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Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Vital Statistics

With the stress of exams now over we, I mean He-man, now has the stress of finding a job to tide him over the summer, fuel his passion for clothes, music and festivals. He is about to start learning how unfair life is, being motivated, savvy and street wise counts for an awful lot. To motivate him I gave him a rough idea of how much spondooly, cash to you and me, he would have after 9 weeks of earning. That seemed to get his attention. We started on his CV last night ( note that I say we and not he, he doesn't have a clue .)

Name: He-man
Address; God's great county
DOB: depends who asking - 18 for ID purposes
Education
In addition to waiting results for gcse's. Have got A's in following
Hacking off mother
Eating huge amounts of cereal
Mumping
What chocolate?"
Financial irresponsibility
Deafening music
Evaporating out of clothes and leaving them on the floor
Keeping trousers firmly below arse cheeks
Knowing when to give mum a hug
Sleeping
Debating
Oblivious to any form of domestic chores.

After school activities: Rugby rugby and more rugby. When he played for the school he was captain but the team dissolved. When he could be bothered, he coached the little kids. Ar.
Also attended after school revision classes ( how can you put that in mum? he cried, I had to because I had been slacking. No son, I replied, you did it to ensure you got the grades )

Work experience;
Paper boy - 1 year in the rain and the snow, every afternoon straight after school. Personally I was really impressed at how he went out in all weathers. ( don't put that in mum I got sacked, he moaned. No son, I replied, you left because your paper round clashed with your revision clashes and studies came first. He looked at me in disbelief )
Baby sitting - on the odd occasion he has done this for friends and is very good at with ankle biters particularly when it comes to biffing.

Outside interests:
Rugby Rugby and rugby. Up to the age of 13 he played 9 hours out of school of both union and league. Hence the muscles and the nickname of Hench. now it's just 3 hours.
Music- many Spotify playlists which increased significantly during revision.
Biking - currently sporting a huge scab on elbows and massive bruise on hip after being knocked off by a random car driver
Cooking - You what? I cried, what cooking? I love cooking, he declared, you just don't know what I like to cook. Now I am intrigued, other than cereal+milk+bowl combo and toast ( vast quantities ) + chocolate spread + peanut butter I am left wondering what he has been cooking and for whom. I left a wish for a good curry for tonight but he walked away laughing.

He should add in a wicked sense of humour and massive general knowledge. But am not sure what job that would qualify him for; panellist on Mock the Week?



Monday, 28 June 2010

Two buses at once!

Bleddin' typical! I had already resolved not to renew my membership dating Internet shenanigans when on the last day ( today in fact ) I get 2 messages. Both from nice guys, one in particular. So I have replied because I was brought up a good girl and have been totally honest with them. Well as honest as I could be; I didn't think now was the time to talk about thrush and my moustache. Do I renew my membership? Well actually no because I am too busy for the effort a relationship might take. However do I give out my email address? Well I have - to one of them anyway.

Meanwhile OTE and I went out for a coffee the other day and it was rather lovely. He may even come to my housewarming on Saturday. Though I will be amazed if he does. Unfortunately the Brain to Fanny mechanism didn't kick in and I was back to being Mrs Moist by the time I reached the bottom of my coffee cup!

Thursday, 24 June 2010

High Waisted Trousers & Shiny Shoes

This is where I get gushy. No I have not met some gorgeous hunk "ont tinterweb" who meets the "criteria" but have just deposited my son at his mates house pre prom. Since his exams finished a week ago we have slowly, each day, lost a bit of Kevin the teenager and instead been He-man the humorous, happy to help always free for a chat and a hug. He is the cheekiest-push-your-buttons-till-it-hurts-boy I know but he's my boy and right now I am very proud that we have managed to get through the exams without killing each other. That will be on results day. In the meantime here's my boy in a pair of normal trousers, no crotch round his knees, no underpants showing and clean shiny shoes....and v proud mum.





Monday, 21 June 2010

The Gallery - Creatures


At last a Gallery I can have a go at. Well try anyway.
Creatures is a challenging title and I could have gone all exotic but the creature I love most is...the dog and more dogs.
Winnie, Winston,Tessa, Coco and Lola. Hamsters and more hamsters, Wilma, Andy ( the biggest bollocks EVER) and Buster, numerous gold fish and one fork tongued cat. I am chief dog turd collector ( I should get lapel pin ) and can even say that my preferred dog turd collecting weather is either very hot, ie baked or frosty, ie frozen. Soggy, ew, no way but duty bounds. Last night we had the unusual experience of the clinker and I just couldn't go there. I have good bagging technique too. Whilst the black beast is well trained I wish she was as obedient as her cousin, although fortunately she doesn't crotch sniff like the brown bear. I am trying to stop her over feistiness with other dogs; she likes to be top dog. I can go just about anywhere with her without being on a leash, including running. Everyday is a groundhog day and she bounds down the stairs with such excitement despite being left whilst we are all out working or at school. They say dogs take after their owners.....? What am I saying here?

I am sure as the teenagers get older I will be left with just a dog for comfort or maybe these other creatures will do instead?

Saturday, 19 June 2010

You'll find me in the broken biscuits aisle

Regular readers will note that I had been champing on about my desperate need to get dating and was looking at various Internet dating sites to join. And join I did. Out of the blogs that I follow regularly there seems to have been a theme emerging over the past week or so of blogging in the list stylee - see my sister's blog or a more sombre feel such as Notes from lapland or Fab Feisty and Fifty. I have felt myself flitting between the two as I got more depressed about the whole men, dating, Internet, relationships thing so as I wrote my shopping list this morning for my groceries in the back of my head I could hear a little voice saying...

Welcome to supermarket sweep where you can flog yourself to other people who may or may not want to date you. If you want to handle the goods you have to let them know but don't be surprised if they can't be bothered to get back to you. Manners aren't considered de rigeur these days.

Aisle 1 - Deluded goods - oh please why does man in his 50's have his age criteria for the ideal female right down to the mid 20's. They are batting way out of their league. I have been that person ( the younger one see Aisle 7 for female version) and whilst age differences don't matter as much in your 20's and 30's once your partner hits late forties early 50's bits start dropping off and their best friend telephone number is the GP and the dentist. Needless to say that when they state Ian, 49 he is no doubt actually Frank, 55.
Aisle 2 - Permanent Bachelor goods - I find it a little strange that a man can get to mid 40's and has not had a single long term relationship. Surely they have manged to clock a couple of years somewhere along the way?
Aisle 3 - Smoking goods - as an ex smoker of many years past I physically retch when I sit near someone who smokes. The idea of putting my tongue in there...ew?
Aisle 4 - Slaphead goods - There are lot of these in my age bracket. My ex husband was one which makes it even harder when looking at another shiny bald pate bouncing the light off you as they all start to look the same.
Aisle 5 -The weirdos - yes there are plenty and some of the photos they post are down right suspect. I tend to avoid the ones who look naked in a head and shoulders shot because you what? they usually are.
Aisle 6 - Grey Head aisle - I tend to find I am lingering a little longer in this aisle, particularly if they are of the George Clooney colouring. Sadly there are not that many of them.
Aisle 7 - Cougar country - I was startled, slightly flattered but mainly outraged by the fact that guys as young as 23 were wanting to meet up. At that age they should be pulling them of the walls not having to trawl through dating sites. What's wrong with them? Or maybe that's it,; there is something wrong with them.
Aisle 7 - Broken Biscuits aisle . This is where you will find me along with the others who are damaged goods, second or third hands at this game or with baggage in the shape of children of any age. And it was with this realisation that that is what I am, an ageing second hand rose with a lot of baggage that maybe I am not ready for dating just yet ( despite my interlude with Ole Twinkly eyes who is now beginning to look an attractive option if this is the pool I have to fish from) and that maybe internet dating really isn't the place for someone like me who is old school when it comes to dating and the rules of attraction. So I shall be dashing my trolley through the aisles and heading for the hills to lick my wounds. I would like to meet someone else but not when they are probably flicking between http://www.match.com/ , thai brides, and doing their weekly shop.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

twitter ye not

I have new phone. High technology that He-man feels is really wasted on me, particularly since his has just given up the ghost , and I should just hand it over to a more worthy recipient. But I have persevered and am now on line, mapped up, and getting to grips with twitter. So if you want to follow my 140 words on rambling go to mme worthington and sign up. Don't judge my most recent tweet as typical standard as am suffering from an untypical hangover which needs feeding; almond croissant, coffee, banana, nectarine, star bar, coke, ibuprofen and 2 slices thickly buttered toast. It's wasn't quantity but mixing my drinks. When will I learn?

Which brings me onto Hangover Cures. What works for you? Abstinence? In my youth it would have been a Big Mac and coke, worked every time. As I got older either my capacity increased, I realised how awful MacDonalds are, or I had just grown used to them and didn't really suffer. I went through a spell of Red Bull being the best antidote especially if consumption had been combined with a very late night. Hair of the dog was also a typical cure in my younger days per children.Latterly chocolate and coke do the trick. As I drifted in and out of sleep this morning aware that at some point I had to take She-ra to be at one with the hosses I thought A) never again ( how often have I thought that ) B ) what did I do that was different C) when will I learn ( never clearly ) D ) maybe I should give up alcohol all together. Spirits wouldn't be a problem despite a Renaissance in GnT but that chilled glass of rose on a warm summers evening, or the cold beer on a Friday night after work or that meaty red that goes so well with your food. Nah I just couldn't give that up. So in different parts of the North my sister & I spoke this morning she too suffering from a combo of late night and too much gin and the dilemma of what was going to nail that wobbly sweaty thumping head feeling. As penance I went to the bottle bank with the last 3 month's worth and was pleased that there seemed to be more empty nutella and jam jars than wine bottles. So what's your cure, please do tell?

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Fungus the bogey lady

I have discovered over the years that as I don't deal with stress ( as in I don't acknowledge it and therefore it doesn't exist, get over it you wimp) my body does. So I don't find housemoving stressful, tiring maybe, but not stressful but guess what, my body does. So a month in to our happy home I am pleased to say that whilst I no longer have the Finger of Doom which was my previous stress barometer I am less pleased to say that I have developed fungal signposts instead. So starting form the neck down. First there is the patch of eczema on my neck that just wont go away and itches like mad. It glares red and flares up when I have to go to a swanky do. Then moving south, (Dad and other gentleman readers you may want to look away at this point,) I have thrush. Thrush should is a pretty little bird that hops merrily round the garden pulling up worms. Who thought that it would be a good idea to name your madly itching lady garden, and if you a really lucky discharge to boot, after a bleedin' bird. Where is the similarity? And it was with mine own madly truly itching lady garden that I took myself off to Boots ( one far away from home ) whereby I was given the 10th degree by the male pharmacist on my condition. I could have quite gladly grabbed his leg like a humping dog to relieve the itchiness but instead stood there trying not to be embarrassed about my condition whilst I collected my bumper pack of Canesten. Whilst the relief is almost instantaneous to be quite honest the chalky otuput I could well do with out. There is enough going on down there to mark out a game of hop scotch.
Moving further south from vadge to foot I have contracted a verruca. I blast it with everything going, am operating strict towel allocations etc and it is getting bigger. I think it is doing it to spite me. GO AWAY! It's like the icing on the bleedin' cake or foot in this instance. I have never ever had a verruca in my puff. I am giving it one more month and then going against the grain I will have to haul my ass to the Dr. Diagnosis; stress. Duh!

Friday, 4 June 2010

He-man speak

I was not sure what to expect this week being just the two of us, three including the rabbit scaring dog. Would it be more grunting? Would I even see him? What about the revision? Would we eat together? well I have been more than pleasantly surprised.




First he left a lovely note on our notice board for his sister to read before she left for Spain. She was touched.


He was disappointed to find out I was gong to be at work early every day.


He has done loads of jobs without it being a major argument or any argument in fact.


He has missed me when I'm not there.


I have had more impromptu bear hugs ( my ribs are still a bit sore but hey ) than I care to remember.


The place I least like to go, Ikea, was an absolute joy with him as we looked for inspiration on the cheap and came to agreements on which furniture to buy him.


We even went Prom suit shopping today and that was cool too. It was so touching seeing him get measured up. 40" chest - that'll be the rugby!

Revisionwise I still think he in secret training to become a circus clown performing on his very small BMX given the amount of time he spends on it at the park. He even has the ridiculously large shoes and baggy trousers so he could supply his own outfit. I still would prefer to see him putting in more effort and I am not convinced that he uses appropriate revision techniques but only time will tell. But more importantly however we managed more than one civil conversation. I just have to stop there, get this, I used the word CONVERSATION and He-man in the same sentence! Can you believe he can talk as well as grunt!. Any way....one conversation normally guaranteed to cause fireworks was about his education, so I listened to how he felt his exams had gone so far, what he expected the outcome to be and how delighted he was that A level Spanish is back on for 6th form to which he most looking forward.


We have dined on our favourite food such as steak and blue cheese sauce and curry.


Yes we still have a couple of days to go and it could all go tits up but we have had several days of pleasantness and I for one have really enjoyed his company. The pic is of a by gone era when I think he was 4 and she 3. An age when you make all the decisions and can tuck them up in bed at night way before you climb the wooden hill. I think its the other way round these days.