorant. My feckin umbrella decided to play inside-outside-guess- which-way-I-am-gonna- blow as I walked against the wind to get to work. ( OK I know I am coming across as Mrs Princess Pants but like I said it was ONE OF THOSE DAYS. Besisdes if the great unwashed had not chosen to sit next to me it would have been a perfectly fine bus ride. )

I have now had to get one of my colleagues to meet the buyers whilst I tired to tame the hair and get warm. It was whilst in the toilet cubicle that I realised I had my knickers on inside out. This was clearly a sign. A sign that my day was indeed inside out and that if I continued to wear said under garments then the rest of my day would indeed be PANTS!

So I did what any sane slightly superstitious person would do and took them off and righted the wrongly put on under garments. It was a that point that I looked down at my semi naked body, bush, pop socks and saucy red shoes and thought what the feck I am doing? However needless to say the buyers were absolutely lovely, lunch at Harvey Nicks was divine and having no car meant I was free to join them in afternoon of Chablis and fine banter.

I have no idea what the hell is wrong with my car. I have just opened a parking fine notice for a parking fine that I never received. So what other bloody clothing item do I have on the wrong way round?

Cliff Richard, bad sex and ebay

2010-11-08T13:06:00.006Z

I would rather stick pins in my eye than do any of the following:

Put things on to ebay. I hate it with a passion. It is penury. All that finding the stuff, weighing up if you need it or not, photographing, writing the description etc etc. Then there is the actual selling itself. The inane questions. The winner bidder who never actually pays you. Then slags you off for selling your product to someone else. *cough tosser
Mop up sick. I don't do bodily fluids very well. Having written this sentance I can already predict that within the next few days either the dog( particularly grusome ) or one of the kids will be sick.
Go to Primark. I just can't see the bargains, I can't feel the quality and I actually have Primarkology, a phobia of going in. I have only managed to go in a couple of times which was very early in the morning and was something akin to a trolley dash as my sister and Iran through grabbing stuff for Christmas presents for our teenage concerns. I absolutely hate it with a passion. In fact any where that doesn't have a rack of clothes specifically for me in my size only, my favoruite colour and suits me to a tee I don't really like.
Managing your finances. I collect the recipts and once a month I will reconcile everything then shred it. That's the theory anyway. It depresses that there is not more dosh to go around and I find the whole thing tedious. No matter how careful I budget there is never enough money left over to buy me that holiday, piece of jewellry, the saucy underwear or the Kurt Geiger boots I long for. I need to find either a big wodge of money stuffed that slipped down the sofa, win the lottery and fast or a rich man.
Speaking with school. After years of He-man being the trail blazer at school I dread the phone call. It brings me out in hives. I must remember it is not I who has committed the crime and equally not all news is bad news Note to self do not look so shocked when he gets paid a compliment, in which case it is very much down to me
Package holidays. I am not one of the pack, I sit outside of the herd and I don't like people telling me what to do especially on holiday. I have haven't been one since I departed from Glasgow airport some 20+ years ago with a a plane load of drunkards who then set fire to the coach transporting us to our Turkish resort at 3am.
Rudeness. Closely followed by pettiness. It doesn't pay to be either of those things and you get so much more back when you are nice. Smiling is much more fun and laughing burns up more calories than frowning. Go on crack a smile now.
Housework - it does seem to be woman's work but I'm trying to set a good example by getting He-man to do his fair share. He has already learnt to hate ironing, they both fight over the hoovering if it is offered as a choice against any other duty and they both think emptying the dishwasher is a major chore. I just wish they knew how to fill the damn thing and that things do not mysteriously jump in there. And if they did the Pucking potato ricer would fit in just fine. I yearn for the days when I used to have a cleaner.
Cliff Richard - dont ask, he brings me out in hives and I will leap across a room to turn off a tv or radio with him on it.
Be left wondering. I like to know where I stand. I think Hot date understands this. Ole Twinkly eyes didn't. That goes for work too - please don't play games. I hate office politics just tell me how it is and we'll go from there.
calendars - I would rather choose my own, my kids don't like them and certainly don't want 2 or 3 if not more. Please leave these off the Christmas list
Bad sex - rather go with out. Fortunately I don't appear to be having that problem at the moment.
I could also live with out beetroot, fish, pastis, Eastenders, Kate Humble, a few people at work..

So if you spot a puke covered Cliff Richard calendar on ebay then I have probably put it on there.

Spare Ribs

2010-11-07T16:51:00.003Z

Picture the scene: I am 2 hours away from home driving in rush hour traffic with other people in the car. It is nose to tail traffic, in a city I don't know. it's dark. The mobile goes several times and ignore it. I'm driving after all. however this caller was persistent.

She-ra - sounding worried: I've had to go for a walk to calm down
Me, not really listening - what's happened?
She-ra: well he wouldn't turn his music down...And I asked him, so then I....(voice trailing off )
Me, listening a bit more - what's happened? Are you still out?
She-ra; well I did ask him and I didn't mean too but I just lost it.
Me, thinking oh shit.:What's happened?
She-ra :I threw a pan at him but I think I missed.

At this point I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. If she had lost her temper you could be rest assured that the he had been giving some lip and being obnoxious as only an older brother can be til she flipped. However I was now worried about what if he flipped back? There would be blood spilled if that was the case. So I thought I'd go for another tack and try He-man's phone. No reply. Getting worried now and thanking god I am stationary traffic. My passengers were bemused. I try him again.

He-man - Yes I am here - his voice sounded clipped as if was auditioning for a part as a German officer in 'Allo 'Allo. I am fine She-ra is here and is ok, aren't you. You are OK aren't you? I can hear mumbling from She-ra. She comes onto the phone and in an equally stilted voice says, I am fine but your pan is broken.

I now worry for 2 hours.

I finally arrive Chez Adams Family. She has been crying. He is in the shower. I survey the scene nothing broken apart from the very good quality saucepan which is unrepairable.
C'mon, I cry, you should be at rugby I could get you there if you rush. ( He-man doesn't do fast ever )
He comes downstairs in nothing but a towel where he points to the large bruise on his ribs. I'm fine just a but sore, he said all very grown up. In fact he really surprised me at how adult he was being about the whole thing, giving her hug at her distress of actually hitting him, not going to rugby where he could have done further damage. a trip to the doc next day confirmed our suspicions and she thanked him for brightening up her afternoon with such a daft tale.

How she managed to hit him I never know but in future I shall be putting all possible missiles in a locked cupboard when ever I am out of the house.

Win a year's salary with PayPal

2010-11-04T19:51:00.002Z

Find out more
Enter now for your chance to win

Sponsored Post

OMG can it be this simple? Seriously you just want me to buy something using the services of Paypal as many times as I want on a weekly basis and then I get entered into a draw to win a year's salary of £40k? Clearly this salary depends on the job you hold as for some this could be 2 or three years salary. For myself it's representative of a mere tea break - *cough

I have been cogitating on this all day about what I would do with £40 grand should I be the lucky winner. As I pounded the streets on my run my mind ran to paying off some of my mortgage, say £20K, a new or newish car is definitely on the cards after the year I've had with my old banger. Hmm can't decide between a Seat or some Big Mother of a 4x4 ( that I don't need )? A holiday to Australia for me and mine and maybe some long weekend in a big rented country house for the rest of my family. My ever faithful team definitely need a meal out and oops I have spent it all. Back to reality and I could see my winnings being quickly spent on the such like.

The teenagers would absolutely and categorically want a laptop each given that ours is about dead. Damn it I'll have one too.

I could worry less about the cost of Christmas with such a windfalland I'm sure I could get more than the one batman suit I have been instructed to get for the 4 year old given I know he is going to live in it for the rest of the year. *Pooee what's that smell?

He-man could go on a shopping spree given that all his trackie bots/lounge pants got stolen at this year's festivals and he currently is sporting a pair that are so baggy the local clown acts are eyeing him up as the next big thing. Plus they have probably read his entry in the school year book as the one most likely to succeed as... yes you've guessed it, a clown.

Some bangin' tunes man - my gift to bro in law for all his lovely hospitality and being a cool Uncle.

And even though I said I would never ever go camping again I am already eyeing up tents so I guess we could have a splurge there too.

Having moaned in my latest blog about not having the impetus to put my recently photographed on ebay I suddenly find myself motivated to get cracking and having a bit of a doodle at what else I could find to purchase on there. Maybe a trip to Superdry ebay outlet is called for some cool stocking fillers for the kids.

Well what are you waiting for? Getting clicking now the more times you buy the greater chance you have of winning

Time off for good behaviour

2010-11-02T12:45:00.006Z

On my week off over half term I thought I would chillax as She-ra would say. But as I started to tot up what I had been upto I realised that I needed another week off to recover ( I wish.)

I ran 35km, not all at the same time I might add.

I sanded my wooden work surfaces over three days. I oiled then them 3 -4 times each. I cursed starting said job.

I met with Sci fi Mum of 3, East End mum, Cornish camping buddy for a glass of wine or two.

I baked 2 dozen buns, our Christmas cake and…on the culinary theme I made some meals for the freezer including Coq au Vin and beef in beer.

I had a number of dirty thoughts about hot date. Had opportunity on more than one occasions to put said dirty thoughts into action.

Met with sister twice. Once to do stuff with the littlies and 1 teen, another for dinner and silly fun including bro in law and Gramps. The list game is fab and I am converted to Cranium, despite hating it previously.

Went shopping 4 times. This was three too many for me. Once was to purchase Heman shoe aka boats and various undergarments. Also to get a sneaky idea what he might like for Christmas whilst also trying out some one to one time with a mumping teenager. Once was on my own post trip to hairdresser which depressed me as I couldn't' afford anything I liked. ( see DIY note later ) And once with She-ra to replace burnt boots – see chillers. And finally once with Lancastrian friend just because we could, although we spent much of the time in a coffee shop, I resisted a very lovely grey jumper from GAP where she succumbed to a lovely pair of boots.

I donated games to charity shops

I photographed stuff to go on ebay. Still yet to actually put this on ebay. It is one of my pet hates. I am hoping the dire need for funds will motivate me some time soon.

Found an upholsterer to stuff the life back into my sofa cushions.

Planted another 3 more pots so my very green garden will have some colour in the Spring. Seriously it is just green, luscious green but just green.

Finally started sanding old chairs in need of upholstery

Visited various diy shops 6 times. Felt I spent too much money one DIY which I calculated back into a nice pair of Kurt Geiger boots that I would rather be sporting.

Ferried kids too many numerous things to mention including cadets, parties, rugby.

Froze on a rugby pitch in the middle of nowhere, whopping He-man on to victory. Well almost they lost in the final 30 seconds.

Went to a comedy club with Hot date.

Finished my book for book club – Short Girls by Bich Minh Nguyen if you are interested.

Washed my way through a washing mountain which then turned in to a Ironing mountain. Which led me to watch 4 episodes back to back of Coach trip just because I could.

Started to think about the Christmas decoration swap organised by Mrs Yappy Dog. Seriously what was I thinking? So far I'm leaning towards the world of felt having inadvertently shrunk a number of jumpers.

Took up three pairs of work trousers. I can't believe how bleedin' short my legs are. I really do need those Kurt Geiger boots. ( wiping away dribble from chin now )

Have become addicted to the mah jong app on my phone so will have to leave you now whilst I crack this damn game...