Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Hold on I'm naked

Guest post by Grumps.

Last night as we retired Mrs Grumps became distressed at the presence of a huge (sic!) spider in the bathroom. I was already in bed semi-comatose (thank you gin, chardonnay and bourbon) and said I would deal with the humongous interloper in the morning. I do not kill spiders or any other creatures if I can help it, preferring to relocate them.

After my early morning three miler I was abluting away in the bathroom, absolutely naked, when I spied said arachnid. This was one of those things with a tiny body and great long legs rather like an insect world Cyd Charisse. Thankfully it was past putting up much resistance and fighting back so I scooped it up and gently cupping it in both hands I entered the bedroom where Mrs Grumps was topping up her daily ration of ghastly home renovation TV.

“Can you open a window and I will dispose of your tormentor?” I announced gallantly.

Mrs Grumps immediately sprang up and hurtled to the closed window blind and made to open it. Nothing galvanises Mrs G into action faster than the prospect of immediate spider intimacy.

Realising my own predicament I said. “Hold on; I'm naked. Can you wrap a towel around me?”

When in close proximity to spiders Mrs Grumps does not do cool, clear, logical trains of thought. She returned with a hand towel which did not have the even 50% covering capacity. So in my own inimitable manner I suggested that she exchange the towel for something more substantial. Just then the spider entering into the surreal spirit of the moment tried to make a break for it as Mrs G was attempting to secure a bath sized piece of Mr Terry’s best around me; not easy doing a Roman knot in a thick towel on a third party trying to cope with an enraged many legged thingy. Think rubbing head and patting stomach simultaneously.

Eventually, with spider again safely confined in cupped hands and Mrs G crouched behind me holding the towel securely, so I thought, I reached up and carefully dropped my adversary out of the open upper window. Mrs Grumps chose that exact moment to sneeze and giggle uncontrollably all at the same time and dropped the towel. I am displayed at 08.30 in the morning, naked to the world in the bedroom window of our flat facing the main road, gherkin and two capers (way past Meat & 2 Veg at my age) well in view. Thank God there was no pedestrian passers bye down below on the pavement. But I have since had funny looks from a couple of fishermen who were tending to their own tackle on the other side of the estuary!’


  1. I just laughed out loud at 'gherkin and two capers' then had to try and explain why I was laughing to my two children. For the record, they favour 'nads' (typical teenage boys), but my Mum used to go out with a Frenchman who called his bits 'thomas and his assistants'.

    Those poor fishermen. They might need therapy!

  2. Thomas & his assistants? I love it