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Saturday, 2 April 2011

Right here right now

Right here right now I have been slurping a cup of freshly brewed coffee in bed after waving good bye to Hot Date as he heads back home. I have drafted my to do list for the day and already know that I wont get it all done. I haven't sat in bed and pottered on laptop first thing in the morning for months. Probably because it is usually in some teens room. But it's my guilty pleasure. I'm pondering tomorrow - Mother's Day - and wondering whether my 2 will even remember. They forgot once, the year after the Great Split , I was so upset. I don't expect gifts, a home made card and kind gestures would suffice but not nothing at all. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but I do know it brings memories of my own mother who I lost so many years ago now that her memory is fragile like antique cloth. Touch it and it disintegrates in your fingers. I have such a poor memory in general that I look at photos and try desperately hard to remember the circumstance around it. I have even considered going to hypnotherapy to see if they can unlock those memories. Then I panic and think maybe there is a reason for all these gaps, maybe there is something dark lurking in there? I could really do with my mum right now as I'm having a horrendous time with my eldest and need support with my youngest. I need someone to tell me that it will be alright, that I am doing my best and that is OK. All of this makes me feel like a terrible mother; I look back at how I have brought him up and wonder where I have gone wrong when the youngest is pretty OK.

5 comments:

  1. Ok, here this

    You are a good mother, scratch that, you are a great mother, they are neither dead nor living with their dad

    It will be all right, you are doing your best and you will get through this. You love him and that will get you through.

    Parenting a teen male is bloody hard work but all the work you've put over the years will out when the great fug of testosterone alpha maleness lifts a bit.

    And failing that, there's always gin at my house, bring him as well, TBS and Hot Boy will enjoy another male in the camp. xxxx

    Happy Mothers Day, with love from your friend who understands and empathises xxxx

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  2. oops that should read hear, apologies for the general crapness of spelling today xxxx

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  3. You are a great mother. I lost my mother as well when I was 6 years old and it is tough at times especially when everyone else is celebrating with their mothers. I have 3 sons - 2 teenagers and and and 11 year old wanna be teenager! It doesn't help that my other half's attitude to Mothers Day is the "you are not my mother" therefore I will take my mother out for lunch or "would you like to make lunch for here"? (NO!) I have told him this year that no I am not his mother but mother to his children and it is up to him to guide them as to what they should do. There has been a flurry of not so secret activity so they may have at least remembered.

    Anyway its not how they act on one day that is important, its how they treat you all the rest of the year that really matters.

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  4. Do you love your children? that is a loud yes isn't it? so do not give yourself grief....you love them, they love you, you are all doing your best navigating throught life and you sound like you are doing just fine....all will be well.....have a good mothers dayx

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  5. Auntie Gwen - thanks for the kind words. How I about I just send he-man and I'll stay here.
    Josephine - I hope your treat you well the rest of the year, I'm afraid mine hasn't done that either. He is still in still bed (1330) but She-ra got up and made me brekkie before thrusting her handmade gift at me which was beautiful
    Libby -love yes - like them - yes like his behaviour absolutely not

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