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Sunday, 29 August 2010

..so then I stabbed it!

I have just returned from 5 days in Cornwall. Camping. We borrowed just about everything to enable to go on this journey of discovery. I will now share with you our discoveries: ( some of which can be applied to any holiday type)

  • That camping is not cheap, in fact it is bloody expensive buying all that clobber. Hence the borrower I be.
  • We stayed at a lovely site, close to the beach. Great for little kids however it did seem to have more than its fair share of teenage intolerant campers. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. May your children grow up in to tattooed slappers.
  • That I should have put more effort into finding roof bars. I think I could have won a Guinness World Record with the amount of stuff rammed into the car.
  • Should have allowed longer for packing and been more ruthless with "stuff."
  • Forgetting to pack your teenage son's electric shaver was a major incident and do instructions for shaving your legs apply to your face. The cuts on his wee bonce would say otherwise.
  • Peoples' definition of luxury differs. The campsite claimed they had luxury toilet/shower block. Hoorah I thought. I think the luxury was the fact that they existed and hey you have a door too. Ahem.
  • On the toilet front - when camping if you need a poo don't leave until the last minute. The dash across a field in the hope that there is a spare cubicle free is not dignified.
  • and on the poo note. Who the F*ck smeared shit all over the cubicle door. This is a luxury establishment don't you know?
  • Don't stand up if there is a lantern above your head. Still have the bump. In fact best tip is to spend much of your time in the tent hunched over. This is saying something as the family token dwarf.
  • Never has charging your phone in a warm launderette seemed so appealing.
  • You still get chavs on campsites.
  • You develop "mummy"skin - apparently -so I am told harrumph.
  • You wear the same things every day - see earlier note on packing. She-ra had taken 2 -3 outfits per day. He man stayed in more or less same tracky bots all week and I flaunted my new Benetton denim skirt until the weather forced me back into jeans.

  • At no time did any of us need the coats my sister insisted we take for the midnight pee run. Bladders are all intact on this side of the family thank you very much.
  • Surfers look cool to my kids, spesh the tats n piercings n baggy shorts. Lord give me strength. I am particularly fascinated in their vacant expressions dude.
  • The weather forecast is your bible. The weather forecast lies in Cornwall.
  • There is a skill to getting an earwig of one sleeping pod. IE don't unzip as it vanishes with the shake of Harry Potter's wand and you wake up with it crawling out of your hoodie sleeve.
  • Yes that's right hoodie. for my summer holiday night attire I wore bed socks, pj's, 3 tees, a very thick hoodie (with hood up) under thick sleeping bag and car rug. I remember when all I used to wear on a summer night was sweat.
  • Question how do you have rumpy pumpy in a tent with all that clobber and the whole campsite listening?
  • If you have a nightmare and do that scary nightmare screaming the whole campsite will hear and look at you very strangely the next night.
  • You get a smug feeling when you hear a perfect family having a bolshy kid moment.
  • You develop tent envy.
  • You worry about daughter's morals as she spends much of the week plotting to steal a wooden pole to replace the missing one on the windbreak.
  • The windbreak in an ESSENTIAL camping item.
  • The family gas BBQ isn't an essential camping item.
  • At pot wash someone has camping envy of your posh BBQ. Maybe it is an essential item after all?
  • You sleep well- tis all that fresh air. Or maybe it was the Drowsy formula Benylin and brandy chasers you've taken to swigging as a nightcap. ( note to self maybe I could market it to replace RBV's)
  • Body boarding is fun and getting in and out of a wetsuit can take up much of the day.


  • On one of the few good weather days we spent a lovely evening on the beach, with friends, having BBQ, laughing and watching the sun go down. Larverley.

  • The stabbing incident. The f*ckin' airbed wouldn't go down when we were packing to go home. ( in the rain I might add). Daughter's deflated every night, mine deflated beautifully. He-mans' wouldn't budge. After sometime wrestling with the cap I did what any sane person would do. I stabbed it, several times.
  • Packing a tent away in the rain is akin to wrestling with a giant slug. Oh how we larfed.
  • Booking a hotel ( thank you Aztec Hotel Shire hotels) for the return with swimming pool, sauna, jacuzzi etc was my best decision ever.
  • Driving nearly 1000 miles meant lots of time in the car with my kids. However it was quality time. They spent most of it asleep or I learnt stuff from them. We talked! That was worth the journey alone.
  • That as predicted by the end of the holiday I have declared that we are NEVER holidaying in the UK ever again and am looking at hot and sunny with in 24hours of return.
  • any suggestions on a budget of the loose change found down the back of the sofa and a couple of sweetie wrappers? Camping you say.......

Monday, 23 August 2010

The one where you know should be doing other stuff but hey Sod it!

Right now I should be thinking about cooking tea.
Right now I should have in fact been trawling around IKEA trying to buy a pair of drawers for my son so I can clear the spare bedroom for my fathers arrival on Wednesday.
Right now I should be sorting out the ironing mountain before Wednesday
Right now I should be vacuuming the living daylights out of my house and home which has had an infestation of fleas and tapeworm whilst we have been away - hmm nice.
Right now I should be loading the washing machine up for the nth time.
Right now I should be drawing up a list of all the groceries we have run out of.
Right now I should be chilling with my daughter, hearing about her day.
Right now I should be doing stuff for my son.
Right now I should be tidying up the mayhem of looking after my niece and nephew for the day.
Right now I should stop looking at my mobile phone messages from hot boy and wipe the insanely big grin I have on my face following my hot date on Saturday.

Instead I have found myself checking IKEA online, for said chest of drawers, and before I knew it I was catching up on all the blogs I have missed whilst I have been away. It's like catching up with old friends. Sod all the other things I should be doing right now because right now I am enjoying getting up to speed with it all.

Monday, 16 August 2010

We both assumed roles; Me ... 'Concerned Mother', her 'Stubborn Teenager'

Hello there, I'm Laura, Mrs Worthington's Sister.

She asked me to bob by and leave you something to read in her absence ... so here you go ...

We both assumed roles; Me ... 'Concerned Mother', her 'Stubborn Teenager'

My Sister's texting makes me laugh. I think she texts blind; Quick fingers, eyes firmly shut.

A text last month went like this;

Late lunch on Sun, 3pm. Can you bring some lids, I'll supply the rest

I was sat with my Dad (Gramps) when we both received this same text. We looked at each other and said 'lids?' at the same time, with the same befuddled look. After a quick phone call, it turns out she wanted us to bring 'puds'.

Of course.

This week she is going camping to Cornwall. We had a phone conversation on Wednesday night about what she should take. We both assumed roles; Me ... 'Concerned Mother', her 'Stubborn Teenager'.

Me "You will be taking a coat won't you?"

Her "Why would I need a coat?"

Me "Durr, what if it rains or it's cold?"

Her "If it rains I will book myself into the nearest B&B"

Me "You HAVE to take a coat"

Her "No, I do not"

Me "I can't believe you are going camping without a coat"

Her "Well I am"

So a day later she sent a text;

Should I take rellies? I don't think I'll have room?

Seriously, is she going a bit mad I thought? Rellies? If she's referring to our family, most are dead and the rest wouldn't spend a night under canvas if you paid them a million pounds. If she's referring to She-Ra and He-Man (her offspring), and simply abandoning them so she can get the dog in the car then I should be calling social services.

Later she rang me "WELLIES! I meant WELLIES!".

Phew.

So, apparently she's thinking of taking wellies because they'll be handy if she needs to go to the toilet in the middle of the night.

Can I just say that, talking from experience, walking to the toilet block at 3am in your jamas and wellies will be bloody freezing without a coat.

Just saying.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Hold on I'm naked

Guest post by Grumps.

Last night as we retired Mrs Grumps became distressed at the presence of a huge (sic!) spider in the bathroom. I was already in bed semi-comatose (thank you gin, chardonnay and bourbon) and said I would deal with the humongous interloper in the morning. I do not kill spiders or any other creatures if I can help it, preferring to relocate them.

After my early morning three miler I was abluting away in the bathroom, absolutely naked, when I spied said arachnid. This was one of those things with a tiny body and great long legs rather like an insect world Cyd Charisse. Thankfully it was past putting up much resistance and fighting back so I scooped it up and gently cupping it in both hands I entered the bedroom where Mrs Grumps was topping up her daily ration of ghastly home renovation TV.

“Can you open a window and I will dispose of your tormentor?” I announced gallantly.

Mrs Grumps immediately sprang up and hurtled to the closed window blind and made to open it. Nothing galvanises Mrs G into action faster than the prospect of immediate spider intimacy.

Realising my own predicament I said. “Hold on; I'm naked. Can you wrap a towel around me?”

When in close proximity to spiders Mrs Grumps does not do cool, clear, logical trains of thought. She returned with a hand towel which did not have the even 50% covering capacity. So in my own inimitable manner I suggested that she exchange the towel for something more substantial. Just then the spider entering into the surreal spirit of the moment tried to make a break for it as Mrs G was attempting to secure a bath sized piece of Mr Terry’s best around me; not easy doing a Roman knot in a thick towel on a third party trying to cope with an enraged many legged thingy. Think rubbing head and patting stomach simultaneously.

Eventually, with spider again safely confined in cupped hands and Mrs G crouched behind me holding the towel securely, so I thought, I reached up and carefully dropped my adversary out of the open upper window. Mrs Grumps chose that exact moment to sneeze and giggle uncontrollably all at the same time and dropped the towel. I am displayed at 08.30 in the morning, naked to the world in the bedroom window of our flat facing the main road, gherkin and two capers (way past Meat & 2 Veg at my age) well in view. Thank God there was no pedestrian passers bye down below on the pavement. But I have since had funny looks from a couple of fishermen who were tending to their own tackle on the other side of the estuary!’

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Panting

It actually hurts here * tapping chest *. I can feel something. That something is deep down and dirty lust. After dissing the Internet thing first time round I have gone back in there and have had hot pursuit from a younger, rather gorgeous, man. Is it possible to build up such a rapport with someone without ever having met them? We have exchanged over million text messages and emails several times a day and racked a couple of hours on the phone. He's got me hook line and sinker. It's his sense of humour you see - it gets me every time. There is proper roll on the floor laughing, tear down your face, grins from cheek to cheek, you get the picture. So now I am seriously worried about my impending date on Sunday. I have just checked out his piccies again, just to double check. Yup the ol' brain to fanny mechanism is working nicely. Read his emails again. Yes Mrs Moist is back in the room. But what if, when seeing the real live living flesh hot rod, I get the shivers but not in a nice way. And what's even worse is what if he gets the same about me. We are laughing at the moment about the staggering 5 years age difference, me being a mature woman an' all, but what if the reality of paper skin, incontinence, beards and memory loss a real turn off. He may joke about the ideal woman having the body of a 25 y old and the income of a 55y old but what if its true? Argh! I know there are about another 10000 texts and email to go before Sunday. I know that there will be cold feet, on my part, on Sunday too. I also know I could throw caution to the wind and have a bloody good time too. Fingers crossed ..... but not my legs.
Mrs Moist over and out.