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Monday, 15 July 2013

Dating game

After 3 months on e-harmony I am delighted to announce that my subscription has finished. I can now breathe again. It was getting to the point where I didn't dare look to see which dick head I had been supposedly expertly matched with next. During my 3 months I discovered that there are a lot of men called Stephen of my era, or thereabouts as I did seem to get a lot of very old men thrown into the mix ( what's all that about ?)  This made it very confusing for me as I found one Stephen morphed into another. This of course led to the embarrassment of accidentally texting one Steve as if he was another. Oops! No date there then. E harmony asks you over 500 bleeding questions. 500! This is supposedly to help with compatibility. So a tip to the guys out there, answer the bleeding questions. Also put as many photos of you as possible up there to give us at least a clue that you might be normal. The more information you put out there guys the less you look like a weirdo!

I now take it as read that men lie about their height. Maybe there should be a category called " I am 5'10 in heels just for dwarves."In fact I think there is a lot of lies going on, white or otherwise. Determined to be as open minded as possible and not judge people just for their looks or profile or lack of banter I had hoped to be swept off my feet. Had I wanted to travel 100 miles for a date then one guy almost orgasmed when I rang him and he had planned our first date with such meticulous detail that it was off putting, that and a 200 mile round trip for what was already doomed. Another fell foul of not being able to read a tape measure properly and I was taller than them in heels. And I am the smallest in the family I am repeatedly told. Another Stephen of big chin, big wallet threw a wobbler when I inadvertently made an innocent quip that he decided to psycho analyse to death having been on a "relationship course." Give me strength!

One guy, I think I will call him Steve, good looking chap was clearly on the lash and started sending me suggestive messages. Oo hello I thought. We've pulled! And then he got all apologetic for being a rude boy just as it got interesting. Wimp.

The age thing really got me hacked off. My ex husband was a decade and a half older than me. I have tried antique and I am wanting something a little more youthful. Not a decade and a half youthful but you get me? So I am sorry to all those grandads out there who I never responded to. Im in my 40's not 60's and dont want to go there.

No sooner had I plucked up the courage to part with my hard earned cash to go on this supposedly best matching site I regretted it. What am I doing?! I am actually quite happy not going on dates with poor matches, dwarves or Steves. I am less happy at not having bloody great sex or having someone to try out a new bar or restaurant but hey ho it's not keeping me awake at night.

I am not bothered about profession, within reason, manual types are good with their hands right? ( See Hot Date blogs of 2010/11) Kids are ok - ish, older teens preferred but its not a deal breaker. Wallet size is not a deal breaker either. Height is though, I tried to lower my preference to 5'8 but sorry guys shorties leaves me cold. Banter is good. A top class sense of humour laugh-me-all-the-way-to-bed kind of humour is essential; its rare to get that vibe from a formulaic web site.

My lasting image of e-harmony was of a very happy man called er Steve. There was just one picture of him. At work, Driving his bus. He looked so happy with his big belly touching the steering wheel and his big ears sticking out like saucers. I wish him all the very best in finding his love match.

5 comments:

  1. You should write a book, it would be hilarious. Great post and I do hope you find your Mr Right but if not at least have fun trying!

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  2. I think you should start your own agency, you would do well!

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  3. Amanda - Thanks. Maybe I should call it finding Steve?

    Betty - *shudders at thought - though it would be a good giggle i think sifting through profiles

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  4. All that dating malarkey is exhausting! I always wondered where the male equivalent of my and my friends were, elusive creatures the datable male aren't they?

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  5. Auntie Gwen - OMG woman, how spooky ios that I haveliterally just a left a comment on your own blog having not been on anyone's site for weeks. I think the good men are hiding afraid what they might find if the reveal themselves.

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