Friday, 13 April 2012

Spasm Fanny

Every few years us ladies have to go in for a service. Our under carriage needs, er oiling, scraping and fumbling about. It is a most dignified of visits you blokes should really try it. First you have to make sure that your lady garden is not running wild and free least you scary the medical people away. I don't want to feature in an episode of embarrassing bodies thank you very much..
Then you have to think carefully about what you are going to wear. Something on the lower half that is easy to get on and off or a big skirt/dress that you could raise over your head to cover your blushes. Sensible knickers are a must. My daughter spent most of the evening assuming the position, yes that dignified one of you on you back , knees raised and legs lolling apart.

So first we have the speculum. Any woman reading this has probably just winced. It's a  more powerful  word than He who should not be named -*Whispers Voldemort to strike fear into a woman. Are there different sizes of speculum according to size of cervix or is it a one size fits all? 
Nurse " I've warmed it for you"
Me - wan smile "thanks "
Nurse "is that ok?" she's thoughtfully pressing it against my inner thigh to see if I can stand the temperature.
Nurse"I'm going in"
Much accidently bumping of speculum and scraping proceeds. I could go into more detail but do you really want to know?
Nurse - " Now for the coil change"
Me - more wan smiling
Nurse " you do know that there is a chance that your cervix could go into a spasm?"
Me - "this is my 4th one it's never happened before " Fateful words here
After the 3rd attempt of getting the damn thing in she decided she had a faulty implement. My knees are now shaking and the other nurse is having to hold them. I look up to see the nurse holding what looks like a straw with a bent end covered in blood. She is looking quizzical. Apparently I have a retro -something - womb. (Maybe that's why I like retro style?)
Nurse " shall we try again"
I now feel like one of those road scrapers has been inside me and taken of the first surface of skin followed by a pneumatic drill
Me - last friggin wan smile  " last one and then we give up "
Nurse " are your bowls full? that can have an effect?"
Me - shaking head noooooo
Nurse head down between my legs.
Nurse " Oh no its gone into spasm"


  1. I hope you have recovered. My hubby refers to my examinations in that area as 'the curling tong treatment'

  2. Betty - That made me wince & cross my legs

  3. I think it's called retro because it's tiled or retroverted!

    I asked my GP husband about tidy lady gardens and he reckons he's seen that many over the years, he probably wouldn't notice if you were growing daisies down there.

    I bet you're looking forward to going back again?

  4. Trish - tilted! So you have to sit on a pillow apparently. Been back with dread, done the deed.*shudders

    1. Oh I wrote 'tiled' rather than 'tilted'! Now that would be an attractive lady garden...with a patio!

      Glad the deed was done. Good old pillow!

  5. So made me laugh as I've had to have a few smears recently!

  6. What a giggle...poor you! Coil change? Genius!

    I still remember the hassle of it all even though I had a rushed hysterectomy at 29. I'm lucky enough to be reduced to vault smears every 3 years! It's the top ruddy half mother nature's trying to get at now - it's all mammograms and biopsies on the go! What a squish! Thanks for the laugh, you've got a fantastic attitude to we womanly ways!

  7. I am shaking both with laughter and fear.

    My lady garden is clenched!