Monday, 8 November 2010

Cliff Richard, bad sex and ebay

I would rather stick pins in my eye than do any of the following:
  • Put things on to ebay. I hate it with a passion. It is penury. All that finding the stuff, weighing up if you need it or not, photographing, writing the description etc etc. Then there is the actual selling itself. The inane questions. The winner bidder who never actually pays you. Then slags you off for selling your product to someone else. *cough tosser
  • Mop up sick. I don't do bodily fluids very well. Having written this sentance I can already predict that within the next few days either the dog( particularly grusome ) or one of the kids will be sick.
  • Go to Primark. I just can't see the bargains, I can't feel the quality and I actually have Primarkology, a phobia of going in. I have only managed to go in a couple of times which was very early in the morning and was something akin to a trolley dash as my sister and Iran through grabbing stuff for Christmas presents for our teenage concerns. I absolutely hate it with a passion. In fact any where that doesn't have a rack of clothes specifically for me in my size only, my favoruite colour and suits me to a tee I don't really like.
  • Managing your finances. I collect the recipts and once a month I will reconcile everything then shred it. That's the theory anyway. It depresses that there is not more dosh to go around and I find the whole thing tedious. No matter how careful I budget there is never enough money left over to buy me that holiday, piece of jewellry, the saucy underwear or the Kurt Geiger boots I long for. I need to find either a big wodge of money stuffed that slipped down the sofa, win the lottery and fast or a rich man.
  • Speaking with school. After years of He-man being the trail blazer at school I dread the phone call. It brings me out in hives. I must remember it is not I who has committed the crime and equally not all news is bad news Note to self do not look so shocked when he gets paid a compliment, in which case it is very much down to me
  • Package holidays. I am not one of the pack, I sit outside of the herd and I don't like people telling me what to do especially on holiday. I have haven't been one since I departed from Glasgow airport some 20+ years ago with a a plane load of drunkards who then set fire to the coach transporting us to our Turkish resort at 3am.
  • Rudeness. Closely followed by pettiness. It doesn't pay to be either of those things and you get so much more back when you are nice. Smiling is much more fun and laughing burns up more calories than frowning. Go on crack a smile now.
  • Housework - it does seem to be woman's work but I'm trying to set a good example by getting He-man to do his fair share. He has already learnt to hate ironing, they both fight over the hoovering if it is offered as a choice against any other duty and they both think emptying the dishwasher is a major chore. I just wish they knew how to fill the damn thing and that things do not mysteriously jump in there. And if they did the Pucking potato ricer would fit in just fine. I yearn for the days when I used to have a cleaner.
  • Cliff Richard - dont ask, he brings me out in hives and I will leap across a room to turn off a tv or radio with him on it.
  • Be left wondering. I like to know where I stand. I think Hot date understands this. Ole Twinkly eyes didn't. That goes for work too - please don't play games. I hate office politics just tell me how it is and we'll go from there.
  • calendars - I would rather choose my own, my kids don't like them and certainly don't want 2 or 3 if not more. Please leave these off the Christmas list
  • Bad sex - rather go with out. Fortunately I don't appear to be having that problem at the moment.
  • I could also live with out beetroot, fish, pastis, Eastenders, Kate Humble, a few people at work..
So if you spot a puke covered Cliff Richard calendar on ebay then I have probably put it on there.


  1. You made me laugh today Well done. You deserve a reward. Pick

    Humor is what the world needs more of and you help along the way!

  2. Why thank you
    ,there is a cliff Richard calendar on its way to you

  3. ... and I was just thinking about 2011 calendars, I have wet wipes (for the puke you understand) and I can visualise a lovely print of Cliff Richards umbrella in one hand, tennis racket in the other ... 'singing in the rain'.

  4. LANCASTRIAN FRIEND11 November 2010 at 21:44

    Swap you half an hour in Primark for 10 mins in Claires. Hate the place, have to visit it every shopping trip with K. Been to the ones in Leeds, York, Castleford,Manchester , Newcastle and Orlando to name just a few. It's all the same stuff!!! Also do I look as though I need a basket NO!!!
    Thank you I feel better for that xxx
    Note to self don't organise or tell Mrs W what to do on our jaunt at Easter; remember she is not one of the herd but a bit of a lone wolf really. xx

  5. Hi Lancastrian friend - I hope you feel better after your wee rant