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Tuesday, 14 December 2010

How Not To Buy a Christmas Tree


If you do not like foul language I suggest you look away now. This is my guide on how NOT to buy a tree.
  1. Firstly do not leave the buying of said tree until late Sunday afternoon when the rest of the world and his wife have spent the entire weekend buying up all the good ones
  2. If you fail to get tree on the Saturday morning first thing then leave till during the week when said vendors have received another delivery unless you like the ugly trees
  3. Ideally take someone with you to carry said tree to your car otherwise much fluttering of eye lashes will have to occur as you try to go solo and get the bastard spiny thing into the car. Some people see the tree buying thing a some lovely family tradition and pity those who go and buy it on their own. I have been buying our tree on my own for years and would gladly hand over that mantle of responsibility to someone else. Any takers? No I thought not.
  4. Ask the nice tree vendor if it comes with a base. THIS IS ABSO_FUCKING_LUTELY essential. In case you don't realise how essential this is I will repeat myself for the stupid ( ie me who do this every frigging year ) "Does it come with a base?" THIS IS ABSO_FUCKING_LUTELY
  5. If, for whatever reason, it does not -walk away now! Go buy a tree where it does come with base and maybe they'll give you a sprig of mistletoe as a kind gesture. So walk away unless you want to do the following.
  6. Hoick tree home with poor visibility out rear view mirror.
  7. Wrestle said tree out of car. It is also not a good idea to do this in the dark and cold. Daylight really can help here.
  8. Get your Christmas tree base that you bought years ago for occasions like these which you swore you would never use again but have, until the next few moments, completely forgotten why you said you would never use it again.
  9. With the aid of one teenager manoeuvre the tree stump it base. Ah, it doesn't fit. Ever so slightly too wide to for the 3" base. No problem we'll shave a bit off it to make it fit. Can't be difficult.
  10. Find an axe, a sharp one preferably. Mine was recently sharpened by Hot Date. He did a good job but alas it was too far gone in the state of bluntness.
  11. If axe fails try a saw. Nope the saw is no good either.
  12. Aha I spy my neighbour maybe he'll take pity and help. And so he did. Much axe wielding and grunting ( what is it about men and axes? ) also nearly a pair of expensive shoes ruined.
  13. Position tree into stand and hurrah it fits! Only... only.. the bastard tree has clearly been drinking my spiced apple cup as it cannae stand up straight. Exit said neighbour at rapid rate.
  14. She-ra, or any teenage helper will do, will then point out that it's not the trees fault but the base. The base is the bad guy here. Let's go buy another base. Hurrah She-ra does it again, she of the common sense I am so clearly lacking. We hurtle to our nearest Homebase. We purchase a new style of base that could not fail ( so the shop assistant said) and hurtle back home.
  15. We manage with much manoeuvring to finally get the base into position. and we leave it to relax, to decorate the next day.
  16. Next evening the damn tree has been at the bleeding spice apple cup again and is propping itself up in the corner of the room. Has it no shame?
  17. Emergency phone call to Pops - him "Oh hello haven't heard from you in a while" me " Can you come and help me sort out my FUCKING tree before I chop it up into little pieces for firewood" I secretly hope that it has heard that last bit and is now standing to attention through sheer fear.
  18. Pops arrives. He too can't master the new bastard stand. He manages a quick and cost free solution. One big bucket. Lots of lumps of firewood to hold it into position. Then he places it onto a table to raise it off the ground because the green grocer clearly doesn't know his feet from his cm. If our tree is 5' then I'm 6'2"
  19. I give you our Christmas tree. I feel better now.

6 comments:

  1. I think you should just buy a fake one. You fail to mention the Christmas tree hell of last year too!

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  2. we have a drunken tree but took great pleasure in torturing it into upright position with our trusty stand that has long skewers that are slowly screwed into the base so it is held rigid - unless the cat pulls it, in which case the tree and stand will go over ... our tree has pine needles curling the wrong way - apparently this is the near death appearance of a tree that has not been watered but as it is no drop needles they will curl away and not drop - so far so good, curly will do. If, like last year, it then loses colour, we just stick it outside with fairy lights and pretend that was the original plan. A friend has stuck a branch of pine in a bucket of sand - it looks a little sad but does the job and was free - that might be me next year on my frugal living mission. Have a lovely Christmas. Betty x

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  3. Laura - Fake one with an air freshner maybe? I don't know what you mean about last year's tree

    Betty - Sounds like you enjoyed the tree torture. frugal living mission? tell me more

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  4. Auntie Gwen - Same to you too! May your stocking be full of Toblerone, Gin and maybe even a man!

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  5. Ah yes. For some reason the language is similar in our house on tree putting up day too. We gave up on real ones years ago when the dog started chewing it. Despite it being a fake one - with a stand that fits perfectly, we/he always manages to get the wrong stand out the loft and tries to make it fit with little bits of wood and blue tac on the legs to stop it slipping on the wood floor. Every year we/he says we must chuck all the old stands out and every year we forget.
    Maybe we could send them all to you?

    Hope your bastard tree is twinkling beautifully today - Happy Christmas!

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