Thursday, 25 June 2009
"In the cupboard where they always are" I reply. He's been many times and knows his way round the kitchen.
"There's a jar and a new bag" I add
"No there isn't "
I produce said bag and decant into a new jar, show him the jar and where it is located.
"Well I didn't eat that this morning"
Well you have to ask don't you.
" What did you eat"
Dried pasta apparently.
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Why should she be upset over my bottom? Because dressed in only bra and knickers working up a sweat this morning whilst trying to get ready for work her clock fell off her bedroom wall. She couldn't fit it back so there I was balancing on a chair putting it back for her when jokingly I turned around and said " are you looking at my bottom? " which I then repeated for comedic effect a couple more times as everyone knows that repetition is a key part of comedy. I also did a couple of over dramatic turns with lots of hair swishing. Clearly a comedy moment if ever I saw one. Well clearly not in this case. Like I said I have upset her over my bottom and believe me if anyone should be upset over it I should be me. Are you looking at my bottom?
Monday, 22 June 2009
I know that I am going to regret posting this almost the minute I press the publish button but sometimes you just have to. After a few weeks of struggling with He man I think I have cracked him. Cracked as in broken him down, got him to comply with my rules, I am the winner! I could become a chief interrogator and torturer after the past weeks as I didn't crack and kept to my main aim - utter compliance. Unless you count the numerous bottles of wine consumed to get me through the ordeal and the tears down the phone to my sister at the sheer pain of having to live with a mumping teenager. What is it that they do that just cuts you to the core? The look, withering, the speech, snarling, the mood swings, the silence I could go on.
The secret was a total multi media ban coupled with complete withdrawl of motherly support ( read taxi driver, all round skivvy, cashpoint ) with an added grounding. First take the confiscation of the PS3 to the tune of I don't care. This was quickly followed with a ban of PC and therefore no MSN. As India Knight has already declared that regardless of the number of GCSE's my child may or may not get he'd still be unemployed at the end of it all so no pc access didn't make me feel so bad. Besides I had bought him all those revision guides that were gathering dust on the study floor. The final blow was the mobile phone. This last piece of confiscation coup de gras was also accompanied by the I don't care theme tune that can be heard quite readily in my home. It is usually accompanied by percussion aka door slam.The confiscation of said phone was for nearly a week and even though He man was grounded and therefore had no social life its impact was disproportionate to its size. The flouted grounding on the first day by doing paper round until ridiculously late and then hanging out to play football with mates till late merely meant I added an extra day to the ban without telling him. This also worked a treat and comes thoroughly recommended. Don't have a shouting match about something they've done. Wait until they are on the back foot and want some thing from you and strike then. The impact is much better. I realise that I am now approaching my teenagers wilderness years with some what of a military style, we're talking tactics, manoevres and clearly there can be only one winner. What on earth am I doing!? These are the fruit of my womb not the enemy. Although the repeated playing of theme tunes has been a military tactic used in the past the I don't care theme tune in my house is a tactic the kids have introduced not me. I am under enemy fire and am responding accordingly. Doubtless having posted this my smugness will be short lived and the sales of cheap wine will rocket at the local store but surely I am allowed to gloat in a little bit of mummy glory. Teenage boy 0 - mother - 1
Friday, 19 June 2009
I bet they don't have that problem at the tanning salons. Still my legs looked good afterwards and I smelt very porrdigey. Sugar or honey with that?
Thursday, 4 June 2009
After much ringing around, hey I've got nothing better to do in my highly stressful job, I got him a job at work... Only to find that he had organised himself a job elsewhere. I was impressed he had shown initiative. All be it he would be working in a night club during the day getting the stage ready for a gig that night, all of which took about half an hour and then he came home, he thought that kind of work was brill. Even better he doesn't need qualifications for it so why bother trying at school. My head is in my hands.
Heman just grunts. Or he shouts. Shouting can happen when you ask a civil question like " what are you doing tonight? " Or "please pass the bread". Grunting occurs all the time. Schmoozing happens when we want money, to get back the PS3 after shouting, not doing homework.
Someonee needs to write a guide book with transaltions bit at the back, The lonley planet guide to teenagers.