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Saturday, 1 August 2009

I'd like to return this faulty teenager please, Mr Shop Keeper

I have decided that I have got a faulty model and have thought about how the possible conversation might go....
Excuse me I'd like to get a refund please. My model 14y+50weeks seems to be faulty
Ah madam what would appear to be the problem
Well up until about 6 months ago it functioned quite normally. You would ask it to do something or engage in conversation and you would get a normal response
So what would appear to be the problem now
Well if you ask it the sames questions as 6 months ago it makes weird nosies. For a start if I say what would you like for tea? We get a weird groaning noise, stamping and slamming of doors. If I talk to its friends there's lots of highly embarrassing hand signals and groaning. Although apparently I make a good taxi.
Ah madam what model did you say this was?
14y+50weeks
Well that does explain it. It has gone into phase 2
What is phase 2?
Teenage years. What you are experiencing is all quite normal
What the grunting, slamming doors, inordinate amount of time spent in the bathroom?!
Yes
And the becoming a night owl overnight?!
Yes
The wearing of trousers 5 times too big for you so that your arse is continually hanging out?!
Yes madam
The fact I can no longer buy Tesco clothes and all clothes have to be from certain shops that I am not allowed to enter?
Oh madam it sounds lilke your model is functioning perfectly for its age
What about "I can be totally charming to all my mates parents but to you I am hell "?!
A speciality of that model I'm afraid
How about I am going out and will not answer my mobile phone and will stay out until I feel like coming home?!
Some models work on that basis I'm afraid
How about if I mention a girl's name and get lots of groaning and " you don't understand" noises at high volume
These are all very typical of that model madam
But it's driving me nuts. What about the amount of sleeping?
Yes teenagers need as much sleep as a new born baby. It's all that growing you see.
And the food? It requires refuelling almost constantly but not healthy stuff I'm talking chocolate biscuits consumed in vast quantities and in seconds and often to other similar aged models
Yes that too I'm afraid. We do try to encourage joining the family for meal times to help overcome the huge junk food ingestion but realise that this model is not always welcome at the dinner table due ot its attitude
Mine has a particular phobia to something called homework. I believe it is allergic and I seem to spend as much time at the school as he does.
Some models overeride the inner nerd but we can usually kickstart that 6 months pre gcse
How do you do that?
The inate fear of failure suddenly kicks in and the realisiation that some of their mates inner nerd button was functioning for quite some time
Oh well at least we can hope for better results.
There is a draw back to this though
oh really

it will all be your fault
Arghhhhh!

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