Friday, 13 April 2012

Spasm Fanny

Every few years us ladies have to go in for a service. Our under carriage needs, er oiling, scraping and fumbling about. It is a most dignified of visits you blokes should really try it. First you have to make sure that your lady garden is not running wild and free least you scary the medical people away. I don't want to feature in an episode of embarrassing bodies thank you very much..
Then you have to think carefully about what you are going to wear. Something on the lower half that is easy to get on and off or a big skirt/dress that you could raise over your head to cover your blushes. Sensible knickers are a must. My daughter spent most of the evening assuming the position, yes that dignified one of you on you back , knees raised and legs lolling apart.

So first we have the speculum. Any woman reading this has probably just winced. It's a  more powerful  word than He who should not be named -*Whispers Voldemort to strike fear into a woman. Are there different sizes of speculum according to size of cervix or is it a one size fits all? 
Nurse " I've warmed it for you"
Me - wan smile "thanks "
Nurse "is that ok?" she's thoughtfully pressing it against my inner thigh to see if I can stand the temperature.
Nurse"I'm going in"
Much accidently bumping of speculum and scraping proceeds. I could go into more detail but do you really want to know?
Nurse - " Now for the coil change"
Me - more wan smiling
Nurse " you do know that there is a chance that your cervix could go into a spasm?"
Me - "this is my 4th one it's never happened before " Fateful words here
After the 3rd attempt of getting the damn thing in she decided she had a faulty implement. My knees are now shaking and the other nurse is having to hold them. I look up to see the nurse holding what looks like a straw with a bent end covered in blood. She is looking quizzical. Apparently I have a retro -something - womb. (Maybe that's why I like retro style?)
Nurse " shall we try again"
I now feel like one of those road scrapers has been inside me and taken of the first surface of skin followed by a pneumatic drill
Me - last friggin wan smile  " last one and then we give up "
Nurse " are your bowls full? that can have an effect?"
Me - shaking head noooooo
Nurse head down between my legs.
Nurse " Oh no its gone into spasm"

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Rolling the eggs

For those of you who know us Easter means one thing, OK apart from the chocolate, egg rolling. This has been a family tradition that spans the decades and generations. There are rules, such as no hammerite or varnishing of eggs, no throwing of eggs and defeat is always conceded politely. My sister has been playing this nearly all here life, my children both have. We were 3 families but have spread to 4 which involves a pilgrimage to Scotland on rotation.
My sisters family have never ever won it whereas my side has won across all members and the scottish contingent have done so too. This year was nail biting. Brother in law came first in 2 of the 3 rounds. He surely must be a winner.We even had a victory dance, but all rather to premature. But hey no sometimes always a bridesmaid never a brides put 2nd place She-ra as clear winner. Again.

The rest of the Easter weekend has been much eating drinking and being merrying with the most lovely people ever. It is a time of year I look forward to every year. Bring on 2013

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Give peace a chance

Tara's gallery theme this week is At Peace. Mine involves water. Its where I go to  to feel happiest. If I could wave a magic wand I would own somewhere near the sea. I love it whatever the weather. The noise, the spray, the changing colour, the ever changing shore line. I think I might have just described myself; you really should see my shore line!  In fact why do I need a magic wand maybe I should "shell" up? (terrible pun)
So when I'm not by the sea, lake or water in some shape or form best then to bury your head in a big glass of red. Nom nom nom.

Monday, 2 April 2012

Lights camera action

I would like to dedicate this blog post to Betty. Her recent comment made me realise that yes things have been pretty awful of late but  there have been some moments of total bliss too. These need celebrating more often and I should return to being the glass half full, overflowing even, person I was once.

We saw the poster at school many months ago.Together we did a kick ass application - or so we thought. months passed. She-ra gets an invitation for an assessment day in February half term.

It was at this point when she went to the assessment day that She-ra realised the magnitude of what she had applied for. She had been selected along with 125 others from over 1400applicants for a 2 week internship at ITV. There were all ages, 14 - 18, and from all over the country. There were less than 10 places ( it is at this point we are a bit vague because She-ra is a lot vague at the best of time. ) So we celebrated the fact we had got this far. Any further would be a bonus. We had the comical drop off in half term, or embarrassing drop off point depending whether you listen to me or her. She wanders in and joined the first queue she saw whilst I waved frantically in the car to go and ask someone where she had to go and not just stand with the first group of people she saw. I believe she said " Stop embarrassing me mother." ( I am always addressed as mother when I am embarrassing/annoying/in disgrace - all of which seems to be often these days. It always said is a pseudo 1940's voice too)

End of march was notification day. Having just got out of the shower as you do at 4pm in the afternoon wrapped in a giant towel and mascara panda eyes ( 'cos we cant be bothered to remove it ) she reached for her phone having been separated from it for all of 15 - 20 minutes. OMG I've got the email, she declared. So I waited at the foot of the stairs looking up at my sopping wet daughter scroll through the email she had just received. It felt like an eternity. And then we had it. The massive grin. I've got it, I'm in!, she declared. Then she burst in tears.
To celebrate we had her favourite M&S Pizza, Spicy Chicken, and a copy of Grazia. Simple pleasures. She's still buzzing and grinning days later. a new wardrobe will also be called for too apparently.
please don't ask me what she will be doing as i shall refer you to the vague comment made earlier. All I know it is behind the scenes production and she will get the opportunity to make her own short film