Thursday, 27 August 2009

House of hormones

Welcome to the house of jism. It is everywhere. It is all consuming. It has become He-man's obsession. The various signs over the past few months start to make sense. The mysterious globs in the bathroom sink, the one hand print against the huge bathroom mirrors, the very late to bed, the I-wasn't-watching-porn-look of innocence, the huge amount of time spent locked in said bathroom. Grandad has been giving him man-t0-man talks about the opposite sex, much welcomed by He-man to whom I can't even ask if he has used the bathroom without him going off on one. Apparently there are at least 10 stages with the opposite sex and He-man is at about a 4 -5. When discussing this on a recent night out this came as news to the other male role models in He-mans life. "what do you mean 10 stages?" they cried. We thought there were 2! " hello " and " wham bam thank you mam". These 10 stages have caused much merriment to my peer men folk. Could they be as follows?:

  1. Dare to look at women in eye
  2. Offer to hold open the door for lady
  3. Put one's cloak over a puddle
  4. Offer of one's handkerchief when lady in distress
  5. Offer to take out for afternoon stroll
  6. Suggest an evening at the flicks or A romantic meal for 2
  7. Footsie under the table
  8. The holding of hands
  9. Meeting of the parents
  10. A kiss goodnight

I think not and I don't want my father to enlighten me. We are guessing somewhere between suck and blow and copping a feel.

She-ra on the other hand is obliviously giving off the scent of sex to the opposite sex. When we walk down the street I want to put her in a burka to ward off the admiring glances from all ages. I have already looked up bulk purchases of mace. The pneumatic curves, the glossy hair and oblivious nature is very alluring. I'd like to think that maybe some of the glances by the older males might be directed at me but I don't think so. No glossy (& far too much grey) hair, a face covered in spots ( due to stress), clothes baggy from loss of weight, tits saggy too. I have the worries of the world written all over my face. She too spends huge amount of time in the bathroom but of a deplitory & cleanliness nature .

I must remember to buy that mace and bumper supply of tissues....
I went to see mum today. After 18 months of complete misery and stress it was good to feel happy again and I wanted to share it with her. It was just me and the dog, who goes very feral when we go to see her due to the huge amounts of rabbits. She has a fantastic view and someone has very kindly put a huge bench nearby so you can take in the view at your leisure. As I sat down Aretha Franklin " say a little prayer" came on - how fitting. We didn't say anything, just took in the view in the warm sunshine.It really did feel good to be without the whole churning stomach and racing heart and to be looking forward at last. When it was time to leave Iggy Pop came on " Passenger" - a song of my wild youth. We smiled and I left.

R.I.P mum R.IP. XX

Monday, 17 August 2009

Madness of grandad

madness of being grandad
My father has just been to stay. He has more toiletries than me. He spends longer in the bathroom than the entire family put together. Looking good is important to him. He does make the most ridiculous excuses for his vanity though. I have decided that he has an inner Noel Coward with a very clumsy side. Yes he has a special bag for his pyjamas, yes he carries his cigarettes in a large cigarette case, yes he travels all the way from overseas because he doesn't trust the local dentist, hairdresser and mechanic.He recently entered a photography competition to illustrate local life and sends pictures of dog poo ( can you imagine the person's face opening that entry), he opens cartons of orange juice with pen knives only to find their entire content spilling onto the floor ( why he can't do it the normal way ). Once when buying a bar of chocolate he reached out to the shelf and managed to rip his fingernail and blood was squirting everywhere. At night the local night life throw themselves into his eyes. I have learnt to keep lit candles away from him as he tends to knock hot wax all over his goolies. He tells me about his anti itch bollock cream - I wish he didn't. He regularly falls over his own feet the most recent being a spectacular tumble on a beach before he tombstoned. When he stood up his ( vintage ) raybans ( what else? ) were skewed and one lens fallen out. The women in his life, wifey, shera and me, gave full support by laughing. Other falls have included jumping over a wall only to discover a much greater drop on the other side and landing in front of a load of builders. Or tripping up in a pub and falling in front of a slobbering great Dane that was ready to take his head off. The exploding kethcup bottle is old news in our house and no meal time is complete without glass being broken, wine spilt and something going onto his latest purchase from Jaeger. The wrinklies have gone back now and we miss thier hilarity but we will be with them again soon and I can't wait to see what daft things he does next

Sunday, 16 August 2009

meet the dog

I have been meaning to write something about my best friend, the dog from the title of my blog. Black, shiny coat, mixed breed ( lab and collie with a bit of whippet thrown in for good measure ), ex-dog's trust, very faithful, squirrel scarer, rabbit hunter, cute and prone to making groaning noises as if in conversation with you. But other than the daily dog walk, breaking off a log that is way off the scale in proportion to her size, her need to be the dominant bitch with other dogs, sometimes with embarrassing consequences there isn't really that much to add....Until her accident. Not a bad accident, she cut her front dew ( how do you spell that? ) claw on some glass on one of her many hide and squirrel hunts. A trip to the vets, eye wateringly £250+ later ( we have no insurance ) she has stitches and a CONE. It is the wearing of the cone that has made me realise how much like her owner she really is. Whilst highly embarrassed at wearing it in public, displaying a real clumsy side ( like me ) by bashing into everything, me included and have the bruises to prove it, she also has realised that it has a second function. Utilising the Cone shape, as befitting any worthy whose-line-is-it-anyway contestant, she manages to; place it over her bowl to feed which means her visiting mates ( see Peanut ) can't get to her food before she can, she has used it to catch her ball in and probably best of all, the one she is most proud of, is that when given tit bits ( hey she needs fattening up ) she kind of saves bits on the inside of the cone. Think chicken juices that she can lick later. I'm very proud of her. The Cone gives her a regal Queen Elizabeth I quality but I think she will be quite glad to become a commoner again.

Saturday, 1 August 2009

I'd like to return this faulty teenager please, Mr Shop Keeper

I have decided that I have got a faulty model and have thought about how the possible conversation might go....
Excuse me I'd like to get a refund please. My model 14y+50weeks seems to be faulty
Ah madam what would appear to be the problem
Well up until about 6 months ago it functioned quite normally. You would ask it to do something or engage in conversation and you would get a normal response
So what would appear to be the problem now
Well if you ask it the sames questions as 6 months ago it makes weird nosies. For a start if I say what would you like for tea? We get a weird groaning noise, stamping and slamming of doors. If I talk to its friends there's lots of highly embarrassing hand signals and groaning. Although apparently I make a good taxi.
Ah madam what model did you say this was?
Well that does explain it. It has gone into phase 2
What is phase 2?
Teenage years. What you are experiencing is all quite normal
What the grunting, slamming doors, inordinate amount of time spent in the bathroom?!
And the becoming a night owl overnight?!
The wearing of trousers 5 times too big for you so that your arse is continually hanging out?!
Yes madam
The fact I can no longer buy Tesco clothes and all clothes have to be from certain shops that I am not allowed to enter?
Oh madam it sounds lilke your model is functioning perfectly for its age
What about "I can be totally charming to all my mates parents but to you I am hell "?!
A speciality of that model I'm afraid
How about I am going out and will not answer my mobile phone and will stay out until I feel like coming home?!
Some models work on that basis I'm afraid
How about if I mention a girl's name and get lots of groaning and " you don't understand" noises at high volume
These are all very typical of that model madam
But it's driving me nuts. What about the amount of sleeping?
Yes teenagers need as much sleep as a new born baby. It's all that growing you see.
And the food? It requires refuelling almost constantly but not healthy stuff I'm talking chocolate biscuits consumed in vast quantities and in seconds and often to other similar aged models
Yes that too I'm afraid. We do try to encourage joining the family for meal times to help overcome the huge junk food ingestion but realise that this model is not always welcome at the dinner table due ot its attitude
Mine has a particular phobia to something called homework. I believe it is allergic and I seem to spend as much time at the school as he does.
Some models overeride the inner nerd but we can usually kickstart that 6 months pre gcse
How do you do that?
The inate fear of failure suddenly kicks in and the realisiation that some of their mates inner nerd button was functioning for quite some time
Oh well at least we can hope for better results.
There is a draw back to this though
oh really

it will all be your fault