Saturday, 2 April 2011
Right here right now
Right here right now I have been slurping a cup of freshly brewed coffee in bed after waving good bye to Hot Date as he heads back home. I have drafted my to do list for the day and already know that I wont get it all done. I haven't sat in bed and pottered on laptop first thing in the morning for months. Probably because it is usually in some teens room. But it's my guilty pleasure. I'm pondering tomorrow - Mother's Day - and wondering whether my 2 will even remember. They forgot once, the year after the Great Split , I was so upset. I don't expect gifts, a home made card and kind gestures would suffice but not nothing at all. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but I do know it brings memories of my own mother who I lost so many years ago now that her memory is fragile like antique cloth. Touch it and it disintegrates in your fingers. I have such a poor memory in general that I look at photos and try desperately hard to remember the circumstance around it. I have even considered going to hypnotherapy to see if they can unlock those memories. Then I panic and think maybe there is a reason for all these gaps, maybe there is something dark lurking in there? I could really do with my mum right now as I'm having a horrendous time with my eldest and need support with my youngest. I need someone to tell me that it will be alright, that I am doing my best and that is OK. All of this makes me feel like a terrible mother; I look back at how I have brought him up and wonder where I have gone wrong when the youngest is pretty OK.