I run. I run to combat stress of daily life. I run to combat the cakes I like to eat and the wine I like to drink. I run to get rid of excess energy when I have mother-to-teenager combat. I run very fast then. I also run very fast when we have contact from the Dark Side, (Mr ex ) of which we had an occurence last week.
On Friday as I was about to dash out my daughter pointed out my nipples. I was wearing a new-don't-knock-me-over-in-the-dark-bright-pink top. Apparently I was sporting a Rachel look as in her off Friends. " Rub 'em mum then they'll go down " She advised. What crap advice that was, the more I rubbed the bigger they got. What was I to do? Feck it, I went anyway as am used to car toots etc as I run. I swear if I had three heads and a hunchback I'd still get them.
That, I thought, was the end of that. Then half way round I got chronic stomach pains. The sort you get after eating a dodgy curry. Only I hadn't had the pleasure. Never mind, thought I, soldier on. The cramps were getting worse. I can't be running that fast I thought. I started to think of the horror stories people had told me of marathon runners getting caught short and having to shit themselves or have a dump at the side of the road. Marathon runners! I'm doing a quick 6K before tea. By now I was in absolutely agony but still running with buttocks clenched extremely tightly. I also cursed my decision to abandon the full length Lycra jobbies ( geddit ) for the short cropped pants. If I do shit myself, I'm thinking, it is going to dribble down my leg for the whole world to see on their way home on a Friday night. This could be my ultimate embarrassing moment. By now I was in a bit of state, the dog was looking at me bizarrely and eventually I had to let rip. There was a clap of thunder as I did the largest fart ever and then continued to run out of sheer embarrassment. Thinking the fart might have alleviated the situation I felt a bit happier but now the flood gates were open and I thunder clapped my way along until I could run no more. I dropped to a stagger clutching my stomach thinking any minute now any moment I am going to FOLLOW THROUGH!
Needless to say my trainers are still white and never have I rushed to the bathroom so quickly. The sharing person that I am I told She-ra who felt it was too much information but very funny and even funnier that I shared it with Hot Date. "Mum, there are just some things you shouldn't do..."