Friday, 28 January 2011

2 buttons, a haircut and a blow job

This week it was my birthday. I don't do birthdays very well or maybe that should be bad things happen to me on my birthday.This can be anything minor bordering on the trivial eg bad hair day to major such as the black dog of despair pawing at your door. Either way something awful always happens on them so I have learnt to very low expectations. On the shopping for gifts front January is such a shite month, particularly by the time you get to the end of the month where the shops have come to the end of their sales and even Harvey Nichols as an aura of village hall jumble sale about it. The new season stock is coming in dribs and drabs and lets face it who wants to buy silky chiffon wisps of fabric when you have more layers on than a mille feuille. Going into the changing room when it takes you half an hour to take off what you already have on means that garment must be bloody worth it. And No, Mrs Shop Assistant, I haven't' even got the sodding jeans on yet.

A celebratory evening meal is always welcomed. Last year VGF@Work cooked a lovely Mexican meal for us all which was tarred only by the fact we were late due to He-man being mugged earlier that day and police interviews taken place. Some years a takeaway was all we could muster. This time I was treated to steak frites in little French bistro - yum, big fat glass of red wine double yum. She-ra baked one of her fab cakes - triple yum.

Giftwise my family and friends do me proud. Ex husband was terrible. In fact without wanting to sound ungrateful he was fecking terrible. I think the jar of glacé cherries and cd ( that he liked ) will never leave my memory. So it was with ghosts of partners past that I worried. OK only worried slightly-what would Hot Date would bring to the table? She-ra was on text message central offering tips etc from my scribbly list posted on the kitchen notice board in the vain hope that someone would indeed notice it. And noticed it was. I feel truly spoilt. I thinks someone must have been looking at a recent blog . All Jo Maloned up. Brownie points - Him - bucket loads. He's set the standard now which I will have to return

The title of this blog refers to what I actually did on the big day. Bought two shiny buttons for the jacket that seems to spends its life wishing them to jump off kamikaze style when I'm least expecting it. The hair cut was most needed and lovely to have. And the blow job? Hey you need a lot puff to blow as many candles as I have on my cake.

Film 2011

We love the movies in our house. I have been brought up on old black and whites, art house, foreign you name it. I don't think a conversation can pass our lips without some kind of filmic reference comes into play.

I loved Film whatever year it was with Barry Norman, it was even better with Jonathan Ross as his love of film really came through. I quite like Claudia Winklewoman but on Film 2011 she annoys the feck out of me. No one can be that enthusiastic. Just shut up woman!

So far this month we have seen Harry Potter and the latest dirge part 1 - this was OK. we've spent many a movie afternoon watching these guys over the past few years. Seeing the main characters now was like watching your children grow up and go off into the world to fend for themselves. There were a couple of good wizardry bits but on the whole we came away feeling a bit deflated. Why couldn'tthey make it one long film instead. Ol' JK did not do the book in two parts.

Then it was the turn on 127 hours. Cinematography was brill. Some of those shots were truly inspiring. The acting was brill. Even though you knew what was coming it was still hiding behind the fingers moment and maybe even block your ears too. I won't give it away for those who have yet to see it. Lots of" eugh" moments. Can't believe that you manged to be captivated for so long by one actor in a confined space . Brilliant film.

And most recent, Black Swan. Cant decide if it's a bit Emperors new clothes or if it is really good. As I need a guide for the simplest of plots ( James Bond is about my level - just ) this really confused me. We all loved the metamorphosis into the Black Swan. There was way too much sex in it for a 15 certificate for my liking. It was like having to watch The Misfits extended version re the sex with She-ra next to me hiding under her scarf at the oral bits whilst grandad's eye were on stalks loving every minute of the girl on girl action.

Next on my list The Fighter - I mean c'mon, have you see Mark Wahlbergs guns?

Monday, 24 January 2011

Children grow into teens, be warned!

The Gallery theme this week is children; Mine are no longer Children but teens. Tara, make the most of it, mine were cute once.
The year was 1995
A family holiday in South of France for 14 of us. Yes 14. It was great holiday.
The kids were happy with a stint on the beach, being buried in sand, ice creams, and jumping into the pool in inflatable heaven. They went to bed at early hour and we could relax.
When I look at this photo I want to turn back the clock.
Instead I have this to contend with.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

Skanky Hair

Hey do you ever suffer from skanky hair? Do you need to try and eek it out an extra day knowing its just a wee bit too greasy but do it anyway? Well you need dry shampoo. Just spray on and you'll never the difference. No shit Sherlock. Just don't do it in a rush or too close to your head or you too could look like Morticia Adams crossed with the Mallen Streak.

Please also be aware that when you do wash your hair that your colleagues think you have been to some expensive salon due to the massive transformation of skankiness to foxiness. Insulting really don't you think.

A day in the life of a working stressed mother & lover ( that'll be me )

Today is the first day of the weekend. I have a house full. It has been a stressful week. Last night I went out with old friends, the night before I had my own adult sleepover. Therefore I AM KNACKERED! I have to do lists at the weekend not because I am anal but because I have the worst memory ever.

So casting my eye over my mental list the day looked something like this.
  • Have a bit if lie in - say 9am
  • A bit of blogging drop by as have been very busy of late with a huge cup of freshly brewed cwaffee
  • Clean bathroom ( rather not )
  • Fix car indicator ( oh cock )
  • Go swimming ( looking forward to it )
  • Make pizza dough for tea later
  • leg exercises a plenty
  • cinema
You know that my day did not pan out like that at all for starters try....
  • woken at 7am by wrinklies
  • unexpected phone call from Scottish BFF for nearly an hour - this was lovely but also made me want to drive straight up to Bonny Scotland and give her a big hug. It will be alright.
  • dog comes back from walk with G-man having rolled in a large amount of fox poo. Wash dog immediately in nearest thing to hand, Head & Shoulders. She hates every minute of it and manges to make all her body go very floppy so its impossible to wash her.
  • now I really do have to clean the bathroom all three of them, including He-mans (ew )
  • try to coordinate the wishes of 5 people all wanting to do different things all at that same time. Just as you get it sorted G-man changes his mind
  • go lie down and rest leg and previous point was driving me nuts.
  • schedule in a quick visit to school uniform shop in dodgy part of town for 2 new school blouses that are made out of the worst fabric ever. All for the princely sum of £21 quid. Toilet roll is more robust than these school shirts.
  • collect all the dog poo off the back lawn. I reckon about 2kg? How come so much shit comes out of such a small dog.
  • managed to get my hand into the back of headlights but couldn't fathom how to fix indicator. However the prodding and poking must have worked as it is now working again. Glad I'm not a gynaecologist and this exercise places yet another black mark against the car that is known as the she devil or Renault Megane. Never has a car had so many design faults....* commence chuntering
  • Realise the swimming will have to go by wayside. Damn now have mega skanky hair #skankysaturday rolls on
  • Spent lovely time with step mum in town with She-ra in tow.
  • Was shocked at how many men's heads She-ra turned. Some one get me a burka please!
  • A trip to Sainsbury's for the pizza toppings. When will I learn to cook something with ingredients I actually have in the house?
  • Hurtle out of the house to get to the cinema in time, forgetting Black Swan is a 15 and trying to save money on entrance fee announced she was 14.
  • Had to go to another cinema- caused chaos a ticket machine, booked practically the front row of cinema. Didn't realise Black Swan had so much sex in it. First time G-man has ever stayed awake whilst at the movies particularly at the girl on girl bit, then he had a big grin on his face.
  • Bloody leg kills
  • Bed with a smile as have managed to get the buy in of different people to allow me to have the best ever treat in a few months.
  • Grinning ear to ear

You will notice there is not much "lover" in this post despite its title. Well c'mon something had to give. A few texts were all I could manage today.

Friday, 14 January 2011

I want one of those!

Whilst I admit that the offerings I am most likely to receive are in my earlier post and I have even been approached to participate in a Channel 4 Documentary about parenting and teens. (Sorry but no thanks.) However if pr agencies/product launchers should wonder what I would perhaps promote selflessly here goes
  1. Any new fragrance launch by Jo Malone or Tom Ford
  2. Product tester for Christian Louboutin ( or Le -boob-itin as we call him round ours )
  3. Heated rollers - I am addicted to mine but they're not brilliant
  4. Hair products in general
  5. Rigby & Peller or Agent Provocateur - Real women in real lingerie not stick thins please
  6. All of flight routes as a girlie weekend destinations
  7. Luxury self catering accommodation at said destination
  8. Destination restaurants - see point 6 & 7
  9. Review of comedy gigs for our leading lights particularly if performing at Edinburgh Festival
  10. Cars - ones that go forwards and backwards and engines that don't fall out of them
  11. Family holidays for teenagers who don't want to be within 50 yards of you never mind sat on a plane or in a tent
  12. Film premieres - we love the movies in our house and much of our conversations are laced with filmic references much to the horror of Hot Date " you had me at hello " see what I mean
  13. A love nest for me and Hot Date - I would really promote this above and beyond anything else ever in the whole wide world
  14. Mystery shopping selected gym and spas
  15. Breakfast foods in particular cereal of vast teenage boys size quantities
  16. Baking products. I am currently have to buy in bulk to sate the She-ra baking bug. 5kg bags of icing sugar I kid you not and super duper non stick baking tins of assorted shapes. Eat Me - has a lot to answer for.
  17. Clothes - I look in good clothes. They hide the otherwise not so good out of clothes body that hangs off my bones. Preferably tailored, my own tailor who never reveals my measurements
  18. Mortgages - ones that seem to quadruple what you pay in and miraculously pay it all off in a fraction of the time.
  19. Cleaning companies - yes you can come and clean my house and I'll review it with my white cotton glove
  20. Superdry, Jack Wills, Lacoste & Joules. I think these products need testing on real kids in a real home with real washing machines - don't you?
I think I need to stop there as I can feel my list getting out of control. But if you know of anyone who might just be a wee bit interested in a slightly mad reviewer let them know

Friday, 7 January 2011


I am sometimes just a little bit envious of my the gifts that are bestowed on my sister and her blogger mates in the name of PR. I have had a couple of sponsored posts but nothing like the gifts that fall on my sisters shoulders. I am not green eyed with jealousy at the holidays or the kitchen gadgets, the books or the White company bathrobe ( ok maybe slightly at that one ) But lets face it PR agencies reading my blogs are most likely to offer me the following:
  1. Gin or failing that Red wine. I can review that expertleee *hic
  2. Self help books on looking after teenagers
  3. Reviewing camp sites around the UK
  4. Girlie weekends away on the continent
  5. Shoes shoes and more shoes. Heels mainly flats rarely,
  6. Sex including toys and their application rating out of 10
  7. Care for the elderly - see G-man
  8. Poor man's guide to securing a divorce
This list makes me sounds like a hooker from Holland. Maybe they could send me to Amsterdam to try out a window.

My name is Mrs Worthington and I am a crap parent

There are some days when I am truly embarrassed to call myself a mother. I'm no good at tough love and cave very easily. My kids are now 14 and 16 and I have failed as a parent and of course now it is too late. So please come and join my crap-parent-aholics group if you find yourself doing any of the following.

  • There are days when I am shouty mum for absolutely no other reason that I am. I hate myself for it and I act in a wholly unreasonable way and either hope it gets out of my system or that I don't do anything stupid.

  • I am inconsistent - see above. This morning shouty, this afternoon loving, who knows what the evening will bring?

  • I have been drunk in front my kids more times than I care to mention. Well more tipsy than drunk but definitely under influence. Most recently on Christmas day when I tried to fix my sisters curtain track whilst balancing in high heels on the back of a sofa before I went flying backwards through the air.

  • I don't spend enough time with my son. Or this could be my daughter. Mainly my son though. It's hard trying to fit one on one time when neither of us like each other much and one of spends most of their time in bed.

  • I have spent so much of my life putting them first that's its been bordering on the unhealthy, particularly since the departure of Mr Ex. Now it's my turn it's a bit of a shock to the system.

  • I can't be arsed with asking/nagging them to do jobs round the house. It's all the arguments that follows. Maybe its just their age but they never do things in the time frame that you want it doing in. If the dog is walked, the dishes cleaned and put away and the ironing mountain under control then I'm happy. G-man ( Grandad ) thinks otherwise and regularly has a go. This turns me into shouty mum. see point 1

  • I feel like I've let them grow up too quickly and my daughter seems to have gone from 11 to 20 in a very short space of time. She's 14 and is all knowing and far too wise for her age. She looks after me. I think its supposed to be the other way round.

  • I have to make a real effort to sit out and do nothing with them ie watch tv during the day. It seems such a waste.

  • I watch Misfits/The Inbetweeners and Skins with them. Cringing behind cushions all the time. She-ra is made to sit behind the cushions too when anything rude comes on the screen so all she hears is the sound effects. Maybe thats worse? She probably watches on demand anyway and just humours me, especially when i give the accompanying commentary about S E X. These are not family viewing programmes.

  • I struggle to keep a track of school life. Letters rarely make it home and I find homework difficult to understand. Why can't they teach old school like? *wails

  • If you feel that you share any of these traits then maybe we should form an official society or something. You could get a certificate in the post and be invited for Gin & Tonic evenings on a school night.

    Sunday, 2 January 2011

    Looking Back ( over my shoulder )

    Can't say "looking back" without launching into the song by Paul Carrack, Mike & The Mechanics, and actually looking over my shoulder. Sad but true. And if my old usherette mate is reading this I bet she does this too. So it is traditional that at this time of year you look back at the year you had and maybe think about what the next one will bring you. I've had a mixed year but I would rather focus on the positives rather than the utter shite that has taken place, much of it in the last 2 months.
    In no particular order
    1. We moved house to our lovely new family home. Filled with sunshine and laughter. It's mine all mine ( well and the kids and the dog )
    2. I went to Barcelona with work and had an absolute ball. Sides ached with laughing, and in the name of work too. Normally you are lucky if go more than a 100 mile radius away.
    3. Saw She-ra confidence grow in buckets. She's a much happier person than this time last year
    4. He-man got through his gcse's and even managed to pass some of them
    5. My sister moved house too and its absolutely fab
    6. Brother in law has work coming out of his ears
    7. I got really into my running and could do a 10k in less than an hour - hurrah, It's good for me anyway, have you seen the size of my thighs?!
    8. We are no longer camping virgins but might call for an annulment
    9. I realised there was more to life than Inspector Frost and a cold flat and moved on
    10. There is a lot more laughter in my life these days, mainly due to Hot Date, just hope it lasts.

    The thing is I can't help measure this list by the fact that nearly all of these blessings are as a result of overcoming the after effects of my ex. He casts a shadow over every day of my life and right this moment that shadow has gripped my son who is in a very dark place. What an utter bastard who could do something so utterly awful and not face the consequences. It was with these thoughts in my head that I couldn't face New Years Eve partying and felt thoroughly miserable. But the sun rose on a new day and in the words of the Buttercup syrup Capercaillie "I feel better now!"<