Sunday, 29 May 2011

And it came on my arm

The last few days seem to be of the ejaculatory sort. As you do. Firstly there was the moth. The moth that as I was drifting off to sleep came on my arm. I realise I have missed a word out here that being "landed." And so it was when I recounted the mediocrity of my life to the giggling teens the next night that when I said " a moth came on my arm" that they fell about laughing. This was made even worse when they asked I got rid of said beast " I tossed it off" I replied. More guffaws. "...and I had to wipe it up with a tissue" They were crying genuine tears. What? What did I say.

However my moth was nothing to The Dachshund. If you are squeamish look away now. There we were, the girls and me, enjoying a glass of three of Sauvignon Blanc giddy with half term holidayitis sharing tales around the table of this busy restaurant. First there was the gaff of Good Catholic Environmental mother of 3 who had told her colleagues earlier in the week that one of their team had died. When in fact he hadn't. Still when he died later on that week they had all had a dress rehearsal. Then there was the story of the grandad who dutifully picked up his grand daughter up from Reception. Only to discover when the parents came to collect said child that he had collected the WRONG ONE! And finally I give you the dachshund. This story followed my moth story as otherwise I have no idea how we would have ever found out that my VG curly haired friend once had a sausage dog rubs his Frankfurter rather to vigorously on her as a teen and came all over her mohair jumper. Enough said.

Monday, 23 May 2011

My Lady Garden

When Tara threw down the latest challenge for The Gallery as being "my back yard" I though hurrah I can talk about my lovely small garden . That's alright, cry my family, because you are small. ( I am not small I am 5'5.5", that half inch is very important, its just the rest of them that are giants.) So yes it is small but perfectly formed, a little scraggy on occasion around the edge but nothing a quick trim can't sort out. It's easy to tend to and can accommodate all sorts of activities be it bathing in the sunshine, pulling up weeds, chilling, reading, quoffing ( love that word ), entertaining, fire building and last but not least somewhere for the dog to spend a penny or leave a pound.

Over the years I have had varying sizes of back yards. In Edinburgh we had a shared garden that we hardly ever used. Especially after the Old Woman With Scissors incident. In the North East we had a Victorian terraced house whose back yard had been taken up by a garage so all we had left was a space like a large coffin. We used to fish wife on the front door step instead - much more fun. We then had houses with much bigger gardens particularly the last one and doing the lawn was a truly exhausting task; think demented gardener look.
If I could change anything it would be a spot of sunshine that lasts way into the evening so I can enjoy a glass of chilled something and a patch big enough to grow vegetables in other than that I'm quite happy with my small lady garden.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Trading Places with my dog

Sometimes I would like to be my dog. She has no cares in the world, every day is a new day and she gets lots of walks and fussing over. I particularly love the gone bonkers moments; whites of eyes showing tail going and mad running. I don't want, however, people watching me whilst I have a dump or a wee. And one day, just one day, I am going to catch myself a goddamn Squirrel! I don't want other dogs sniffing my bits either.
The dog goes wild

Silent Sunday

Mochabeaniemummy says be silent 1 picture no words

Tuesday, 17 May 2011


for Tara's Gallery - I haven't participated in a while so forgive me if I'm a bit early for once.

We love a good tash. I give you a small selection of tash-tastic fun. There are none of me because I have my very own moustache that will when I am an old lady (so not long there then) be the stuff my nephew would point at and stare. I will probably have a beard too. However I doubt I will win this competition because I am related to the judge and she's seen it all before. but for those of you haven't.....

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Happy Birthday Blog

Happy birthday to you. Can't believe I started this 2 years ago and I am still spouting crap 2 years later. In true me style I missed the actual day but at least I got the month right.

Or try
The one with the most hits
Or most comments
The rants

Thanks for all the comments. I think I will have quite a bit to blog about over the next few weeks as going away on holiday with hot date without children & children being taken care of by Grumps will surely give me plenty of blogging fodder

Silent Sunday

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Tuesday, 3 May 2011


These moments have been rare in our house of late. But when they happen it brings me such joy and pride. it just shows reading Dr Seuss and Lemony Snicket all those years did pay off let the ridiculous begin. This was the conversation at dinner tonight

Me; There's a spider on the dinner table
He-man; There's a maassssive spider in the bathroom.
She-ra; I know I think its watching me
He-man; it is it told me
She-ra: ?
He-man; he's called Ignacio and he's told me he is in love with you
She-ra; ???!
He-man; He's been asking me (in Mexican accent ) "Ey, how am I going to get you seester to fall in love with me?"
She-ra's looking even more puzzled but laughing lots
He-man: Ignacio says" I sneak into her room at night to watch 'er"
He-man (pointing at She-ra's face ) what are those marks on your face?
Me; They are spider love bites. Ignacio says "'e wants you, 'e wants to put his eight arms around you"
He-man; He has a brother Ramon in the downstairs bathroom. they work for Diego.
Me- who's Diego?
He-man - the Don. He's in my bathroom. He's huge

Monday, 2 May 2011

Renault Megane for sale

For sale
One Renault Megane that has lost its vava voom
1 lady owner who was not so careful and reversed into a wall and down the side of another wall, drove over a bump, got bumped, knicked and scratched. It's a well travelled vehicle and has covered just about all corners of UK and even been abroad.
It's been back and forth to the garage so everything is in working order.
Reason for sale? see below

Just how much money can you spend on a car! A second hand one that is. An 8 year old French bag of spanners to be priceise. In the past 12 months I have spent over £2500 on my car and just this week, only a month after the latest escapade of broken drivers window electrics , there is a new fault. White smoke this time. Not some heady scent of Gitanes to take me back to my youth but smelly burn rubber on me kind of smell. £2500! I ask you, that was a healthy deposit on the way to a brand spanking new car. Or a holiday, a fly drive even.

So you great big money guzzling heap of shit I hope you are quivering on the drive way because YOU are going! within in the next 4 weeks.

I've looked Fords, fiestas and focus, mazda 3's, honda civic - new models only with their funky cyclops eye fog lights thing going on there, skodas in various forms ( yes skodas as I am in full who gives a fuck about the frigging badge anyway kind of mood ), alfas because they are beautiful but impractical, flights of fancy such as classic cars or land rover defenders. I know my father will be gnashing his teeth but having trawled through endless reviews and price comparisons there are some good deals out there. And you know what I'd quite like a Golf or a Polo. I just don't know if I will be able to get the current Renault with its fat ass over to said dealers. As for finance- it can't be any worse than I'm currently coughing up for my pile of nuts,bolts and a baguette rammed up its arse.
Whilst most of the country has been glued to the Roayl wedding My weekend has been spent looking for the marriage made in heaven of me, new car and finance deal. Any offers for the old model?

Sunday, 1 May 2011

not so Silent Sunday

The one time I have got my arse out of bed,all be it to do something else, and post to Silent Sunday I find it is on holiday this week. Ah feck it, have posted anyway cos now I can break the vow of silence imposed by mochabeaniemummy. So here's me and hot date swinging as it were. Captured on film by She-ra who seems to have left her adventure gene in Holland and refused point blank to join in.

I could have spent all day swinging back and forth over the water. Tempted though I was to let go the near by sign warning of of blue green algae tightened my grip. I have no idea what this multicoloured algae is but I just had Lemony Snicket type thoughts running through my mind such as lachrymose lake and its leeches.