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Sunday, 28 February 2010

He-man has gone veggie. He-man doesn't eat vegetables. He-man likes bacon butties and meaty curries. He hates onions and doesn't like tomato based sauces. I am currently ignoring this current phase and noted when he wolfed down the Pepperoni pizza last night that he had no problems eating the pepperoni. Why don't you pick it off, She-ra suggested. Can't be arsed, he grunted. I don't think he is really behind the whole veggie thing. It will be interesting to see if eats some of the veggie dishes daughter and I enjoy this week. I am trying to work out what started this as I do recall a conversation earlier in the week when he was going on about eating too much red meat. This is not a problem in my house as we don't eat that much meat anyway but he was relating it back to having all sorts of illnesses. He should consider reigning in the whole dairy habit of 4 - 6 yoghurts a day and a pound of cheese washed down with more cheese. I wonder if he will eat a donkey burger when he goes to watch the rugby with his uncle tonight or if he will become all principled?

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Wet gussets

I know when I post this I am going to get sighs and oh no's. However it has been a shit week, anniversary of the big split and have been getting lots of unwelcome memories etc so you'll just have to indulge me. So I am in this meeting with a lot of men, all sports related, all pecs and testosterone, white teeth and smiles. All wanting your attention. I have some status at work. Even Ole Twinkly Eyes was in same meeting he of retired sportsman-cum-number-cruncher ( now there's a juxtaposition!) I am sure his subsequent conversation was more to do with staking his claim like a rutting stag then anything else but hey. Result - One wet gusset and one date with OTE - I know I know I shouldn't do it but my resolve weakened when he applied full on charm. Although he may get bumped as an old friend is back in town so he will still need to apply himself. I want a proper date and a leg over. Oh damn - wet gusset again.

Saturday, 20 February 2010

Boobs

Boobs are big in our house. My daughter, a.k.a as Boobzilla, has the most amazing pair. I too once drew envious sighs from my own mother who looked at hers and likened them to empty shopping bags. I now know how she feels. Cleavage is only achieved through finding the right bra, scooping them up and tying them down. The image is lost once it comes off - oh the sadness. once as a Christmas present for My Ex I had a cast made of my boobs. That was a fun evening. I remember my friend who had obliged leaving the cast of them on her back door as a surprise for the milkman the next day. I kept them post split after all they are mine. I even remember my sister making a huge papier mache pair for me once. You can imagine the looks on the removal men when I strolled the drive with one in each hand before stuffing them into the bin.

Meanwhile She-ra has no idea the effect her zepplins have and is oblivious that the little vest top she is wearing is having a devastating effect on the males around her. When I tell her to hike the said top up for the nth time her eyeballs roll spectauluary to the back of her head.

When she was due her first proper bra I took her to my fave lingerie shop. Granted I knew I would be leaving a significant wad lighter but she would be in good hands quite literally. The shop assitant is hoiking them up, pushing 'em in, rearranging nips etc - all quite daunting for a youngster but she took it all in her stride. The owner was very diplomatic and understanding of the needs of a young lady. She was only 11 - we are early starters in my family.

Still every time I bra shop with She-ra I can't help but picture my mum laughing at the FF cup sizes and putting the said garment on her head as an alternative chapeau. She-ra FF v mum DD. She-ra wins.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

ole ole twinkly eyes

It's definitely over. The passion gone. The thumping heart so passe. I am no longer as smooth as silk and the the plucking, exfoliating days are already over, the sexy knicks at the back of the drawer. And am I bovvered? No. No more could I stand the dates that involved yet another episode of Inspector Frost and a (dirty ) glass of wine in the coldest flat this side of Serbia. His latest attempt to woo me was a text stating Am not doing much, bottle of wine and a footie match on TV? Do I fancy it? Do I f*ck! I realised I was going out with a teenage boy stuck in a man's body. In fact I am doing teenage boys a discredit as my son puts more effort into his relationship. Anyway stroll on by Ole Twinkly Eyes as your time is done.

mozzarella boobs

Yesterday I struggled in a changing booth to get a sports bra on. It was for high impact sports. I run. My old bra was built for someone a lot bigger than me for I am like a Russian doll getting increasingly smaller. ( by the time I get to be an old woman I will have disappeared. ) I have realised that if I continue to run with said bra that it wont be long before I can use my boobies as slippers. However never has a bra been so painful to put on. I so wished I had a camera with me so I could have documented the contortions I had to get into in order to get the damn thing on. It just furthered my resolve that Marks & Spencer's don't do good bras and for god sakes don't let them measure you! You will end up with boobs looking like goat's udders - I nearly did until I found a good local lingerie shop who whipped me into shape got my down by 2 cup sizes and my breasts pointing upwards. What a revelation! What a confidence booster! I should have been on commission as many a friend has since been to self same shop and walked with amazing boobs and even better self confidence. Which brings me back to me struggle in an M&S changing room. If you want your boobs to look like bags of mozzarella stroll on in if not? You know the answer.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

It's half term and it is a week of fix this and mend that coupled with teenage stroppiness ( again! I am getting a bit sick of it .) First the car headlights went en route through dark back country lanes on Saturday night. I nearly papped myself. The kids were very good until He-man realised that I would not get him home in time to go out with mates - how inconsiderate of me. The intense concentration of driving in complete darkness meant I had the beginnings of a migraine by the time I arrived home - once had never ever forgotten and went into a mad panic trying to find ibuprofen and migralief. She-ra had hurt her neck having to turn around to let me know how many car drivers were gesticulating at me. ( I didn't ask her to do this she volunteered. ) The upside is I have found a new garage within 5 minutes walking distance of my house full of friendly mechanics who didn't lift my leg to get the car sorted.
The laptop cable has died, thanks to She-ra abuse, and being Dell it looks like I will have to bite the bullet and by from them.
I also thought the oven had died but again She-ra, she of I-can't-resist-pushing-that-button-just-to-see-what-would-happen-fame, had been at it again. Now have solved the problem.
Having trawled a number of websites for possible holidays I am beginning to realign my aspirations from hot sunshine and villa to canvas and wet week in Edinburgh ( although I know said week will be full of larfs so that will more than make up for it .)
Am also trying out a new tactic on He-man. After some serious flouting of the rules i.e. let me know where you are and don't stay out all night kinds rules, I have come up with a new strategy for punishment. Firstly keep conversation to bare minimum eg your tea is in fridge. Second don't show him how to use microwave ( to quote me " you have been told to do more reading for your English GCSE so you can start with the microwave manual .) His jaw actually dropped when I sadi this. Next all his dirty washing is currently his responsibility. So one very muddy rugby kit is festering on his bedroom floor. Finally, well for the moment anyway, his replacement ipod and mobile has arrived ( post mugging ). I am with holding my limited I.T. talents that will enable him to transfer all his previous ipod music onto new ipod. He can't quite believe that all of these little trivialities are happening. The result: A loving son who has given me big hugs today. Still a bit stroppy that I will not A not give new ipod and phone or B that I will get it up and running for him but I will not loosen my resolve.
With that I went out for along walk with recently made single mother of one of his friends who I don't know very well. We walked round the park in glorious sunshine and have come away with an offer of another camping holiday and a good laugh at life and ourselves.

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Youth activator!



Do you ever stop and wonder what an EARTH are you doing woman!




I found myself doing just that when I was rubbing Lancome Genifique - youth activator into my face every night and day. Restorative powers, youthful all the usual bull shit. Then I looked at what I was actually rubbing into my mush. I declare that Lancome are selling bottled wank! It squirts out of the bottle in an unpredictable manner. It is just a little too runny to be a creme. It has a wank-like translucency. I haven't tasted it yet but I guess it would score highly here too.
Do they have a factory of wankers some where in eastern Europe manufacturing the stuff?
I would like to point out that I did not purchase said item it was freebie.

Sunday, 7 February 2010

leading by example


Feckin' hell! I would really like to blog about my 4 days away running up mountains and falling down hills but He-mans' recent activities have put my thoughts all askew. Anyway here goes....


I am recalling this backwards and ad hoc stylee: it kind of lends itself to the way we 16 were feeling whilst being bossed, ahem directed, about for the duration.


The day we were leaving we became snowbound. Panic set in with the single mums amongst us on how we were going to get the kids sorted. Frankly I wished I'd been snowed in at least a week.


" You must pack you back pack with the bare essentials and tomorrow morning we will walk to the nearest village where you will be collected. The rest of your belongings will be brought back in a few days "


OMG bare essentials. So what did I pack? My hair dryer, naturally, Jo Malone lip balm, my bra. Then I unpacked it and thought No! My handbag I absolutely need this !


Fortunately the walk was not needed and all our belongings and good selves were brought back together.


Day one - after being dumped in a car park and being told to navigate our way to our final destination whilst looking for clues en route we staggered across the Yorkshire moors gelling as a team. At one point one ( been there done it kinda guy ) member of the team shrieked "put these shower caps on now!" I looked to my right and saw a cliff full of shitting gulls. I was impressed with the foresight of the team managers to protect us from the corrosive nature of bird shit. But no it was just some daft task devised by those I came to know as The Devious Bastards.


For the next few days a variety of tasks unfolded revealing our strengths and weaknesses as team leaders. The class room tasks were undoubtedly the hardest as we were just so tired to get our brains functioning. Getting up at 6am to sit in a classroom for an hour whilst devising a paper to go to your Chief Exec is no joke. I had 2 tasks, one on the induction day the previous week where I performed terribly, and another on the first day. Given that the majority had been up since sparrow fart, with little to eat by the time it came to 4 pm, I was brain f*cked (technical term ). Myself and another unfortunate were given the nod and taken away for our briefing. I looked at them and smiled. " Can you repeat that " I said not once but three times and on the final time explaining that I was very tired and just couldn't take anything in. This did not bode well for my task at all which appeared to be a high energy short sharp one. Shit!



Well we succeeded. I do recall stripping off to my thermals in order to complete a task which meant certain team members had to be manhandled and pushed through small spaces. And as we kept failing it this was repeated a number of times. However we finished and I survived. What did I learn about myself? This was the best bit for me even thought I expected the worst. It gave me a huge confidence booster. After spending 2 years just trying to function post Mr Ex, ( seriously if I was ever brave enough to post what he did you would be amazed that we are still here - it's off the scale) it was good to hear some positives. Full of energy, laughing, joking, inclusive, firm but fair. I was so happy to hear all of that even the constructive ( not negative ) feedback was OK. Plus I will have a DVD soon of said feedback but I don't think I will be getting that one out at Christmas.

Red Onion! Was the object I took to represent myself on Induction day. Lots of layers, the essential ingredient in many a dish (just like my job ) and red because it's just a little bit more sophisticated.

I leave you with the game we played one night. I have already decided to play this with my mates. It was a bit like consequences. you write your name on the the bottom the paper, then you get 20 questions and each time you write and answer you turn over the paper to cover your answer and hand it to the next person. and our questions were:



1. What car will they be driving in 10 years?

2.If you were a movie star who would they be?

3. What colour would they be?

4. Ice cream or honey?

5. Which country would they be?

6. What song would they be?

7. Flip flops or wellies ( you would be amazed at the creative answers here )

8. What animal?

9. What fruit?

10. What would their pornstar name be? ( 1st pat and mothers maiden name )

11. What type of pudding would they be?

12. Lipstick lesbian or drag king?

13. What will they be doing in 10 years?

14. What type of holiday would they take?

15 Formal English -text or chav?

16. Describe their bedroom?

17. Which film star would they like to have passionate sex with?

18 What plastic surgery would this person have?

19. What type of sport does this person play?

20 If they were a TV channel which would it be?



Oh how we laughed!

Thursday, 4 February 2010

Away

I have just come back from 4 days leadership training. I had expected to blog about that as there were some truly hysterical moments. After all when building leadership skills you clearly have to be able to abseil, gorge walk, hang upside down of ropes etc etc. However famous last words before I went... "something always happens to the kids when I am away." This time it takes the biscuit. He-man almost got himself expelled on day 1 having decided it would be a good idea to do a flame throw in class whilst the teacher was out of the room, he somehow has managed to stay in the school by the skin of his teeth and two isolations later. Needless to say my punishments are far more severe and he is sulking now. If I hear " I am going to change " one more time that change might well be from living to dead. I thought it was bad enough that we will be lucky if he scrapes through on his gcse's, I didn't think I would also have to worry about actually keeping him in school too.

Both kids were staying with very good friend for first 2 nights but the nights turned into 3 when we were snowed in and unable to get home on the last day. Compounded by the fact that there had been no mobile phone reception at all and a dodgy pay phone trying to arrange emergency cover was difficult to say the least. The decision by my sister and VGF1 not tell me about He-man latest efforts was a good call. He has had to sweat it out for 4 days and I would have only worried MASSIVELY. Very good friend no 2 came to the rescue of snow bound mum and had them both overnight. Her husband en route to collect the winkies somehow managed to open his BMW car door into a police van and spent some time chatting with said boys in blue. Not good for a man in the legal profession. She-ra meanwhile was enjoying the excitement as very good friend no 2's daughter is on a pedestal, not least, for her expert use of eyeliner. Getting to share her bedroom for one night was like a dream come true. I must remember to thank VGFno2 for watching Embarrassing bodies on TV with my daughter during which she got to see a erect penis with a kink in it as VGF2 dived to turn it off crimson with embarrassment as She-ra reminded her that perhaps that wasn't such good TV as she is only 13. VGF2 did say that the said dick did come out of nowhere but ain't that always the case?